Hot and cold relationship, I can’t communicate anymore

[Sofingfedup]

Need your advice on what to say as feel I am so confused and headfucked after several years of this. Boyfriend of 2.5 years, although apart during lockdowns so only really been properly together for a year.

The cycle is that he blows hot and then cooler. Never to the point that the relationship is off, but think, calling 20 times a day, insistent that we speak / see each other, lots of i love yous, then disappearing for 2 days or checking in once in a quite perfunctory way. Whenever we get into a pattern of contact (I personally don’t care if it’s once a day or 10 times a day, I just want some degree of consistency) he subverts the pattern by either being extremely needy or not in touch at all. Also it’s a cliche but if I am cooler with him he is all over me. If I am hotter with him he cools off. I know there is a degree of this to be expected in any relationship but I am early 40s and just find it exhausting and unreliable.

I have explained what I feel about it until I am blue in the face. But when I do he just accuses me of “constantly complaining” or “always creating conflict where there is none,” (which I feel he actually does himself by deliberately doing the opposite of what he knows I want and have told him I expect, many times.)

I want to pair it back quite a bit and make it much more casual so that I expect less of him and we agree that I should, rather than this cycle of lovebombing and withdrawal where he becomes outraged if I reject him or cool off with him - but I just don’t know how to get around his mind games of saying I am always the one causing the conflict and complaining and why can’t I be happy with things as they are?

Any ideas on what to say?

My advice on what to say:

'This isn't working for me anymore, let's call it a day'

Seriously, why would you put up with this?? Life is too short to waste on men who dick you around all the time

Couldn't be arsed with it . End it now and find someone else .

I posted this morning about something similar and didn't want to read and run. Im sorry you are going through this.
The advise I got was to move on - which is probably right, a relationship should not be that much hard work. Blowing hot and cold makes you come across as more needy and demanding and fills you with anxiety. Some men feed of that as it gives them control. Be kind to yourself

I suspect your partner has issues that he is reluctant to address.

The push and pull could be due to attachment issues ie wants a relationship but when you get to close he panics and pulls away. It's all designed to keep you at a safe distance because he can't deal with intimacy.

Or it could be due to mental problems with his emotional stability ie he's either very up and euphoric then plummets and needs to withdraw.

Ultimately you can spend a lot of time trying to work him out or you can step back and ask yourself 'is this what I want from a romantic relationship?'. You have tried to address this and he has turned it back on you. You cannot change him . It's making you unhappy. There are potential partners out there who are easier to be with.

God that sounds exhausting! Do you really want to adjust your expectations so that it’s more casual? Which sounds undoable considering the way he behaves. Wouldn’t it be much more fulfilling to be with someone where you are getting the communication and emotional intimacy you really want and need?

Wow. The constant guessing what next, and getting drawn into playing it cool so he warms up dance would be just pointlessly exhausting. He would have to be excellent in bed to make this worthwhile for any amount of time because there is no emotional stability from this farce so the only compensation would be physical.
If you've tried to discuss this, like an adult would, and all you get back is blame and nonsense that would kill it for me. You're not a teen-ager and neither is he though his emotional maturity seems stuck there.

You're in your 40s. Is this really how you're prepared to spend your time? Tell him that the way he communicates doesn't suit you and you want to end the relationship. He'll try to persuade you otherwise so be prepared for that.

@PieceOfString

He would have to be excellent in bed to make this worthwhile for any amount of time because there is no emotional stability from this farce so the only compensation would be physical.

I'm not sure it's worth it, even then. 🌹

Listen someone that calls you 20 times a day is fucking crazy. And the tlonly thing you should say to them is 'this is over' and perhaps add 'if you continue to harass me, I'll call the police'.

You cant adjust a maladjusted person. His behaviour is a symptom of his disordered personality. And you arent a shrink. You cannot and not try to change him. He does not and will never respect your boundaries.

Get yourself away from him, asap.

*should not try

@dreamingbohemian

My advice on what to say:

'This isn't working for me anymore, let's call it a day'

Seriously, why would you put up with this?? Life is too short to waste on men who dick you around all the time

this

I don't know why you would want to stay with this person. He is clearly manipulating and playing with your feelings. And then making your problems all out to be your fault. No relationshop should be hard work like that. He is really not going to change or listen to reason, and is very likely going to get worse, and controlling in other ways. There are many better people out there than him!