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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did I scare her off

25 replies

feeficken · 08/08/2021 16:58

So been chatting to a girl on OLD and we have been going back and forth for a few days, getting to know each other more. Anyway I don’t mind text chatting but I do prefer a call, video chat or actual date to see if there is a spark and the texting can continue on from there.

So I asked her if she would be up for a text chat but there was no pressure to do so, I see she has read the message but not responded so I’m thinking I’ve scared her off but then it’s not a no either, maybe she just needs time to think about it.

Did I ask for video chat soon ya think-?

OP posts:

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 08/08/2021 17:16

Are you male OP? I ask because if you are she might think you're asking for something sexual (obviously a woman could ask for this too but I have no experience of that myself so can't be of help with whether that's common....) That you want to see something on there.... Obviosuly she might not be, it's just something that women sometimes assume nowadays because it is commonly what they are asking for if they want videos or pictures after a few days or less.

Obviously this is quite a sexist way of thinking and not all women think this and not all men do it. But some will. So that might be what's made her write you off if she is someone who thinks that. But it might not be that and yes, she could just be thinking about it, or feel she doesn't want to do that yet but doesn't know how to say no without making you feel bad.

BrozTito · 08/08/2021 17:21

Are you new to online dating? Basically out of ten people, 5 will just vanish for no reason, 4 will be lunatics and the 1 good prospect will probably be moving abroad. Dont give it a 2nd thought, do not become invested until you're official. Yes, romance is dead.

66babe · 08/08/2021 17:21

Or ... her hair's a mess , she's in her sloppy comfy I'm going nowhere outfit , spot on her nose and she's not waxed her tache

Or ... it's some nutter .. catfish - Norman, 61

Or ... she's not used to a decent bloke making a sensible suggestion cause she's used to the OLD idiots and she's just a bit surprised

I could go on , just see how it goes 😉

Sakurami · 08/08/2021 17:48

That's fair enough. I've been told by 2 men I've dated that so many women they met looked completely different to their pics. I've had video calls with every man I went on dates with. I don't see the issue.

For me speaking on the phone was the most important thing though.

Original poster

feeficken · 08/08/2021 17:56

Yeah I am male and yes new to OLD, ex is the only woman’s I have been with 🤦‍♂️ so while I come across confident externally I am a but unsure if myself. Anyway I don’t think she’ll have taken it as anything sexual because I’ve said nothing in our previous chats that suggested that’s how I behave and I’ve been respectful. I dont know if I am a “typical” bloke or not when it comes to OLD but we’ve spoken about what I’d consider the normal stuff at this point like hobbies, what a good night out is, our kids, favourite foods and movies and what a good first date looks like and so on 🤷‍♂️ and had a few laughs in between.

I’m probably reading all a bit too much into it so might just disappear and that’s that, I know it’s a numbers game and has others said maybe she’s not had a good experience. We shall see what happens.

OP posts:

Original poster

feeficken · 08/08/2021 17:57

Oh Jesus I hope it’s not Norman though 😂🤣

OP posts:

litterbird · 08/08/2021 18:03

Oh how lovely to see a normal man trying OLD out...you sound sane and lovely. Hope you find someone soon. OLD is, well, mmmmm, odd. You will meet many who will disappear because they have issues, dont look like their photos and (as I have experienced ) when they want to video chat, well its not their face that comes into view on the screen....I will leave you with your imagination for that. Some women are very shy or guarded as they may just be trying to find their feet coming out of a difficult marriage. Perhaps chatting on line for a bit more but not for long, best thing to get a date sorted fairly sharply. Maybe after chatting and getting a date fixed then chatting more you could just broach a telephone call before the date. Its a bit of a minefield but dont give up....you are a scarcity out there on line.

BrozTito · 08/08/2021 19:02

Id leave one more short message just explaining what you said here and maybe suggest meeting as an alternative then leave it to her. You cant force somebody to like you, if they do they will work out.

Original poster

feeficken · 08/08/2021 19:23

Btw that was supposed to say I asked her to video chat not text chat 😂. The app has a built in video date option, I did say to her there was no pressure and if she wasn’t ready for that it’s no problem.

OP posts:

Original poster

feeficken · 08/08/2021 19:24

I’ll maybe drop her a message tomorrow will give it a bit more time see if she reached out.

OP posts:

Whatabambam · 08/08/2021 19:32

I second everything that has been said here in terms of all the very genuine reasons why she might have not responded. Please try not to take it personally nor think that you have put too much pressure on her. You sound lovely and I, for one, think that a telephone call or video chat is a natural progression so I wouldn't view it as pressure. I guess it just makes the other person think about what they want to do next and all the normal insecurities and anxieties connected to OLD might be playing out in her head.

