Partner's Alcohol Problem / Liver Disease

[SarahGl]

Hi,

I'd really appreciate some advice.

My partner of 33 years started drinking alcohol when he was 9. (His parents gave him and his brothers weak cider). Most of his family have either been alcoholics or alcohol dependent. He wasn't an alcoholic, i.e. he didn't have to drink to function, he used it as a crutch for all these years, and as a way to hide away from his fears.

During the past two - four years his drinking became so detrimental that he didn't work and we almost lost our rented house but I worked two jobs to stop that from happening, so I'm probably an enabler.

During covid his drinking became even worse, he couldn't remember what he'd said or done the previous day once he'd woken up from a drinking session. In May 2021 he was diagnosed with liver disease as his stomach swelled up hugely and he had to have a drain in his stomach to take the fluid away which his overcompensated body/kidneys/liver was producing. Since then he's stopped all alcohol and now his body is responding well to treatment, but he gets angry, frustrated and moody, which is him missing and craving alcohol, I'm sure. He's also worried that he could have kidney cancer as a 2cm lesion has been found there via an MRI scan.

We are now in the position of losing our rented property as the landlord wants to sell and I am the one doing everything, including sorting out alternative housing, his finances that he didn't attend to for years due to drinking. He has shown countless times that he doesn't care about my birthdays or our anniversaries and uses the excuse that he doesn't feel well, even though he's recovering well and can focus on things that he likes to do for himself when it suits him. He has put me through hell these past four years, having online emotional relationships with women/sending sexual messages in chat rooms, insisting that he didn’t actually meet anyone, and I am at my wits end.

He is adamant that he'll never drink alcohol again but has started to drink 0 % alcohol beer which I don't think is a good thing for him psychologically. I have supported him through thick and thin, putting his needs above my own for such a long time and I don't know how much more I can take of his selfish behaviour. I don’t know if I can ever trust him not go start drinking again once his liver has recovered. He helped me when I had cancer, so I want to help him, but what do I do? I'd be grateful for some advice. I’ve contacted Al-anon UK for help too.
Thanks x

0% beer might give him that sense of celebration without descending into frenzy, or it might not.

It sounds as though whether he gets on top of his alcoholism or not, you seem to have had enough? It's quite hard to forgive someone for repeatedly putting you through hell, and indeed why should you?

I think Al-Anon are the right people to support you through this, so well done on making that first step.

I can assure you, your DP has been an alcoholic for years. You (and presumably he) have a particular image in mind that an alcoholic needs to be putting vodka on their cornflakes in the morning or they're not really an alcoholic; this isn't the case. It seems unlikely he will ever accept this label, but what he does or doesn't do at this point isn't the issue - you are.

I would strongly recommend getting out now. Before he is actually ill again and you have to abandon an invalid for your own wellbeing. I think you're quite right that 0% alcohol beer is the start of the slippery slope and his behaviour is what AA would call the dry drunk. I assume that he isn't participating in any addiction treatment.

I would fight the urge to think that you 'owe' him because he supported you when you had cancer - you've more than paid him back over the years already. The fact that you have to move makes this a good moment to call time on this relationship, and start to put yourself first.

I am an alcoholic, in recovery (i.e. I no longer drink). I will drink 0% alcohol though and in fact I think it was really helpful in keeping me on the right path and I think it still is. When the weather is good in particular, it is nice to think I can go to the pub like anyone else and have my 0%. It in no way would tempt me back to alcohol at all.

I just wanted to comment on that part of your post, I am sorry for not commenting on the rest, I need to think about that more first.

I am an Alcoholic in recovery,over 18 years now.

If he is drinking non-alcoholic beer,it will lead him back to the real stuff,I have seen it happen over and over again over the years.

Non-Alcoholic beer is for non alcoholics full stop.

@480Widdio

I am an Alcoholic in recovery,over 18 years now.

If he is drinking non-alcoholic beer,it will lead him back to the real stuff,I have seen it happen over and over again over the years.

Non-Alcoholic beer is for non alcoholics full stop.

I second this. My sibling is an alcoholic and the whole drinking 0% was only a stepping stone to going back on the drink. He needs to go to rehab as the 0% will only satisfy his cravings for so long.

Thanks to all who replied with much needed and appreciated advice :) x

Get out. Seriously. Putting his needs above yours endlessly is very unhealthy - for both of you. You’ve listed multiple reasons which make leaving the only sane thing to do,

Have you read about codependency?

I'd leave him.
You've already done more than enough for him over the years while he's treated you poorly.
Someone else can look after him.

Imagine a life without that burden on you.

You aren’t married. Far easier to walk away.

0% beer is a way to excuse the smell of beer on his breath and the sounds of bottles clinking. Chances are that whilst you see the 0%, you've not seen the other stuff he's chugged on the way back from the beer shop, that has already gone into the recycling bin (or the neighbours') which the labels peeled off or sneaked into the house on the reckoning that if you do spot it, he could say 'Oh, really? That's really bad, they must have put that in there by mistake'.

Walk away. He's either drinking already or is planning for the big moment when he can do it.

....He has put me through hell these past four years, having online emotional relationships with women/sending sexual messages in chat rooms, insisting that he didn’t actually meet anyone, and I am at my wits end......

Good enough reason to walk away
You owe him nothing
Leave
He is,an adult
You cannot cure him

Thank you all so much for your replies and advice, they're helping me no end.

I've read up on codependency - thanks @SparklingLime - it's a huge breakthrough for me: my father was emotionally and physically abusive and I realise I became a people pleaser at a young age to keep the peace in an effort to try to control his behaviour and I realise now it's why I've shied away from conflict in the past and put my own needs aside in an effort to keep people including myself safe. So thanks again, it's very emotional realising this and ultimately empowering. Thank you :) xx

Honestly OP - I would leave him - I’ve just watched my boyfriends mums partner go through this exact same thing. He paid for her to go to rehab multiple times, sorted out her finances after she neglected them due to drinking, stood by her through thick and thin - she relapsed and passed away this year at the age of 60. The drinking made her look more like 90 and she was skin and bone.

The fact he has started drinking 0% beer is a bad sign - how long until he moves onto alcoholic drinks again?

I think a previous poster mentioned this but remember the 3 C’s

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
And you can’t cure it

Good luck it’s not a nice situation to be in