Help with what to say to kids

[Hopeful22]

Hi all, I wondering if anyone can help. Myself and husband are separating but we will be living together still in out family home until we have enough funds for husband to move out ( which hopefully he will do , as he said he would ) however previous to our separation we would have done a lot of things together the 4 of us along with extended family members. However over last month all that family time has stopped obviously due to the fact that things are very emotional/ difficult/ husband being difficult with moods etc so we have taken to doing things separately with them. The kids are 8 and 6 and have obviously cottoned on to the different dynamic of the family. We are also sleeping in separate rooms aswell , excuse was daddy snores... but I don't want to lie to them anymore , the 8 year old is very suspicious and I feel terrible out and out lying about being sick etc and can't go places etc .. so basically myself and husband have decided it would be best to tell them but I'm not sure how best to say it. Obviously we are not going to go into big detail but something along lines of mummy and daddy are not making each other very happy at the moment and we have decided to separate. ... anyone any tips ? Also how much do we tell them is going to happen in advance or just deal with the day to day.
Thanks for help

Mine were similar ages. We separated into bedrooms and then he moved out a few months later. What worked was giving them solid information, so not speculating too far in advance about what might happen. We said something along the lines of not loving each other in the way we used to and the way that married people are meant to. We love them and that doesn't and won't ever change. Then we only told them about the next part when he found somewhere - so one step behind, he found somewhere but we told them he was looking, so we could manage the information.

You're right, the 8yo in particular may be on to you, so I acknowledged this and said 'you might have noticed we're not as cuddly as we used to be'. Check out Phillipa Perry's book, I bought one for me and one for him!

It's so important to put aside any differences and show them you're listening to them, each other, that they don't need to worry about bringing you two together as you're getting on well in front of them. Also letting them know it's okay to enjoy being with the other parent etc in case there's a feeling of split loyalties.

@Getbehindme
Oh thank you for this. I'm sick at the thoughts of it , there is so many family events happening at the moment and I've had to lie to get out of each and everyone and its killing me. I hate lying to the 8 year old I feel like he will be mad at me when he finds out ...
I know he will have millions of questions but they will centre around , what happened to the dog we were going to get and what about our big holiday to America, both of which won't be happening now ... I suppose honesty is always the best way and we just have to deal with the fall out . Did you guys do any therapy or counselling for the kids ?
Also I was very close with my sister in law and we would have spent a lot of time together with the kids doing things. This has all stopped and will be stopped for the future I don't know how to explain this to them ??

I'm just reading Get Divorced, Be Happy and the sentence I just read says 'two happy separated parents is better than being in the middle of two unhappy ones'.

It's very situation based, although my ex messed up and hurt me terribly, we're amicable and have done things with the extended family. It did mess with all of our heads though as it was too soon, so we have slowly dialed back on those things, but we demonstrate good communication in front of them, we always talk favourably about each other and our families. Is there a reason why the relationship with the SiL has to stop? Fair enough if there is by the way but my point is don't stop it if you think that's what you're meant to do.

Honestly (a version of) is the best policy. I'm not going to tell my kids what their dad did or the he was the reason, because actually we were drifting apart anyways. So we went with we love each other like friends but not like husband and wife.

My 8yo was already anxious so she went to a 5 week course for kids, and my 6yo had a wobble a few months in as things sunk in, the school had been told about the situation so they rang and discussed with us about putting her into their wellbeing programme and it worked wonders. So definitely speak to the school.

@Getbehindme
Thank you for advice. I suppose initially the extended family outings will stop but I would hope in the future things could be different with the sil. Really it's my husband turning them against me and demanding no contact with any if his family etc ... petty stuff but thats the way he is.
I will definitely tell the school and let them know. The 6 year old has a little friend whose parents are separated so I'm.hoping that might help her. The 8 year old will take it hard I fear. His view of what a perfect family are will be ruined. But really we have all been conditioned to a controlling volatile household and life so I'm hoping once we separate properly the kids will see how things were done were not right and that going forward 2 happier parents separate is better than 2 unhappy parents together...
Dh is not being the most amicable, he swings from.being normal ish to being passive aggressive so I've been saying to him to start thinking of kids not how he is feeling . I just don't want the kids to be damaged by this ...

Oh that sounds really tough, and I appreciate that my ex is being a lot easier to work with than that (still a bit of a dick though!).

I'm sure that you and your kids will flourish as you get more freedom. You don't realise just how tense everything is until you're away from it. Do read the Get Divorced Be Happy book, so much of it is ringing true for me. Its daunting but actually things are so much more relaxed now.

