How do you know if you’re falling out of love?

[JoeyV88]

Calling on MNetters here for some advice…as clearly I can’t work out what I’m thinking

My husband and I have been together for 13 years and have three DC. For a while now I have been questioning my feelings and wondering…how do you know if you’ve fallen out of love?

Our lives have very much revolved around my husband, in terms of his job, where he wanted to live, events within his family - it is as if the best part of the last decade has been dominated by my husbands needs and wants. He is what I would describe as selfish, he has been brought up to believe he can do no wrong and was never held accountable and I think it has been ingrained in him from childhood that what he wants, he gets and that he is a golden child . Recently I have started to resent him for constantly having to pander to his needs while mine go completely ignored. For reasons I won’t go into on here I really needed his support last year and he was the opposite of supportive. It has made me retreat from him greatly as I feel I can’t rely on him at all to care for me, pick me up when I fall or just generally ever look out for me. He never offers to do anything for me not even simple gestures like cooking dinner for me, putting a wash on etc. I find that I now no longer care about his feelings, if he were to get upset about something I can genuinely say I wouldn’t care whereas I would feel completely different for my children obviously and other family members. It is as if I have flicked a switch as I’ve been so hurt / let down so many times by him.

I am also no longer sexually attracted to him. We do have sex every other week or so but i would be happy never to have to do it again. There is no intimacy between us in day to day life, we don’t have any physical contact and it’s been years since we properly kissed. I still have sexual needs which I satisfy myself while fantasising about other men…not ideal I’ll admit!

Now…am I simply in self protect mode and of course I still love him or…is it fair to say I’ve fallen out of love? I’ve been thinking a lot about separation and how I would feel if he were to meet someone new and I can’t work out how I’d react. I’m so confused! Please share similar stories or advice xx

You have clearly fallen out of love with him which is quite understandable. Personally I wouln't want to stay with him, but those are your decisions.

It seems like you're starting to fall out of love. If the thought of splitting with him doesn't upset you then it's time to worry. Personally I'd sit him down and tell him how he's been making you feel and that you feel like he needs to work on your relationship. If he's willing then hopefully you can rekindle your flame. If he's not then you have your answer on how important to him you are. Sexual attraction comes and goes with long term relationships but if he's not satisfying your needs I don't blame you for the DIY! But again that's something I would talk to him about. You deserve to feel loved and cherished and desired. I hope you can get over these problems or find yourself again x

@Disneycharacter thank you for your response. My past relationships were quite fleeting and it was always quite obvious when it was over whereas this seems to have just gradually worsened and I can’t work out if it’s salvageable or whether my feelings will change!

@emmaxelmo thank you 😊 when I think of splitting up with him I don’t feel devastated at not having him around me every day although I feel awful about the idea of breaking up our family and the children would be very upset. I’ve tried talking to him several times but he says what he needs to in the moment or turns it around finding excuses for his behaviour / blames others etc. I’ve suggested relationship counselling which he's open to but only if I pay and I earn considerably less than him x

I hate to say it OP but I would be done with him!

@Disneycharacter that’s what my parents say to me too!

This is so sad - ‘ I’ve suggested relationship counselling which he's open to but only if I pay and I earn considerably less than him.’

That’s how much he cares about your relationship. No wonder you feel out of love with him - what is there to move about someone so selfish and self-obsessed who gives so little back?

@SilverRoe he’s pretty tight with money so anything he doesn’t consider absolutely necessary is just a no-no for him I am actually thinking of seeing a therapist myself just to go through all my feelings alone. It’s difficult when you’ve been together a long time and there are children involved just to walk away but all your responses are so helpful. When you’re in the thick of it it’s difficult to see what’s actually going on so it’s been good for me to write it down and to hear you all agree things are far from great and he should have pulled his finger out. The wisdom of mumsnet! xx

I think if most of your needs aren't met, it's hard to still love someone as a partner. Love doesn't exist in a vacuum. Does he ever do anything which makes you feel close to him? Are there any good times which would give you something to work on? If not, then I'd seriously think about leaving.

@Onelifeonly he does a lot of nice things with the children and is quite hands on which I like but I wouldn’t say he does anything directly for me that makes me feel close to him. God knows how many years it’s been since we went out on a date or sat down to dinner together! I usually eat with the children and he will eat later on. That sounds pretty bad when I read it back We do still laugh together and it’s “easy” in a way that it is with a friend you’ve known for years but there’s no passion or physical closeness and I don’t ever look at him and think “cor I want to rip your clothes off!” Xx

"How do you know if you’re falling out of love?"

1. You dread the key in the door as they come home.
2. You can't stand to see/hear them blinking or breathing/chewing 3)The thought of their knob being within 100m of you naked makes you vomit a little in your mouth. 😁 There are many, many more once it starts it will never be the same again.....

@MyCatIsAFuckwit number 3 gave me a good laugh!!

Hi OP,

PPs are spot on in their assessment, in my experience falling out of love means: no sexual attraction; feels difficult and awkward to give or receive intimate/sexual/romantic touch; always looking forward to them leaving for work/travel, so you can be alone; picturing your life without them; not feeling upset at the thought of them with someone else.

No one else can tell you when it’s time to leave a relationship. But remember that it is your right to leave a relationship for any reason. When I was considering divorce that was one of my main concerns - can I leave? Am I being selfish? Mean? What will people say? Etc.

Good luck

I think the telltale signs are boredom, irritation, a sense of wariness/distance (based on lack of trust), and last but by no means least, constantly wondering if you still love them or not!

Thanks everyone @minniemouseshouses you’re spot on, you do worry that by putting your feelings first you’ll end up being the selfish one. It’s not hideous on a day to day basis, I don’t wake up crying but I do find myself wondering is this all I’m worth? Then I wonder if I’ve watched too many romcoms and am expecting something vastly different / unattainable! @Alcemeg you’re right, questioning whether you still love someone is a bit worrying! I definitely find the irritation off the scale, I find myself swearing at him under my breath as I go around the house!! 😆

It's tricky isn't it - on the surface it's all OK. Kids ticking along, there's a level of comfort and familiarity in your relationship with your H, the idea of throwing it up in the air probably seems horrendous.

BUT you are equally important in this equation. You deserve a life where you're not subsuming much of your own wants and needs to the adult child in your life. Some compromise in any relationship is normal but when the balance almost always tips towards the same person it's gone too far. And the voice in your head that keeps asking the questions around whether you're still in love, is this relationship working, am I happy is telling you something.

Definitely enter into some therapy - it may only take a few sessions for you to work out what you really feel.

You may also want to start talking to people IRL- their reactions might help you process your own thoughts with a different slant. When I was considering leaving an ex I mentioned it to a close friend who said 'oh what a shame, I think you make a lovely couple'. My internal reaction was - god no! It was the clearest I'd felt about the decision in months and inadvertently helped massively!

@Madamswearsalot thank you so much for your advice - I really appreciate it. I definitely think some counselling will help as it will be a good sounding board for me and an objective perspective is always quite handy…hence mumsnet!! 😊 I have mentioned how I’m feeling to a friend and she’s very pro-leaving, the opposite of yours!! I’m glad that conversation helped you to decide how you felt about your ex and that you’re happy now x