Kicking out alcoholic husband

[Beedlebum]

My dh is an alcoholic. He has been spiralling downwards for the last year and while he admits he has a problem, he doesn't actually want to do anything about it. He is belligerent, accusing and nasty while drunk, and today I realised I have had enough. I have told him that tomorrow he will be on a train to wherever he wants to go.

We recently moved to a new area for a fresh start, so I am pretty much alone in a strnge town, but anything is better than the emotional rollercoaster that is my current life.

I am scared to be alone for the first time in my 49 years, but I need to stay strong and not wheedle his way back into my heart when he sobers up tomorrow. I may need a hand hold.

I am devastated 😭

So sorry you're going through this @Beedlebum but you are doing the right thing. You will know that there is nothing you can do to change what he is. You will no doubt have tried being supportive, finding different treatments, shouting, ignoring the problem, being so frustrated you wanted to burst, pleading, begging, sobbing, being positive and upbeat.... everything. But it isn't in your power to change this.

The only thing you can control is how you respond, and you need to get away for the sake of your own health and wellbeing, or you will become another casualty of his addiction. I'll bet you're already a shadow of your former self.

Please don't let him guilt trip you in to changing your mind. Noone has the right to make someone else's life a misery as he is making yours. He isn't thinking about you, your feelings, your well being. So you shouldn't always have to prioritise his.

Do you have anyone to talk to IRL? Any support groups in your area?

Please don't change your mind. Don't become another casualty of someone else's alcoholism.

@layladomino, I have indeed tried to get him helped, begged, pleaded, cajoled, cried and got angry, but nothing works. I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix him, he needs to make that decision on his own. He doesn't work so has no income, so I will buy him his train tickets, give him some money for food, which he will probably spend on drink, and leave him to it.

I don't have any rl support, bit will be ok long term

Have you tried www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ It's for the family and friends of alcoholics. If al anon is not to your taste, it's not for everyone there are others here: alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services

You've done the right thing as alcoholism is classed as a disease because it's progressive. As you can see he's spiralled down and is stuck in denial. It may also be an idea to take a look at CoDA and read up on co-dependence.

How long have you been married?

Would separating and letting him see he what he's going to lose if he doesn't sort his shyt out now, be an option? Have him move out and sort his income etc on his own. You could then be able to keep an eye on him for all the good it may do to know you aren't just giving up because he is.

I feel like it's absolutely not right for the issue to be entirely on you but you made vows so 1 year of this shyt after, say, 10/20 years married is not, imo, right to give up on so quickly. If you have been married 2/3 years and he is showing no sign of doing anything about it, it's more understandable.

You can't tell someone that they aren't 'right' to give up on an alcoholic. No matter how long or short the relationship.

OP good luck making him believe you mean it. Even better luck getting him to leave and take responsibility for his own actions.

As others have said, if Al Anon isn't for you there are other support organisations for you. All of them will help you disentangle your emotions from his addiction.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. After being in a relationship with an alcoholic myself, I know how much of a toll it takes on a person and you are absolutely doing the right thing. As I was going through the break up, someone said to me that people will only treat you as poorly as you allow them and it really resonated with me. You have already taken the biggest step in recognising his behaviour is not ok and have taken action.

Big hug and a hand hold

How long has he not worked for, I would make him leave for not working, never mind being an alcoholic.

I’ve been there…. 12 years together and finally I made the decision to leave last October.
It’s hard, it was emotional and it was also the best thing I ever did.

It took about two months to really sink in but the weight that was lifted off my shoulders was unbelievable, weight I didn’t even know was there.

Until they want to help themselves there is ABSOLUTELY nothing you can do.

My husband wouldn’t listen to me, he was hiding alchohol all over the house, not coming home etc.

You can’t help them unless they’re willing to help themselves….. it’s horrible, but true.

It won’t be easy, and you’ll be very very up and down. But stay strong and realise your worth so so much more.

I got in touch my local woman’s aid and they have been super at giving me advice and strength in talking to someone. Maybe give them a try.

Xxxxx

Thank you all for your responses, not in a good place at the moment but will reply later

Has he agreed to leave? If not, then unfortunately it's not as simple as putting him on a train and giving him some money for food. Doing so could arguably be classed as financial abuse, it certainly would be if the genders were reversed.

Get some legal advice before making any decisions. It's a really tough situation for you.

OP I have no experience of this, but just wanted to say how hard this sounds. Incredibly hard. And offer a virtual hand to hold

Get legal advice. If married then you can't make him leave as house will be classed as joint asset. Don't do anything that could be used against you.

Just a quick one, house is tied to my job, he has no claim on it, so ok there. He is in agreement that he should go

Hope you sleep ok tonight.

You are right to make him leave if you can legally do so. In a relationship with an addict, the only person you can save is you.

mummabug unless you have extensive personal experience of living with an addict, you have no business giving advice on what constitutes trying for 'long enough'. I stuck it out for over 6 years. All I achieved was more damage to our DDs.