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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pregnant, but partner doesn't want it.

55 replies

nurseymummyx · 09/08/2021 20:44

Hi Everyone, really looking for some advice, feel so alone.
So me and my partner had a slip up last month, which resulted me in taking the morning after pill. Yet, here I am four weeks pregnant. We have 3 children already, I was really emotional to begin with, however once I really thought about it, I realised actually my life isn't over and we could totally do this! 😂
However my partner is dead against it, told me I should have an abortion and made me feel really guilty saying it will play with his anxiety and depression. To be fair, he doesn't do much with the kids. I do 99% of all the work. He puts our youngest to bed. He's never done a night feed, he doesn't even sleep in bed with me, he sleeps downstairs away from us all.
I've just told him I want to keep the baby and he's kicked off mega big time, saying how angry I have made him, and how upset he is. While I understand he's allowed to feel this way, I've been crying the past 2 days over having to have an abortion!! He didn't give a crap about me being upset?!?! He's honestly so so vile it's ridiculous.

I just need truthful answers, am I being out of order?

OP posts:

doudouchouchou · 09/08/2021 23:18

@Bythemillpond

* AnneLovesGilbert

Will you want another child if he leaves you and you have to cope with 4 entirely on your own

He already leaves her with 3 children so one more isn’t going to make a great deal of difference and it sounds like if he walked out her life would be a damn sight easier with 4 than with 3 and having to listen to him shouting at her forever more as I do think if she went for an abortion that she doesn’t want her MH would suffer and he would just get angry at her for grieving what could have been.

One more isn't going to make much difference???

Are you on another planet?

My DC4 was a surprise, but roles were reversed, DH was delighted and I was shocked. We decided to proceed and it's a decision I absolutely do not regret but 4 is more work than 3.
My DH is wonderful, and so I never had to really consider it too much, however, if I was in OP's shoes, I really would think long and hard. The best gift I ever gave my kids was a loving, attentive and present father.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/08/2021 23:23

You have to be realistic and think with your head. Will this baby mean the end of your marriage? If so can you bring up 4 kids alone on benefits or an extremely low income. What if you become ill or the child has a disability.

Zeev · 09/08/2021 23:26

@Sampafie

You want strangers to echo a decision youve clearly already made? Since you plan on having the baby anyways wouldnt this be the time to start sorting out your life and getting prepared for a fourth child which your husband doesnt want? I mean are you bored or looking for drama? Should we bash the man youve chosen to inseminate you? What exactly do you want MN to do OP?

WTF is wrong with you?

Zeev · 09/08/2021 23:27

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

You think him forcing her to have an abortion won't mean the end of her marriage?

Generalpost · 09/08/2021 23:27

Sounds like you would do better to keep the baby and get rid of him. He doesn't do anything anyway so your practically a single parent he sounds harder work than a child. Don't be forced into an abortion once it's done you can't change it . You took the morning after but are still pregnant. Maybe it's meant to be.

NailsNeedDoing · 09/08/2021 23:30

Can you afford another baby if your dp is mentally ill and you have 3 already?

Generalpost · 09/08/2021 23:37

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Wow that's awful. Why would it even enter someone head that a child would have a disability. The chances are extremely low of that happening. But hey as you have gone there if her child has a disability she could claim disability benefits

Would it mean the end of her marriage her relationship sounds crap anyway. Sounds like she would be better as a single parent. A woman should never ever feel she has to stay in a relationship because of a shortage of money. And yes lots of woman on low income manage to look after their children.

GertietheGherkin · 09/08/2021 23:41

If you want this baby, then you have it!
You'd be best getting rid of him though, he sounds like a waste of bloody space. He's acting like a big kid anyway. Keep your baby, and ditch this prat 👍

Original poster

nurseymummyx · 10/08/2021 00:05

Wooooow way to kick a girl when she's down! Some of these comments are really off. However, to those who have been really kind and supportive thank you so much. He has assaulted me, (for the first time in 10 years) so he's currently in the back of a police car. We'll probably at the station now. I'll have a restraining order on him, and my fourth baby will be with his/her mummy and excited siblings. That man doesn't deserve us. One day he will regret the way he treated me.
Luckily I own my own house, we were never married, and I have a stable and supportive workplace. I know that's not the same for everyone so I'm feeling really lucky and blessed right now.
But tomorrow I'm going to sainsburys and buying a big bar of galaxy and some non alcoholic wine 🤣
Thank you to all that were so lovely to me, I can't tell you how much it means x

OP posts:

winterwalksandcoffee · 10/08/2021 00:07

@nurseymummyx I am so sorry for what you have gone through! You have my support and if you need to chat PM me. You are so strong and you have got this! You know your so worthy of better things x

Nat6999 · 10/08/2021 00:12

Keep the baby & ditch the no hope dad. You are already bringing up your children alone so if you are sure you can manage another baby then do it.

dollarbillgotcha · 10/08/2021 00:27

Can you afford another baby if your dp is mentally ill and you have 3 already?

It's this what freedom of choice has come to? It was partly needed because women psychologically needed to do what was right for them. It seems to have degenerated into men using someone else's medical procedure as a way to decide what's right for them.

