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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH has a drinking problem, considering ending the relationship, need advice.

17 replies

Pheobe2020 · 08/08/2021 22:58

Hi, so yeah I'd love to say the title says it all, but unfortunately it doesn't.

First off if anyone has been in a similar situation, would you please let me know and how you handled the situation.
I didn't realise the drinking was a huge issue until just after we had our second child.

DH has childhood issues, which I believe caused him to start drinking from about the age of 20, and it's slowly just become a serious problem, he can't go a day without having a drink currently.
He works, but he stays up late the night before drinking excessively. He doesn't drink around the children, he waits until they're in bed but it's got to a point where they wake up and see empty beer cans on the side etc, unless I've cleaned them up which is usually the case.

It's making his behaviour quite unpredictable and honestly it's off putting, I love him when he's sober, love having a conversation with him and being intimate but when he's had a drink it's just very off putting to me, and I've started to become quite evasive of him in many ways during the evenings.

I am considering just giving him an ultimatum, stop drinking or leave? has anyone tried this. I know it's probably not going to end in my favour but it's all I have, it will break my heart to tear my family apart but I will if I have to do protect myself and children from the emotional upset, my father was an alcoholic and died at 40, so I am not going to put my children through the same experience as me.

OP posts:

Suburbanqueen · 08/08/2021 23:17

Give him the choice but in my experience, alcohol will win. I am 26 years married to a functioning alcoholic. I wish I had run for the hills 20 years ago. I didn't and I bitterly regret it. I am now in my 60s and facing divorce. I was a coward. Don't end up like me.

LondonSouth28 · 08/08/2021 23:31

If you can make him see he has an alcohol problem and he will get help maybe. But not many do, at least not at that stage. And like the PP said - alcohol always wins. Run.

It took me ages (3 children!) to figure out I was married to functioning alcoholic. His saying to me 'I do have an alcohol problem, I had a wife problem'. Divorced now and he is a nightmare - hates me and blames me for everything. Alcohol though still blameless...

Original poster

Pheobe2020 · 08/08/2021 23:32

I’m sorry to hear that. My mum went through the same thing, didn’t end things until her late 30’s and regretted not doing it sooner. I know alcohol will always win, I absolutely hate the poison. I wish I could live with it but the behaviour that comes with it is just too upsetting.

OP posts:

Raver84 · 09/08/2021 01:14

I've been in exactly the same boat.
My mum was amd still is an alcoholic.
Husband had always enjoyed a drink but it hit me when I was pregnant how bad his drinking became and like with you I noticed it was daily and I just didn8want that for my family. We were married 12 years before I ended it last spring. Mostly due to the drink but there were other issues too. The drinking contributed to me falling out of live with him and I was very unhappy for the last 3 years of our marriage. I pleaded in various easy face to face calmly, in argumenst I wrote letters and texts emails. I did everything I could. It didn't stop him.
We are 15 months separated now and to his credit in the last couple of months he has stopped. We don't live together anymore and are divorcing. It Hurst that he didn't make those choices when our marriage could have been saved but he could only do it when he was ready and I'm pleased for him and for the kids.
Anyway just wanted to say it's a horrible situation and you arnt alone. I did read up on the children of alcoholics sometimes ending up in relationship with alcoholics don't quote me as it was some time ago I read but it's something in us that wants to 'save', that person in a way we hadn't saved our parents I can definitely understand that but it was a not a conscious choice of mine.
Hugs x

thepeopleversuswork · 09/08/2021 08:38

I'm sorry to be blunt about this but you need to hear it and I'm not going to sugarcoat this (I've been through this). You need to leave. Ultimatums and threats won't work, they will at best prolong the agony.

For an alcoholic, alcohol will always come first. This may not be a conscious choice but no amount of suggestions, nagging, threats etc will make a difference. Anything they do will always incremental, short-term fixes designed to placate you and give the illusion that they are meeting your needs. Ultimately they are just trying to buy you off so they can continue drinking.

You can't control his drinking or change it. If it is causing you pain and difficulty in your life (and it obviously is and that's perfectly reasonable) you have to take matters into your own hands. It is just possible that your leaving will be the prompt he needs to sort his life out -- although I wouldn't count on this. But by staying you are tacitly giving him permission to carry on.

