Sex and marriage failing

[Mommyshere]

So basically,

We haven't had sex for over a month, we tried the other night but he couldn't finish so we gave up.

We've tried the 'maintenance sex' on a Monday and Thursday night - gradually fizzled out. It worked for a couple of weeks, then the Monday stopped and it turned into just the Thursday and then after a few weeks nothing.

I've spoken to hubby he says we have three children what do we expect, we are both tired. We have a 4 year old and 2 year old twins.

I sent 6 photos to him by text whilst he was at work trying to be sexy - note I am no perfect instagrammer or anything!!! So I tried to get good angle photos for about a bloody hour. I waited for a reply like an actual teenager, I felt excited and then when he text back my heart kind of sunk. He just replied 'number 5 is a bit weird' - don't ask what number 5 was lol but now sexy messages are not something i want to do. Fuck that again. I replaced his phone charger with the vibrator on charge to give him a hint and he just unplugged it, that was days ago.

Night times consist of.. brushing teeth, getting into bed, putting on my eye oil and lip cream and a peck on the cheek. This sounds so pathetic but I sometimes think what if my pillow was his chest, how would that feel? His nighttime is the tv or mainly on his phone, YouTube or a game

My cat has just passed away - she was 20 and I know she would cuddle up with me lol I miss her warmth and purr. My grief for her of another story though

I can't fucking sleep, I get 3 hours max and then take paracetamol and feel I have to 'deal' with the kids and I don't want to feel like that. It's not their fault, nothing is. I want to feel content like I was before.

Everyone looks upon us as the perfect couple, we are so not. I am very alone, I tried mentioning it to my mum and she just said "you can't split up, look at that huge wedding you had and everything, you don't want to throw it all away", I have a few groups of friends. One of them knows I'm not feeling right but think it's a phase. I haven't really told them how bad it actually is at the moment.

However saying all this, if being together and putting on a perfect couple front (which is what we must be good at, yeah #couplegoal my arse) for our children I will do it for the rest of my life. When I asked him how we go through life and deal with that option he just said "we have to grin and bare it" but the next day back tracked and said he didn't mean it like that when I said is that our new motto in life is now?

Sorry this is long, I don't want to drip feed.

Do I 'start things off In bed'? No, I felt like I tried

I don't know what to say to him anymore. I actually wanted to say to him the other day I am clean you know, I go in the shower every day 😂😂😂 I then thought wtf am I thinking???

Any suggestions on how to not dwell on it to get a good nights sleep????

Thanks in advance

What is the root of the issue?
You feel rejected when he doesn't want you sexually, and therefore you lie awake worrying?

Or the lack of sex if frustrating you and you need the sex/orgasm to get to sleep and that's what's stopping you sleeping?

Or you feel the lack of sex is indicative of a bigger issue in the relationship and that's making you worry rather than sleep?

Do you have a spare room? Because you might honestly do better sleeping away from him and the distraction of his physical presence. (And maybe HE would sleep better too, hence solving the problem of his exhaustion and his lack of libido. Assuming exhaustion really is the problem.)

Another way to get a good night's sleep is to exercise in the daytime, have your main meal at lunchtime.

It's not a long-term winning strategy though, is it? Hope you get to the bottom of it with him, and "grin and bear it" doesnt become your permanent mode of being.

What makes you think your marriage is failing?
Is it not having sex for a month (do you normally have sex more often )?
Or some other issue?

When you say he couldn’t finish, do you mean he had ED (all men suffer from this at some stage in our lives ), or some other issue ?

Sexual performance issues are very difficult for men to admit to suffering from, so avoidance is common.

SW1amp I think it's all of them tbh, it feels like you've hit the nail on the head with all of them not just one of them if you know what I mean??

We don't have a spare room as such, we have a play room. So we have a room, our son does, the twins do and then the play room. I suppose the sofa would be better. I think the grin and bear is the way we would live our life for the kids. To make them happy I would do but I do genuinely want to salvage my marriage 🤷🏼‍♀️

Just another old man - yes deffo we've always been really into sex and it makes us both happy and we feel more like a team and connected. We don't argue or anything. Now that's all life is full of! Tiredness is why we set out the Monday and Thursday - no phones or anything to enjoy us time but that's failed

The grin and bear it does not work for children. Better to come from a broken home than live in one. You would be surprised what children pick up on.

Have you actually spoken to him about this? Sending the texts and leaving the vibrator out might actually have been quite intimidating for him, if that’s not how you usually act/communicate.

“Hey, DH. Are you okay? I’m feeling quite disconnected from you at the moment…”

Do you spend any quality time together without the expectation of sex? You said he “couldn’t finish” so maybe he is embarrassed and doesn’t want to “start” or maybe it’s a symptom of an underlying physical/mental health issue. He might feel pressured to perform.
Is there stress in other areas of his life at the moment? I think you need to have an honest chat with each other

Sexless marriage is soul sapping. It’s very frustrating and worrying too. Combination of sexual frustration and “what does this say about our relationship?”

But I would say that a month without sex at the moment maybe doesn’t mean the same as at another time. It’s been a pretty stressful 18 months for everyone, it’s maybe just caught up with him.

So maybe back off a bit, have a few date nights, no pressure for sex, connect a bit emotionally. I wouldn’t do anything much more complicated than that really, no pick me dances and sexy photo shoots, but a bit of relaxed time together. Give it some time, not forever, but a bit more than a month.