Her op should be thinking "can I afford to lose everything that she brings and does to our shared lives?" Because she may not want him after this, regardless.

Generalpost · 10/08/2021 00:29

@nurseymummyx

Wooooow way to kick a girl when she's down! Some of these comments are really off. However, to those who have been really kind and supportive thank you so much. He has assaulted me, (for the first time in 10 years) so he's currently in the back of a police car. We'll probably at the station now. I'll have a restraining order on him, and my fourth baby will be with his/her mummy and excited siblings. That man doesn't deserve us. One day he will regret the way he treated me. Luckily I own my own house, we were never married, and I have a stable and supportive workplace. I know that's not the same for everyone so I'm feeling really lucky and blessed right now. But tomorrow I'm going to sainsburys and buying a big bar of galaxy and some non alcoholic wine 🤣 Thank you to all that were so lovely to me, I can't tell you how much it means x

I hope your OK and not to hurt. Yes make sure you keep all the doors locked and windows shut. Be careful that the children do not let him in . If he comes to your house call the police.

caringcarer · 10/08/2021 00:31

I would keep.tje baby and kick out the man child.

Bythemillpond · 10/08/2021 01:09

doudouchouchou

Bythemillpond

AnneLovesGilbert

Will you want another child if he leaves you and you have to cope with 4 entirely on your own

One more isn't going to make much difference

Are you on another planet

My DC4 was a surprise, but roles were reversed, DH was delighted and I was shocked. We decided to proceed and it's a decision I absolutely do not regret but 4 is more work than 3
My DH is wonderful, and so I never had to really consider it too much, however, if I was in OP's shoes, I really would think long and hard. The best gift I ever gave my kids was a loving, attentive and present father

Not on another planet just know a couple of women who have faced this dilemma who when faced with having their ex’s around or having an extra child, the extra child turned out to be so much easier than their ex.

In your eyes there are a lot of women who have failed their children by giving them a df that isn’t present in their children’s lives.
I obviously didn’t pick the right person as Dh travelled 2-3 weeks in any 4 and even the week or 2 he was home he left for work at 6.30am and didn’t get back till 8pm. So he was neither present or attentive.

sunnyzweibrucken · 10/08/2021 01:33

I wouldn’t keep it , just means you’re tied to that worthless dh even longer.

Bythemillpond · 10/08/2021 01:39

sunnyzweibrucken

With 3 children already that ship has already sailed

Sitchervice · 10/08/2021 02:11

@nurseymummyx I'm so glad that you've kicked him out. You don't even have to put him on the birth certificate!

That bar of chocolate is well deserved and your 4 children have a brilliant mum.

AngelDelightUk · 10/08/2021 05:27

Personally I’d be leaving him because of his attitude. Who sleeps downstairs away from his wife and kids.

He’s being incredibly abusive, if you don’t want to have an abortion then don’t. It will totally mess your head up

category12 · 10/08/2021 05:33

Don't let him back, whatever you do.

Mintjulia · 10/08/2021 06:01

Firstly, what is the point of this man? Does he contribute anything to your life or the household? Would you actually notice if he wasn't there?

What do you want? Single parent with four DC's isn't ideal but others have managed. Do you have any family support?

SarahDarah · 10/08/2021 08:47

Well done @nurseymummyx for putting your children first. You sound so strong and your kids are blessed to have you as their mum.

All the women saying you should abort your child because of the dad's behaviour should hang their heads in shame. As someone else said above, abortions have for so many instances, become a way to facilitate the decisions of men and be a convienent get out clause for them to avoid responsibility for their actions and to pressure a woman to comply with what THEY want. It's the child who ends up not being born despite being the innocent party - where's the justice in that?

For any women reading this who may be pregnant or be pregnant in the future, don't feel your child's life is any less worthy because of what the child's dad has done. My own dad was abusive and was a terrible father and husband in so many ways but does it mean me and my siblings regret being born...absolutely not! I'm forever grateful for my life, which is the greatest gift of all. My mum is also thriving and joyful and we all support her as adults.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 10/08/2021 09:23

Good for you! Enjoy your pregnancy, enjoy your baby, keep the waste of space man at arms length! You’ll probably find he disappears anyway seeing as he isn’t involved with the ones you’ve got.

As for the women going on about the type of father they have “given” their children…really? I’d suspect most women choose to get pregnant not thinking for a minute that the man will turn out to be lazy and uninvolved. Responsibility for that is on exactly one person, him!

Monday26July · 10/08/2021 09:37

To those criticising other posters: OP’s final line was clearly: “I just need truthful answers, am I being out of order?”

She’s got truthful answers. Nobody has been nasty. She’s asking if she’s out of order to consider having a fourth child with a reckless useless dad who doesn’t want them and wants the truth. If that is hard to swallow then next time OP I’d suggest not asking people to be truthful. Hope you’re okay.

Ellie56 · 10/08/2021 09:43

@nurseymummyx

As the morning after pill didn't work, it seems as though this fourth baby was meant to be.

Get rid of the knobhead useless dad, press charges for the assault, ignore the vipers on this thread and keep the baby.

Good luck

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