Advice please. Ex partner was controlling with lots of emotional abuse, and when I read my diaries back, he was actually not ideal to our DC (a 4-year old). I kept forgetting what was happening and couldn't see what was going on so kept sending diary messages to my Mum.
I finally managed to get my ex to leave the family home a few months ago. DC is seeing him 2 nights a week. One during the week overnight and 1 night at weekend. I can get my head around this. Ex is fun Dad for short periods and I want my son to see both of us.
However it is ultimately right for my DC to have a home that he is in most of the time. I want him to have stability and I am level and reassuring and don't shout. Ex shouted at me lots in front of DC and me and DC would both end up crying nearly every day.
Ex refuses to buy PJs so I am sending those twice a week. All clothes....swim costumes....I had to have an episode where ex stropped off when I just suggested that he buy toothpaste and a toothbrush as it was one less thing to forget.
I was terrified of ex at times, so overall it's all gone better than I thought apart from ex can be angry at drop off and pick up, even in front of neighbours. He drops back into the bully and I drop back into the panicky bullied person who used to flee the house in a panic. I hate that I do this. The rest of my week I am good. The panic re-triggers easily, even hours before we need to meet.
Ex has paid nursery bills since he left which is less than maintenance. That was his idea so I just went with it. Just as perspective, he lived in my house for £100/mth and kept the rent from his properties and his salary. I realise I was a mug (although he used to tell me I was taking him for a ride) but this is by the by now.
The issue I have is that a few weeks ago, ex said 'if I pay maintenance, I want to see DC more.' I worry about this constantly.
I do not want my ex to treat our DC how he used to treat me. I went from a confident person to someone criticised, panicky and anxious. Even though I was a grown adult when it started. I had to dig deep to escape the craziness and confusion I was living in.
Last week, ex said, 'what do you want to do about money once DC starts school?' I let it pass face to face so another explosive episode didn't kick off in my driveway.
The issue I have is.......do I use the government website to suggest an amount.....which would happen with 2 rational people.
I live in fear of him getting half access especially when he won't even buy PJs. He also sent back the box of toys that I sent for DC at his house.
When we were all living together, I did the vast majority of the childcare and ex often didn't come on days out....he went to the gym and on his bike instead and acted largely like a single man with a fun child for an hour or two.
Thanks for reading. Any advice on how to get this next emotional barrier tackled? Xxx