Mmn, I think maybe you're both just unhappy right now (because there's a lot to be unhappy about tbf) it sounds like you are a more expressive person and he retreats into himself. Your cat dying has also heightened everything a bit.
Do you manage to get out much? Even just a walk in the evening can put things into perspective. I think you need to actually talk to him about the sex stuff instead of trying to lure him into it.

So maybe back off a bit, have a few date nights, no pressure for sex, connect a bit emotionally. I wouldn’t do anything much more complicated than that really, no pick me dances and sexy photo shoots, but a bit of relaxed time together. Give it some time, not forever, but a bit more than a month.

This, just get back to being a couple and remove the pressure on sex, if he is having some kind of performance issues, sending sexy pictures and leaving your toys lying around won’t really help, also as PP suggests try asking him about sex and how is feeling about it right now ( not in the bedroom)

I suppose the time we do have is when the kids are in bed but then it's just him on his phone, watch the tv kind of thing. Nothing interesting per say. I don't look forward to anything

Yes when I spoke to him about the sex that's when he said we are just so tired, we have three young children etc etc. I told him not to speak for me as I don't feel tired that like. It didn't get heated but didn't resolve anything. So he basically said he is tired though

We don't really have a support network, my mum has the kids occasionally but it's on a NEED basis. If I said so we could spend some time together she would probably piss herself or say well you should have thought about that before you had children

Have some nice date nights! We do when the kids are in bed.

Tonight for example, I’ll have a nice steak dinner ready for when he gets in. Then wr like to sit for an hour or two in the kitchen with some music on and a glass of wine or two. Spend time really just talking and connecting. Then we might have a bath together, some massage etc. have to make do with what you’ve got when you’ve got kids! But it’s about just enjoying each other, take the pressure away from sex.

If you were the man sending sexy pics you'd be described as a sex pest.

If you are not happy with the current situation and your husband then split up. Big weddings have nothing to do with it.
Presumably you have suggested marriage counselling, talked to him, considered date nights etc?

Ask him to see the GP, there may be an underlying health condition

Do you feel wanted outside the bedroom? Would he consider going to counseling with you to help improve your communication around sex and explore what it means to the both of you?

Keeping your sex life going when you have young DC takes work. It's easy for it to slip off your list of priorities. But both of you need to put the work in, you will be glad you did in decades to come (and I am 62 now so I am speaking from experience). If he was unable to perform last time you tried that will have knocked his confidence. And as @justanotheroldman said, this is very hard for a man to take. I suggest that you refrain from all forms of sexual contact for a period - 2 weeks perhaps. Then very gently and without seeming to put him under pressure make a move to see what happens. The kind of move will depend on what is normal in your relationship - touching him perhaps. If this does not work then you will need to sit him down and have a serious talk. Sex is the glue ina relationship and an LTR is much more likely to endure if there is a mutually satisfactory sex life.

They are all good suggestions and actually all things we used to do, now though as was mentioned it is easy to slip off the list. We have a hot tub and I love using it but at the moment he needs to fix a wire on a sensor - one of those things he keeps meaning to get round to. Maybe I should suggest that in a non sexual way. On a Saturday night we used to go in the hot tub with a drink and wouldn't they be nice to do again, then again if he doesn't fix it, what does that say about our relationship?

I don't particularly want to make the first move in the future but then scared if I don't he never will. Again what does that mean?

Even if communication lacks, what about actions speak louder than words? That surely means something?

There’s no guarantee any of this will work in the sense you get a good sex life back together. But being gentle with each other now will mean that whether it gets back on track or it goes it’s separate ways it will be a much smoother ride for you both and your kids.

The most common core wound in women is apparently abandonment and in men it’s apparently fear of not measuring up. And the worst fights between couples are when the woman is triggered in her fear of abandonment and the man is triggered in his fear of not measuring up. Then it just spirals.

The way to stop it spiralling is for each partner to do everything they can to avoid touching that sensitivity.

Marriage is fucking hard; it's not a fairy tale film. I look back and think of the weird phases in my marriage, and what ifs etc. Your children are so young and you're both bound to be exhausted and caught up with life. It's normal. The next few years might be different. If you both value your partnership then you'll find ways to overcome these things, even if it means going to extremes (like counselling and sex therapy). If sex is important to you then communicate this to OH, and be open... and find solutions together. Life is too short for subtle hints.

You have three children under four, it is exhausting

Try to find time to spend with each other, a meal, a film and cuddle up and be close

Take it from there

@Mommyshere
The hot tub sounds like a great idea, could you get a local sparky to fix it for you, then one Saturday just get in it with a bottle of champagne & 2 glasses and go from there ? (If it ever stops raining)

I think you're putting too much pressure on him, and it's only been a month.
If the gender roles were reversed you'd be hung to dry on here.

I don't think leaving the vibrator out or sending the pictures was helpful, it was almost passive aggressive.

You both sound tired and lost. And you can't end a marriage because sex has went for a month or slowed down while you have such small children.

• Talk to him, explain how you feel. Don't see certain days for it and don't hassle / pressure it
• Have date night once a fortnight, no kids, no phones, but NO pressure for sex either
• Get some marriage counselling

Also accept that sex slows down with small children. Men are expected to accepted that in marriages everyday, so should you. Life is full of ups and downs.