And as for him, I think you just have to try and grey rock as much as is practical while you're living together. Modelling the behaviour you want from him like putting the kids at the centre of your decisions.

But at end of the day, you can't control his behaviour so I think in those situations, you make yourself available to your kids, you do the best you can and show them that they can come to you for comfort, safety, love etc.

Yeah absolutely it is so tense. Kids are on summer holidays and every day the tension is unreal especially between me and dh hopefully the kids aren't picking up on too much but I've a knot in my stomach every day and so uneasy wondering what his mood is going to be like. Next week we plan on telling kids and ill just be around for them all the time for them to ask questions etc ... and be as present for them as I can. We have a lot to figure out financially and have signed up to mediation but it's going to be a long road I fear ... I just don't want the kids to get confused by the we are splitting up talk but then he continues to live on the house got god knows how long 🥺

We set up a pattern that was very similar to the pattern we had as a couple and is now our contact pattern. When it was my day to have them we basically behaved like he wasn't around and so he was free to do what he wanted and I just got on with my day. If the kids wanted to jump on his bed I told them no, that it was his day off and only if he said yes. Got a telly in each room etc.

So maybe have a discussion with him about the practicalities - mealtimes, bedtimes, activities.

Kids will want to know that stuff, they want to know how it effects them essentially. They don't yet know how to articulate their feelings so that you'll have to manage on a day to day basis, but practicalities I'd suggest need to be nailed down ready for the talk and their questions (which might not happen at the time, but catch you out while you're driving or putting them to bed!). Make your room a safe haven (for you as much as them) and my ex made his room exciting to be in too.

As your ex is tricky, maybe write it down and review it regularly.

Also , your thoughts on this. My husband wants to say to our kids about our separation that it's our private business , they can talk and ask questions about it to any of the family members but say for example when they go back to school in a few weeks they shouldn't tell their friends. This to me Is asking our kids to keep it a secret almost ? And I don't think that's right , it's almost like it's something to be ashamed of. My husband also doesnt want me to tell any of my friends apart from.one close one ... until everything is finalised ! Which could be a long time away ?! I can't be around my girlfriends and pretend that everything hunky dory ?? 🤷‍♀️

I think if living in the same house is so tricky that is making you ill and you feel pushed into telling the DC, it's time for him to move out, affordable or not. He sounds very controlling. The DC cannot be told to keep it a secret, that's so damaging.

@Catawaul thats what I think its damaging to them ...I'm not suggesting the kids broadcast it to the school yard but they cannot be told to keep it quiet either, they might find solace in chatting about it or I dunno if something came up in class about it. He is controlling . He doesn't realise it or won't believe it. A reason , one of many , I want to separate

He doesn’t get to make these decisions for you.

He also doesn’t get to decide who you see and who you don’t see. Obviously, for family events on his side of the family then it will be reasonable to assume that you will not go. But, if they are aware of the situation and invite you then you get to decide.

Completely agree he can’t tell the children what they can and can’t share. Maybe you could say that daddy doesn’t like talking about it, mummy doesn’t mind and it’s up to them whether they want to tell their friends or not?

That sounds very controlling, he's trying to control the narrative. What do you think he'll be like if you don't do as he's requesting?

The kids need an outlet, chances are they won't say a lot to anyone, but telling them they can't will do way more damage.

You need support too, I didn't shout mine from the rooftops, but I told a very small number and then slowly increased that. I didn't tell everyone everything though, it's just not their business and I don't want it getting back to my kids by loose talk.

That's exactly what I said to him . He's trying to control the narrative , constantly! He turns it around on me making it seem like I'm forcing him into telling people! Which I'm not, its up to him.if he wants to tell his close friends.

We have some shared school frien and it's these he doesn't want knowing. Shame or pride who knows, he's an intense private person. He even said to keep it private until we possibly divorce ?! He's also minimising the friendships I have saying sure they are only girls you meet the odd time for a coffee !!! Which isn't true !

he would be an absolute nightmare to live with it he found out I had told people without his permission.
Glad people agree with what, I assume is a normal perspective on what kids will feel is a big deal and may want to drop it into conversation with their friends in school even to test the water about reactions etc the 8 year old is obviously going through that phase of really being interested in everything and asks a million questions about every topic.
It's only been a month and ideally I would have liked to wait longer to tell them but it's becoming apparent that they are suspicious and it feels wrong to keep it from.them . I suspect dh is holding off maybe in case I change my mind about separating but I've assured him that's not going to happen..