Original poster

feeficken · 08/08/2021 19:59

Yes I agree, she of course has a life to lead and there could be a number of reasons she’s not responded. I think I’m just over thinking it as I tend to do that. I’ll drop her a message along the lines of:

Hello, did you have a good Sunday? Hopefully my video chat suggestion has not scared you off. I’ll put my cards on the table and I’m sure you’ve realised you’ve peaked my interest and hopefully I’ve peaked yours?”

OP posts:

SilverRoe · 08/08/2021 20:09

I don’t think you should send that next message tbh. Don’t talk about scaring her off or the video chat - ask how her Sunday has been and see if she responds. (also it’s ‘piqued’ not ‘peaked’ in this context).

If she was put off by the video chat suggestion you mentioning it again isn’t going to help.

Original poster

feeficken · 08/08/2021 20:13

@SilverRoe that’s a good point and thanks for pointing out the grammatical error.

OP posts:

66babe · 08/08/2021 20:13

Yh I would agree
Just say ... "urgh Monday again , hope you had a good Sunday , got any plans for the weekend ? Are you free at all ? "

Or " is that you Norman ? "

TheFoundations · 08/08/2021 20:18

I really think that if you're having to post on a forum about your confusion regarding communication in a relationship at this stage, you're not ready for a relationship.

It's meant to be easy and flowy and superlatively unconcerning, at this point, not 'OH NO did I do it wrong and frighten her off??', and if her communication style doesn't make you feel comfortable and confident from the off, then you need to keep looking. A few messages over a few days isn't something you've built together that you may have destroyed by making a mistake; it's a few messages.

Original poster

feeficken · 08/08/2021 20:19

Haha I’ll go with is that you Norman, I’ll take out the piqued interest part and the video call part and just keep it more general and ask her how her Sunday was.

OP posts:

Original poster

feeficken · 08/08/2021 20:34

@TheFoundations perhaps the point of this post was lost or I unintentionally posted it in context you describe but I am not bothered if she doesn’t respond I could take it or leave it, it’s not got me worried or stressed. The post was intended for more of asking for a point of view asking that was I perhaps too quick to make the suggestion about the video call. You maybe right perhaps my communication skills with other woman isn’t there yet so it’s a learning experience and posting on a forum and getting different points of view can help with that learning experience, better to do that than not trying to improve right?

OP posts:

shapes1 · 08/08/2021 20:36

Lolabray · 08/08/2021 20:38

If you look too keen it can be annoying. Like others have said perhaps she is busy or working. If she is interested I’m sure she will accept the offer of a conversation

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/08/2021 20:39

I hate, hate, hate video chat. I’d much rather meet someone in person.

TheFoundations · 08/08/2021 21:01

[quote feeficken]@TheFoundations perhaps the point of this post was lost or I unintentionally posted it in context you describe but I am not bothered if she doesn’t respond I could take it or leave it, it’s not got me worried or stressed. The post was intended for more of asking for a point of view asking that was I perhaps too quick to make the suggestion about the video call. You maybe right perhaps my communication skills with other woman isn’t there yet so it’s a learning experience and posting on a forum and getting different points of view can help with that learning experience, better to do that than not trying to improve right?[/quote]
There are no rules to follow except to be yourself. If you scared her off by being yourself, she's not the one for you. Whatever a forum says. Trying to improve yourself suggests that you don't think you're good enough as you are, and that's what your initial post also suggests.

Work on your insecurites. Asking strangers if you're doing it right is after the fact. Having the question in the first place is the issue. You need to get yourself into a position where you say 'I don't care if xy or z woman likes me: I like me, and nobody tells me how to act/what to say etc'

Then you'll find someone who loves you for being you, rather than loving you for doing what Mumsnet said would be best.

JustAnother0ldMan · 08/08/2021 21:48

I’m doing a bit of OLD as well, and I really wouldn’t worry about it, some women vanish after a few messages, some don’t bother to respond (I just assume that they don’t like my pics etc), I’ve had a couple of chats go off the app, but I tend to let the other person suggest this (maybe others might think that’s a bit passive of me 🤷🏼‍♂️), I’m hoping one lady is going to suggest a meet-up of some sort, but again kinda letting her decide

WhoIsPepeSilva · 08/08/2021 23:56

It wouldn't scare me off and normally I'm on the lookout for the red flags.

You sound perfectly normal and decent from what you've written. Just be you, there is no right or wrong in general terms of what you are asking re when is the right time to video chat, just what speaks to each individual. I'm similar in that I like to talk or meet sooner rather than later, others like to take it slower and "get to know" someone that way.

Opentooffers · 09/08/2021 00:13

I know I'm not photogenic, so would never video chat someone. I'm no bad IRL though, always see a pleasant surprise when I've met every single OLD. Maybe that's because I never used filters, or use lots of makeup, only wear foundation on occasions, but that's just who I am, stylish, but not overdone. Maybe she's the same. I think I'd reply though, otherwise it's rude. Something like "would rather meet in person than video first."

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