Lying to DM

[CoasterCoaster]

So DM has always suffered with health anxiety and is unfortunately also prone to believing in conspiracy theories, as a result she has refused the covid vaccine and convinced herself there will be people dropping like flies from the long term effects. I try not to discuss it with her, she won't listen to me and it drains me to hear it so it's better all round that I don't engage.

She's begged me not to have the vaccine and I know she is genuinely terrified for my health however ridiculous that is to the rest of us so I have just made non-committal noises and changed the subject up til now. Thing is I'm fully vaccinated and it feels horrible that I'm effectively lying to her by letting her believe I'm not, but it's either that or send her into a new spiral of anxiety that something is going to happen to me.

Please no suggestions of how to reason with her, I've tried and it doesn't work, all it does is damage our (generally very close) relationship and gets us nowhere. I'm focusing on supporting her to get help with her anxiety and hoping that will help her think more rationally about it in time, I think that's a better approach than trying to talk her round.

I guess I just need someone to tell me I'm right to keep lying to her and help me feel ok about it, I know it's the best thing while her anxiety is so strong but it doesn't sit right with me at the same time. I wish I didn't feel so conflicted about it all, I want to shake her and make her see sense at the same time as hugging her and telling her not to be scared.

What will happen if you tell her?
What will happen if you don't?
What will happen if she finds out you are vaccinated and didn't tell her?

What will happen if you tell her? She will worry herself sick that I will develop some awful side effect at some point down the line and die, nothing I say will stop this.

What will happen if you don't? Nothing, except that I will feel bad for deceiving her.

What will happen if she finds out you are vaccinated and didn't tell her? I think she will understand why I've done it, she has rational moments where she can see it's the anxiety driving her fear and she knows I wouldn't want to exacerbate that. The spiral of anxiety over it would start at the point she found out though, unless treatment for the anxiety has helped sufficiently by then to stop it.

It's pretty clear to me I need to carry on lying, think I already knew that I'm just struggling to make my peace with it as I'm normally honest and straightforward.

Once you accept that someone's thinking does not allow you to reason with them, it's much better to just accept that they need to be treated like a toddler.

You wouldn't think twice about giving a toddler an age appropriate answer, do the same for DM.

The less specific you are, the less likely you are to be caught out in an untruth. I might even make a note to myself if what I had said. Just 'for the record'.

Sometimes it's best to hide the truth. Don't tell her, she doesn't need to know.

As somebody who has suffered from severe health anxiety I think you are doing the right thing. She is in the full grip of it and probably having panic attacks. In her rational moments she probably knows deep down that you have had the vaccine but you have no need to confirm it at the moment. You sound like a caring a supportive partner

You’re doing nothing wrong and don’t need to feel bad. She has mental health issues and you have decided not to trigger her with this information, for good reason.

Thank you, I don't know why I needed other people to say it was ok but I think I did, I feel a bit more settled about it now which is a relief. I like the age-appropriate analogy FinallyHere, I guess the idea that the parental roles get reversed as our parents get older is more true than I realised, I hope I can tell her one day, and that she might even get well enough to have her own jab but I won't hold my breath. Thanks again, I do feel better.

Can't you just tell her you won't be discussing anything to do with your health care, vaccine or anything, with her as it's not helpful for either of you and is private
Stick to it with all health decisions

I would just say “can we not discuss Covid anymore”