Feeling lonely. Friends cancelled.

[Withgasoliiiiine]

Hi all,

Just feeling a bit upset and alone.

I'm normally a bit of an introvert so have handled WFH and living alone during lockdown quite well but I really enjoy seeing friends.

I've noticed that a lot of them cancel and reschedule a lot which I'm usually fine with (they're genuinely close friends, I have no doubt, just have busy lives too, and I'm quite laid back generally so I don't think they would realise I might not be completely unbothered by this).

This weekend, two have cancelled. One for Friday night, one for this afternoon/ evening. I just feel sad and at a loose end.

One cancelled because she was hungover and the other because she wants to have dinner with family instead. I am pretty flexible and good with my own company, and have seen other people yesterday and Thurs but feel a bit upset this particular weekend.

I think it's because I live alone and they don't and split up from a not-very-long but serious relationship a few weeks ago so would have especially liked the company, as well as just to see these particular friends.

I just feel a bit pathetic thinking it's fine that they want to cancel but those were most of my weekend plans. I'll end up doing something alone and that's ok (or see if anyone's not busy but most of my other friends are) but I just feel a bit devalued. Not sure why.

Feels a bit sharper as I'm moving very soon so can't arrange an online date which I might normally do, and have paid a house deposit so am quite skint so can't afford to do anything that really costs. My interests are quite solitary (feels like I'm kind of shooting myself in the foot with this).

Not sure if I'm asking anything but I don't often feel lonely but do today. Is there a non confrontational way to indicate next time that I'm not actually delighted just to cancel and rearrange last minute to try and stop it happening so frequently? Not saying I've never done this but it definitely feels like it's more the other way round.

Is there a non confrontational way to indicate next time that I'm not actually delighted just to cancel and rearrange last minute to try and stop it happening so frequently

Careful here. People do what they do. If you don't like what your friends do, find other friends, rather than trying to change the ones you have.

Have you had a look at what's happening nearby you today? Any free events that you could go to by yourself? Guided walks, live music, free trial day at the local spa etc etc?

Sounds like it would be good to do something totally different from normal, to remind you that being on your own can be fun. And if you find something that you enjoy, you might meet some new friends anyway.

Lots of people would give an eye for a Sunday alone. I don't think it's useful to say to somebody sad that lots of people would be happy with their situation, usually; I'm more saying that this isn't a negative reflection on you.

At the very least, buy yourself some flowers and a box of chocolates. That's 101 for people whose friends just let them down!

For what it's worth, I spent Friday evening luxuriating in the fact that I had no plans all weekend. It rocks.

Sorry your feeling like this, it would seem to be a moment of unfortunate circumstances all coming at the same time.
In the situation your faced with today, I’d go out, get a newspaper and find a coffee shop to treat myself to brunch ( or what you can afford) and read the paper.
It won’t change anything, but might cheer you up.

@Withgasoliiiiine I’ve been there many times. I recommend a tea, a podcast and a walk in the first instance. Try to remember if they are close friends then it doesn’t mean they don’t care. If you were in a better place I don’t think you’d care as much. Sorry you feel low it’s rubbish and I know how you feel. Keep going

Feels a bit sharper as I'm moving very soon so can't arrange an online date

Why’s that? If it’s online, does it matter if you’re moving soon?

I sympathise about the friends though-that’s a bit rubbish for you.

It hurts, but I wouldn't say anything right now. It's worse because it's two at a time and you're feeling raw already, but that's not either of their faults. Assuming they're good mates usually.

I might go back to the hungover one and see if they're up for something later on? Eg "come on you big wuss we can get a fry up!"

I completely get you. I have a very small friends circle and like you am quite introverted naturally. I live alone and work from home so why I do have plans I really look forward to them.

I've been trying to push myself to go out and do things alone and I enjoy it but it's not the same as having someone with you and having a natter.

Here if you want to message ❤

Thanks everyone, you've made me feel better I think I'll definitely head out in the first instance and google while I'm walking what's happening locally.

Suppose I've never been one for big, tight knit groups but can see the appeal of it at times like this!

it would seem to be a moment of unfortunate circumstances all coming at the same time yes I think this is exactly it. I won't say anything as like category12 says, its neither of their faults that all.of this has happened at once. They've both been really great about the breakup too, it's just kind of the stage where I've talked it through and am not over things, but don't want to drive friends mad going over the same issue when to be honest, it wasn't a big drama, just not compatible due to my move and now missing my ex.

howshouldibehave I've been chatting to a man in my new town who seems really nice, really hoping we get to meet. I'm not really looking for anything casual or long distance though hence not much point meeting anyone new locally.

I'm definitely on board with the chocolates though!

I suppose the timing has made a small thing like these cancellations feel really big as I have a big move and life change coming up and am doing everything alone, which feels like a lot and I suppose this has just made it feel more so!

it's just kind of the stage where I've talked it through and am not over things

Oh god. That stage. Yup, it's definitely really tedious to be in that bit of breakup recovery. 'Yes, I know what I should be doing, but I still just feel crap'. At least you know it's temporary, though. I think that being pissed off with being pissed off is a bit like a springboard; it's the last step before you feel recovered.

It's likely more highlighted since your relationship ended. You are bound to feel more alone. Be honest with yourself, did you see your friends as much or less when you were in a relationship? Did it bother you then? Maybe it bothered them if you saw them less?
Overall, it's probably more of an end of relationship issue, than a friend issue. Now you have time to seek out new opportunities. Moving house could be a new beginning for you..

I seem to be against the grain here but I wouldn’t be okay with being cancelled on for either of those reasons, and I would be honest about that with them. I don’t think I have it in me to pretend to be fine with being let down because someone decided to get hammered the night before they had plans or they decided they’d rather have dinner with someone else when they had made plans to see me.

I’d definitely keep your net wide for making new friendships. You can tell these friends that being cancelled on for those reasons bothered you and why and see if they recognise their behaviour was poor and apologise and how things are going forwards. Or you can just drop it, accept that you now know they don’t really respect your time or see you as any kind of priority, and treat them as casual friends going forwards that you might see if they make the effort but won’t put effort in yourself.

That’s really poor form on their behalves and while they couldn’t have known that someone else would cancel on you too their cancellations are still really shitty in isolation.

opentooffers I would say I don't see them less, but you're right, I wasn't too bothered about cancellations as I knew we would see each other again soon anyway and was happier generally

thefoundations that made me feel so much better and I know exactly what you mean, feels like the acute stage is nearly over, thankfully!

Thanks again for everyone's replies, monday I kinda do agree these excuses weren't great but on balance I know they do care so will just let them get the first round next time.

Had a nice day in the end, a free music festival in the park (slightly rainy), long walk and an old date from ages ago got in touch and asked me for a friendly drink/ dinner so just on my way there! That was a nice bit of timing

@Withgasoliiiiine I wouldn't dump these friends or start being distant or anything as in general they sound like good friends which is the important thing here. I have a friend who sometimes cancels at the last minute with a usually made up excuse (I've known her so long that I can always tell!😂)... in her case though she just panics and can't face the world even her friends so it's easier to make up an excuse - apparently this is more common than people realise, it's often not because they've got a hectic social life etc at all! People have flaws I guess but it's important to see their good sides but not to the extent of being a complete walk-over either!

Do you have any family nearby to spend an evening with? Otherwise maybe try making new friends when hobby season starts in September? You sound nice so I'm sure people will warm to you!