How to make better choices

[emanresua]

I have a history of absolutely terrible relationships. I'm not really sure why.

Number one cheated with a married woman who he got pregnant, she didn't keep the baby. I forgave him, and we continued our relationship. Then he stole a lot of money from a friend, and I couldn't move past that.

Number two lived a double life. He had one life without me - with a different set of friends, hobbies, life-style. And another with me. It took me three years to find out.

Number three became distant while I was pregnant, and once the baby arrived he pretty much opted out of our lives. We lived apart in the same house, with him refusing to leave until he was weeks away from being married to someone else.

On paper all three were great guys initially: my friends and family loved them, they were polite and kind and caring, they were all highly educated, had good jobs, had friends who liked them, etc.

When the problems emerged 2 out of the 3 turned out to have previous addiction/criminal behavior and very messed up childhoods that they had glossed over. One of the three had a stable upbringing and no apparent problems.

Do I have any more cliches to collect?!

I've tried therapy, but can't work out why I keep getting into such terrible relationships. I do know that I have let a lot slide in all three relationships and I always try to understand and see the best in people.

But I wondered if anyone had any insights that I'm missing? I'm not sure how to not pick the wrong people!

Sorry you’ve had such a tough time. This is the bit that stood out to me - ‘ I do know that I have let a lot slide in all three relationships and I always try to understand and see the best in people.’

That sounds really nice and caring on the surface, but another way to put it could be that perhaps you don’t have the best boundaries, that you ignore warning signs and put a happier gloss on things than perhaps they deserve?

When these relationships have started to go bad have you been able to confront this early or have you hung in there hoping people’s ‘better nature’ will win out?

What do you truly feel you deserve in a relationship? Helped me to figure that out - not what I said, but what my behaviour suggested I felt?

For example - number 1 was a huge thing to forgive and if he then went on to steal there must have been other signs he was deeply untrustworthy.

Number 2 - three years to discover a whole other life - how much did you not ask, and ignore? He must have been away from you a lot to do all that behind your back?

Number 3 - Well no one can predict someone becoming more distant after a baby but why did you ‘allow’ him to stay while starting another relationship? I know it hard if he refused to leave but surely there could have been ways to do it?

What was going on truly for you in all three relationships? Because the pattern seems to be accepting really shitty treatment by forgiving them - were you hoping they would change? Did you find it hard to stick up for yourself?

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

What are your boundaries like when it comes to relationships, why are these so very low?. Letting a lot slide (minimising and or otherwise ignoring the red flags) and wanting to see the best in these men has cost you very dearly. I would also think you were targeted by these three individuals as well; they sensed something that they can and have indeed exploited from you.

I would say you need to spend sometime alone learning to care about yourself. Hold yourself and your wellbeing in higher regard.

Don't put up with crap. My husband once spoke to me with disdain in his voice "I don't like to be spoken to like that, please dont" and he hasn't. If he had, I care about myself enough to walk. Let people know how you want to be treated. Let them know you will not put up with a lack of loyalty, etc. Walk out earlier...

My mum always said you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you get that Prince, don't just settle for a toad cos you think they're better than the frogs.

Thank you @SilverRoe @AttilaTheMeerkat and @BeyondMyWits

Number 1, I suppose there were other signs, but I wrote them off as 'silly little things', like catching him smoking when he said he'd given up. But nothing even remotely on par with the crime of stealing.

Number 2 I did question a lot. But he led me to believe that I was anxious after number 1, and it was all in my head. We never lived together, so his other life happened while we were apart and he told me some pretty huge lies about why things were the way they were. I knew something wasn't right, but him and friends and family told me I was being overly-anxious after number 1, and I trusted them.

Number 3 I knew was abusive at the time (so I suppose I've made some progress!). He cut off all my access to money so that I couldn't leave, and threatened to take our child. I was too scared to ask for help.

You're right - I didn't have good role models growing up. My parents were miserable together, and all I saw was two people who didn't like each other existing in the same house.

I'm probably not sure what a relationship "should" look like, and I don't really know where to find that. I only have one happily married friend, the rest are in variously unhealthy relationships (and I've become their go-to agony aunt!)

I agree boundaries are an issue. But again, although I've read the literature, I struggle to put it into practice. If I can see the reason behind someone's poor behavior, I tend to rationalize it and imagine that they will do better next time. But it's turned out that these particular people haven't - and I don't really understand that. Why some people do, and others don't, and how I might be able to tell the difference?

