Help me set boundaries with my DM

[DancingDino]

My lovely mum has been on her own since a nasty divorce when I was about 9. In it my DF acted terribly and it was traumatic for my DM and us as children.

I am now 30 and married. I am very close with my mum and on the whole we get along really well, I can talk to her about most things and she is supportive.

She lives alone but has a busy job. Limited social life but I think that is probably not abnormal at 60 with her circumstances.

Since I got married due to a few tricky decisions relating to the wedding (having to cut it down due to covid and rearrange parts) she found my in laws quite over bearing. They can be but when you know them, you know it all comes from a place of love. My DH's family is big and loud. My family are small and calm! I love both and enjoy the contrast.

My DM has made quite a few snide comments about the ILs and I think secretly assumes my life will be difficult with them, wants me to prefer time with her etc. I think it is jealousy, not knowing when to bite her lip and generally feeling desperate to keep me close but doing it in a way which is hurtful and a bit disrespectful to the fact I have just married and DH/ILs are all now a big part of my life. She also knows I went through hell as a child and it means a lot to be trusting, loved and manage family relationships - recognising highs and lows and forgiving small hiccups.

I absolutely know all this doesn't come from a malicious place, more an insecure, vulnerable place.

How can I sort of set boundaries that I don't want to hear the negative comments? I really want to keep my strong relationship with her but feel anxious that this is the start of a can of worms of managing tricky situations as life progresses and hopefully children come along.

Be honest with her.

When DM makes an unnecessary comment, tell her, say "Mum, please don't say that, it's upsetting, I'm also part of that family now and I don't need to hear these comments".

If she carries on, just say "Mum, please just stop" and walk out of the room. Go back into the room a few minutes later and just carry on as normal. Repeat as necessary.

Have PM'd you Dancing.

I'm a relative novice at boundary-setting, but the version where you share your boundaries and keep a relationship goes something like this:

1. Tell them the behaviour isn't acceptable and why - MissMarples gives a good suggested wording.
2. If it continues, reiterate and tell them what the consequences will be if they do it again.
3. Follow through on the consequences, always, and let them know why you've done it. 'It's a shame your comments have spoiled our outing, I'm going home now. Let's catch up when you're in a better mood and can keep your opinions about my in-laws to yourself.'

If you generally have a good relationship, you might be able to talk to her about it and unpick why she is being like that. If it does come from insecurity, you might be able to offer some reassurance, which may help her feel more secure in her role as your mum and not threatened by these loud interlopers.

Ultimately though, you can't control anyone's behaviour but your own. You definitely can't control opinions, nor is it worth trying. She may never like your inlaws, but it's reasonable to expect her not to be constantly slagging them off in your presence.