Support please - need to end it with DP - alcohol problems.

[Itstheend]

Name change as this is so personal.

Been with DP 8 years. His drinking has always caused issues. There have been a number of crises where I've nearly left him, he sorts himself out for a bit, then it picks up again. During lock down things were better, obviously, although not perfect, but now he's able to go out drinking again, and I can't bear the thought of the rest of my life being like this.

He would deny having a drinking problem. I think he's a high functioning alcoholic. He goes AWOL, he lies about where he is, he lies about how much he's been drinking, he raids our joint bank account, he drink drives, he is annoying and embarrassing when we are out and he drinks (won't stop talking to people who obviously wish he'd just fuck off). He chooses to spend time drinking with friends or strangers, rather than bewith me, to excess. He denies everything. He reinvents history. He pretends he can't remember and that I am making things up.

Why the hell am I finding it so hard to end it?

When he's sober he's great.
I still love him...i think. I don't like him at the moment.
It would be my 3rd failed serious relationship, which is embarrassing.
I don't really have many friends, I don't fit in and think I may have ASD, I'm mid 50s and would be looking at a lonely life very much on my own.
We could be so happy if not for this. He's happy as Larry, but I'm not.
He loves me, I think, but I also suspect he just likes the lifestyle he gets with me (he is lower earner).

I know he will never change. I feel so depressed today as I've mostly accepted it's over. I know it could be wonderful but that's just a fantasy of life without the drinking.

How do I get the courage to end it. I'm worried I'd be more unhappy if I do. I suppose currently I'm I'm happy some of the time, meh a lot of the time, and unhappy some of the time. What if I just lose the happy bits? Last weekend was lovely, this weekend has been crap.

The three c's of alcoholism are you did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.

It would not be at all embarrassing for you to end this relationship; other people are not in a relationship with him and you know the truth re him and his alcoholism. People end relationships all the time and no-one keeps tally on others. It may be of interest to some for a short time but it's really not going to be up for discussion going forward.

Of course he is happy; he has you continually propping up his alcoholism and otherwise enabling him (at great cost emotionally to your own self). You are as caught up in this almost as much as he is and you need to get off the merry go around. Address your own issues here re codependency through counselling, you are perhaps mixing up love with codependency. I would also think the happy times you've had are much fewer and further between and its all anyway on his terms. You have to believe for your own self that you deserve better from a relationship. You can end this for any reason; the fact that you are unhappy most of the time now is reason enough. Better to be on your own too than to be so badly accompanied. You need time and space to heal from his alcoholism and the effects it is having on you.

His primary relationship too is with drink, its not you and has never been infact with you. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

You describe him as a partner, not husband. Basically what is his is his and what is yours is yours on separating. What is the situation with regards to the property; is it rented jointly or is there a mortgage?.

I would also suggest you contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to those affected by another person's drinking. Their literature is certainly worth reading.

I would also urge you to read this article:-

body-dynamics.net/articles/alcoholism.html

I've have experience of this. Get gone and get happy as soon as possible. You have one life, and your choices determine its path.

Thanks. We rent jointly.

My employer offers counselling through an EAP, so I'm going to contact them.

I have a horrible relationship history and I don't understand why, other than being too soft and ignoring red flags. No childhood trauma, parents happily married for years.

I don't want to be lonely. I'm no good at making friends. I keep thinking this is better than nothing. I'm wavering.
Ive just emailed Al-Anon.

I know I sound pathetic.

Do contact those people along with Al-anon.

You are not pathetic at all. You are in a relationship with an alcoholic and its no life for you at all. You are lonely within this relationship because his primary relationship is with drink. All he has done and will continue to do here is drag you down with him.

He's a drink driver.

Remind yourself of this. He is fundamentally a murderer who has only failed to kill people by pure chance/luck on their part.

Is it easier to leave a murderer?

I can't do it tonight. I need to think it through and a bit of space for that. I'm sleeping in the spare room. I've found my local Al-Anon group and will go on Wednesday. I'm going to have 6 counselling sessions at work.

He thinks I'm over-reacting but is also on a charm offensive. I've seen it all before.

Your life doesn’t need to be controlled by his drinking.

I remember how ex-H’s sobriety or otherwise would control my life and my bank balance/happiness/social life etc etc.

I vowed never to let another man have that hold over me. When I finally left it was amazing to just be able to be me again.

He thinks you're over-reacting? Look at the list you wrote in your op, of all the ways his drink problem mainfests itself. He is an alcholic, he lies, he spends you money on his destructive habit, he drink drives, he embarrases you and other people in publicm he doesn't care that he embarasses you or that he's hurting you.

When it comes down to it, he loves drink more than he loves you. And he thinks you're over-reacting?

I'm afraid alcoholics have a disturbing ability to lie, gaslight, see themselves as victims and everyone else as overreacting and unreasonable. You can't change him. He doesn't want to change for one. He's happy making you miserable and thinks you should be happy to stick it out, even if you're miserable.

Please don't be tempted to stick around for him to make you even more unhappy to the point where you'll be a shadow of your real self.

He is thinking only of him and his wants. You should do the same - think about what's best for you.

You will be much happier without him messing with your head every day. Being single is a great place after living with an alcoholic. You might meet someone else. Someone better. But there are other ways to avoid loneliness - friends, hobbies, work, volunteering.

Please do what's right for you and be happy.