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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this the beginning of the end

17 replies

EchoThePhin · 09/08/2021 04:48

Hello all,

I need to post for advice. I'm having concerns and troubles in my relationship and don't know what to do or say to turn things around.

Bit of background, I'm dh, we have a ds (Yr 4 at school) We are both working. House, cars etc.

Recently both me and my dw have changed jobs. Following a turbulent time in my previous job, family bereavement and a few other challenges I took a short break from work and am now happily back in a role where I have more free time and get to enjoy family time and I was hoping more time with dw.

My dw changed jobs as she was looking for more forfillment and to be challenged in her role. Also to get back into a something she really enjoys.
Dw over the past year has really started to take on more, however I can see that she's getting bogged down with more challenges facing her department, they are seriously understaffed and as much as dw is helpful, her department is sinking.

As well as a couple of other factors we've started to spend less person time with each other, at times she just stares at her phone for hours before going to sleep (or attempting to, as she also suffers from poor sleep)

I've tried a couple of things, trying to brighten her day, I've taken on a lot of jobs round the house, mainly because she is doing less and/or leaves things out or behind, so I clean up behind her. I don't think she has noticed as she keeps justifying she is on top of it all, but I can see she isn't. BTW, I don't mind supporting her at all, so that's not any issue.

I have tried talking to her about things, but she shrugs them off. Gifts don't work. And sex is now becoming non existent.

For me, I feel like she's losing interest in me. She's watching more porn now, I know not because I spy (before I'm accused) but because I hear it somethings when she thinks she's being decret. Or she leaves a toy somewhere different. So for me I think she's wants a sex hit but doesn't want to be with me doing it.

Does anyone have advice for me?

I summary I feel, she's in denial, she's using coping meconisms in a destructive way. She's even put on a lot of weight in the past 2 years....

She's a loving dm to our ds, she stiggles, but don't we all.

What do I do?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2021 04:54

I've taken on a lot of jobs round the house, mainly because she is doing less and/or leaves things out or behind, so I clean up behind her

What a hero you are! Would you like a medal?

carriehagshaw · 09/08/2021 05:01

That reply wasn't helpful.

Have you spoken to her?

youshallnotpass9 · 09/08/2021 05:49

@carriehagshaw

That reply wasn't helpful.

Have you spoken to her?

Actually if you reread the post it is.

He took time off work, isn't working as much and for that he calls it to brighten her day, which makes me think he is not use to washing the dishes let along the general slog that goes along with children.

Then goes on to call her fat, not directly, but in so many words

Original poster

EchoThePhin · 09/08/2021 06:10

@Aquamarine1029

I've taken on a lot of jobs round the house, mainly because she is doing less and/or leaves things out or behind, so I clean up behind her

What a hero you are! Would you like a medal?

Wasn't a really helpful comment.

We both are good round the house.

OP posts:

Original poster

EchoThePhin · 09/08/2021 06:31

Wasn't really helpful either.

Didnt realise there were that many assumptions you would fill in incorrectly.

The above isnt a good reflection, im sure theres things i dont do, my dw and me are very good with jobs and ds. Shes says i do a lot.

Please dont shoot me down or look into my words like this. Im just trying to seek advice to netter myself.

I clean, cook, care for ds, drive Ds and dw around, build, fix make lunch, wake uo ungodly hours etc... and i dont require for need a medal, please keep your toys.
I didnt even want to example myself as iam just seeking advice on what i can do.

My dw is exceptional, shes my everything, i see good in everything. Shes does lots and is vert honest about me.

Oh and Shes not fat, i was highlighting a coping mechanisms.

OP posts:

Original poster

EchoThePhin · 09/08/2021 06:38

@carriehagshaw

That reply wasn't helpful.

Have you spoken to her?

So yes, not like, in a formal way, just sat down, brought up our situation and spoke about it openly.

My dw describes her day and we share knowledge around it.

I do feel her work pressures are the root cause, but the things she can't control (I.e. others, recruitment, operational factors) are affecting her The effect this is having on her, is that she's like to be on top of the work load, but is slipping, like I say, things at home are slipping, which I'll happily pick up, but this isn't really a point (me picking it up) it's more the habits and behaviors coming out that are slightly concerning.