It's a horrible environment for you and more importantly you owe it to your children for them not to be brought up in an environment dominated by their father's drinking. You owe it to them to leave.

DinosaurDiana · 09/08/2021 08:39

If you give him an ultimatum he will say all the right things, then continue drinking.
I’d ask him to leave.

hanketypankety · 09/08/2021 08:53

I'm in the same situation. My DH hasn't had a day off alcohol for at least 6 years, probably more. His mum is the same and they both view alcohol in the same way. She will always encourage him to have a pint when out for a family meal and if I ask DH to drive she would make a comment like oh poor him. He never drinks in the day but as soon as I go to bed that's when he starts and it's only about 4 cans a night but that's still enough. I've tried to talk to him about it, pleaded with him, begged him to see he has a problem but nothing. He gives the typical addict response of 'I can stop when I want to, I just don't want to yet'. I hate going on holidays as he starts drinking as soon as the AL bar opens in the mornings. It's just not normal. The weird thing is he very rarely appears drunk so I never have to deal with awful behaviour but I guess that shows his tolerance to it now.

DinosaurDiana · 09/08/2021 08:59

My DH drinks a bottle of wine every night. I can’t remember the last time he had a night of no alcohol.
He never appears drunk.
I don’t even bother mentioning it anymore, fed up of the promises to stop/cut down.

Andante57 · 09/08/2021 09:01

Op please go to Al anon.
You will help and support from people who have been in or are in the same boat as you.
I am sorry you’re going through this - it’s an absolute nightmare.

thepeopleversuswork · 09/08/2021 09:20

@Andante57

Op please go to Al anon. You will help and support from people who have been in or are in the same boat as you. I am sorry you’re going through this - it’s an absolute nightmare.

Second this. Al Anon helped me massively in gaining perspective and realising it wasn't my job to "fix" it.

Kottontail · 09/08/2021 10:10

I'm sorry you are going through this. I left with our child when he was a toddler, should have done it sooner. Unfortunately, the alcohol does win. Take care x

fedup078 · 09/08/2021 10:47

Yeah I gave him an ultimatum after he got drunk in the morning with our 11mo, sort himself out or leave, he promised he'd go to AA blah blah blah he didn't so now we are divorcing
My mother was also an alcoholic
I'm angry with myself for putting up with it for so long .

Itstheend · 09/08/2021 10:48

I'm just about to post as I'm in a similar situation and need support.

Many hugs.

LemonPeonies · 09/08/2021 11:13

From the other side, I developed an alcohol addiction when I was 18, by the time I was 21 I was in AA. I'm 10 years sober now and the thought of drinking never enters my mind. I have a son and I'm a nurse. Alcohol doesn't always "win".

Ilady · 09/08/2021 11:24

One of my friends got involved in her early 20s with a man whose an alcoholic. Within a few months she was pregnant. When she had the child they were not living together. Within a few years she was living with him and had 2 further children with him.
Eventually she realised that he had money for drink but not for a pair of shoes for one of the kids. She was sick of being broke, dealing with him been drunk and constantly fighting with him. She told him it was over and he could move out. She had to go on benefits and when the children got a bit older she worked. She then did some further training and has a good job now.
Two of her children now have degrees and jobs. Her 3rd child is in college and working pt. She told me it was hard when this happened but she knew her children deserved a better life than they all had with him.
He is still drinking, living in social housing and is in and out of work due to his drinking.
You need to consider your own life and that of your children's. You don't want them to see heavy drinking as normal. Within a few years your husband could be drinking more and it could be harder to leave then.

OliveToboogie · 09/08/2021 13:34

I am in recovery from alcoholism. Been 2 years sober. Had periods of sobriety off and on before that. I got sober because I knew I had hit rock bottom. I totally humiliated myself on holiday and the look of disgust on my partners face and disappointment on my sons face broke my heart. People are right you need to want to get sober and it's not easy but alcohol does not always win. Good luck I wish you well x

LondonSouth28 · 28/08/2021 13:51

Sorry coming back to you- yes I tried the ultimatums. He 'negotiated' the terms, that he could drink on special occasions, Saturdays etc.... it was all an utter waste of time. He always went back to form. Ask him once to acknowledge the problem and ask him to make changes/seek help. If he fails, run. I tortured myself trying to stop him drinking.

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