I've now spent quite a lot of time alone since these men, and have started to think about dating again - tentatively - and don't want to make the same mistakes again!

OP, when you grow up with bad role models of relationships, there is always a risk of you repeating the same mistake, or not expecting anything better.
Try to use them as negative role models - as a warning of what to avoid.
Practise having firm boundaries in other areas of your life - don’t be a people pleaser, don’t meekly take on any extra tasks peoole want to dump on you at work, don’t be instantly and permanently available to friends. Don’t repeatedly give the benefit of the doubt to people whose behaviour seems abusive.
Complete a course of therapy or counselling before starting another romantic relationship, and remain wary - look out for red flags and don’t ignore them hoping they will go away.
Project an air of confidence - abusers can spot potential abusees and home in on them.
And do not give an inch - your boundaries must be non negotiable, or they will be eroded, little by little, until they are gone.
It’s worth remembering that you need a partner to respect you just as much as you need them to love you.

Yes, @Babdoc, I think I have consciously tried to find relationships that were nothing like my parent's, but have inadvertently found things just as bad - but in very different ways.

I look for men who are 'not like my dad', but perhaps I've still been 'like my mum' and been a doormat.

You're definitely right about me not having firm boundaries in other areas of my life as well. I recognise this most strongly at work - where I am highly qualified, but given all the menial jobs and have been passed over for promotion three times this year alone. I say yes to everything, and never complain.

I see that both at work and in relationships I am scared to lose what I have. Even if what I have isn't very good - it still seems better than nothing!

I like your advice about a partner needs to respect you as much as love you. I've definitely had times with these men where I've forgiven them because they love me. And I've tended to reason that if they love me, it's a mistake and they deserve another chance. However, I can plainly see that although they may have loved me, they didn't respect me!

I have recently turned down two male friends, both of whom I found quite attractive, because I recognised their boundary-pushing behaviors. Perhaps there's hope yet!

Well done, OP! If you are beginning to recognise the red flags in advance, you are very definitely making progress, and yes, of course there is hope!
Please discuss your work situation with your counsellor as well, so you can formulate some strategies for being more assertive.
You stand to benefit in every area of your life, and it’s important that you believe yourself worthy of respect.
That means changing your subconscious “core beliefs” that may have been modelled on your mother’s doormat pattern, and reinforced by patriarchal social attitudes to women. I think you have a way to go yet, but you have taken the hugely important first few steps. Go you!

I think more than learning to recognise the difference between people who make changes after shitty behaviour and those who don’t it’s about seeing where people are right now. While it’s true we all make mistakes and it’s nice to allow people a chance to rectify mistakes, be forgiving etc, there is a risk with that mindset of being too permissive. There is also a risk of trying to fix past problems with current people. If you spent your childhood with parents in a bad relationship who were miserable there is a good chance you are trying to recreate that sort of relationship - with the caveat subconsciously that you can ‘fix’ the ending. A lot of us do that, we try and heal ourselves by going to what we know and trying to make the outcome different. So we pick a relationship that gives all the signs of not being good for us but hope our love, hard work, being good enough etc will change that into something better - and in the process heal the pain we felt as kids when we were around less than ideal relationship models.

The trick is to figure out what YOU want in a relationship. How you would behave to someone you loved and respected - and expect that back as a baseline, not as something to work towards. The bare minimum.

Consciously, very consciously, I've gone into these relationships thinking "oh, so you're what a healthy person looks like. You're so different to my dad/ex...".

And it's true - they've each been bad in different ways! I'm not sure I could pinpoint where each went bad. Every time the first "incident" I can remember (and it was a long time ago) seemed to come out of the blue. The warning signs were so small. The cheat I suspected because he opened a letter in the kitchen rather than the sitting room. The double-life guy, looking back, was more obvious - but I thought lighting couldn't strike twice and I guess I didn't really trust myself when he and everyone around us was telling me what a great guy he was. And my child's dad was a counselor! I thought he, at last, would be on the level! His behavior was very subtle at first - I think the first inklings I had of something off was him stopping holding my hand in public. It took years to progress into something I recognised as wrong.

But I think, yes, once it starts to go wrong I believe it will get better and I hope for a happy ending where everyone has grown and learned etc. And I don't have any expectations of life being an easy ride - but perhaps I expect it to be too hard!?

I think I accept that my parents are beyond saving , but perhaps I'm kidding myself?