OP posts:

Billandben444 · 09/08/2021 06:45

It sounds as though you need to sit down and have a proper talk without any interruptions (or wine) and see if she opens up. Is she being honest with herself do you think? You sound loving and caring but it seems as though it's a pressure-cooker situation which might blow. Talk to her in a supportive, non-critical way and show your concern for her - I wouldn't mention sex or vibrators or anything that looks as though you're more worried about numero uno though!

GreatAuntEmily · 09/08/2021 06:51

Not sure what you can do OP. Just continue to be quietly supportive. If she isn't opening up to you your stuck.

Suzi888 · 09/08/2021 08:16

You need to speak to her.

JustAnother0ldMan · 09/08/2021 09:42

Don’t really see what can do, keep supporting her and be available for her as a sounding board, agree with PP that it’s probably best to avoid mentioning sex

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 09/08/2021 09:50

Can you honestly say that you are doing half the housework/childcare/admin etc? I think its very easy to underestimate how much work actually goes into a home/family. I often hear women who are resentful that their partners aren't more proactive into doing stuff, and that dampens desire in turn. The way you talk about 'cleaning up behind her' implies that you think housework is her job, rather than a shared responsibility.

YarnOver · 09/08/2021 11:37

I don't know why but I don't like the tone of your posts OP. You seem judgemental and I'm sorry you did call your wife fat / larger. You've noticed her weight and pointed it out.
You work less and she works more and then you pick at her that she's not picked something up off the side and it's a massive deal that you've picked it up for her.

Shes clearly unhappy, and she needs support, but you've gone on MN and pointed out all her minor flaws

Would you be happy for her to read this character assassination that you've written about her? If I were your wife I would be LIVID.

And then you think you've made it ok by saying she's your everything and she's exceptional, after you've nit picked all the ways she isn't on a public forum

Have a think - would you show her this?

You need to have a proper talk about what's going on. If you can't facilitate this yourself perhaps marriage counseling would be helpful as the counselor would be able to help you both open up to each other. I'm not suggesting your marriage is failing, I have no idea, but relationship counseling isn't always about that, it's helping couples communicate more - which I feel you two need.

In the meanwhile read back your messages, have a think how she would feel reading jt all, and how you'd feel if she'd written that about you.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/08/2021 11:52

Didnt realise there were that many assumptions you would fill in incorrectly

Unfortunately it happens very often on MN - doubly so when you're male and dared to post about weight, which is anathema on here

If you've already spoken with your wife and don't feel you're making progress, would you both consider counselling?

Mischance · 09/08/2021 11:57

If your wife is on the phone for a long time before going to sleep, then she will have trouble sleeping.

ravenmum · 09/08/2021 12:07

I don't mind supporting her at all, so that's not any issue
How are you supporting her? Do you mean comforting her when she's upset? Encouraging her in her choices?
"I don't mind" and "it's not an issue" seem a bit of an odd way to describe these normal things we all do for the people we love? Do you feel as if she isn't supporting and encouraging you as much as you are her, so you have a raw deal, but you're willing to accept that imbalance?

Sakurami · 09/08/2021 12:16

Could be wrong but the men that post on here always seem to take on the brunt of housework, childcare etc. My ex used to really believe that he did most of the housework. Taking out the bins and emptying the dishwasher every now and then and sometimes buying loo rolls was the extent of it and with 4 kids.

Anyway. Talk to her and see what can be done.

Gilda152 · 09/08/2021 12:20

OP, it's absolutely fine to mention your wife has put on substantial weight. She knows she has better than anyone. So my guess is, she's feeling run down and overwhelmed mentally and that has caused her to physically go downhill too (as many of us have over lockdown, it's not a crime to mention it). She's not sleeping, nor feeling desirable or sexy or like being intimate with you. Yet she's got a need to fulfil sexual urges privately by watching porn. It happens a lot and I don't know why MN want to focus in on the fact that you mentioned doing the housework (if you hadn't mentioned it somebody would have asked the question, it's so hypocritical on here sometimes it's actually painful) and that your wife is fatter than before. As someone also fatter than before, she's going to need to deal with this first to restore her self esteem and as a man you ABSOLUTELY cannot address her weight in anyway (against MN law) I don't know how you solve it and I don't think she's just gone off you, but she's very much gone off herself as well and for every woman who's been there it's a hard mindset to get out of. Without being twee a change of scene would probably do you good. A holiday or a weekend just the two of you if possible. It's worked for me and my DH. We were falling into quite an unpleasant rut but having just returned from a week in the sun we've left home worries behind and enjoyed being a couple again and we're building from there... Try it?

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