Can you ever be happy with someone who has really hurt you in the past

[applecakes32]

Just that question really, its 2am and I'm having doubts and would just be interested to hear others opinions on if you can make a relationship work after being heartbroken with that person.... I don't want to give too many details away about my specific situation but I'm in a long term relationship with someone and we have a very young child together. Also just to clarify I'm not being abused in any way.

It would depend on what they did. Cheating is unforgivable.

Speaking just for myself, no I couldn't. Once the trust has gone that would be it for me. Sorry you find yourself in a difficult situation.

Younger me would've gone for it. Older me with a child, absolutely no chance

I think you'll have to say what he did instead of making people guess.

Not being nosey but it really is hard to say without knowing what it is

I would base my reply on the degree of hurt caused, not so much on the action, so no, I don't need to know the exact circumstances.

If someone has absolutely devastated you, deliberately, or didn't care, or was so set on a course of action that they were indifferent to the effect on you, then it would be nigh on impossible to go back to being trusting and at ease with them.
Whether you could live with someone on these terms is the issue.

Perhaps it would help to renegotiate the terms of the relationship, redraw the lines, as it were. But it wouldn't be the same.

I could forgive and forget a one off drunken mistake, but anything prolonged or premeditated, no.

It really depends on what it was and what’s been done since to move forward and not repeat the behaviour. Generally i think it can be possible to forgive and move on, but it seems quite rare that people actually do the hard work for forgiveness - like really examine their behaviour, make the changes, really earn the trust back and so on. Mostly what seems to happen is some of the above happens but then it gets treated like it’s all in the past because x amount of time has gone by and everyone should have forgotten by now - like it never happened in the first place. That’s when i think the injured party finds they can’t ‘let go’ as it were.

Thankyou for the responses. It was another woman but he didn't actually sleep with her and he has put in the work to rebuild trust. I didn't go into detail because I think some people will think its nothing but that doesn't matter because it hurt me. Its me that's not putting in the work. I've been told that long term relationships take work and go through ups and downs and that gives me hope, then sometimes I get really down and think it will always be like a cloud hanging over. And then I look at my little baby and think I need to try harder. Thanks again.

Nah sod that. Once the trust is gone, it's gone. You aren't obliged to try, you're not the one who broke it.

No, not when your trust has been broken. I've forgiven DH a fair few times for being a general arsehole at times but cheating? No way.

If someone can hurt you like that, they don't truly love you.

No. I wasted years of my life trying to make it work but I could never truly move past the things that had happened.

I was told it takes two to five years of recovery work to heal a relationship where infidelity has occurred when my other half cheated. But you never get the old relationship back, you are starting anew with someone you know is very capable of deliberately hurting you and being deceitful. In the end I couldn't do it, but I walked away knowing I tried.

Been there done that worn the T-shirt he never admitted anything to me but similar things happened and nothing changed, I left when my kids were 3,1 haven’t looked back.

@SilverRoe

It really depends on what it was and what’s been done since to move forward and not repeat the behaviour. Generally i think it can be possible to forgive and move on, but it seems quite rare that people actually do the hard work for forgiveness - like really examine their behaviour, make the changes, really earn the trust back and so on. Mostly what seems to happen is some of the above happens but then it gets treated like it’s all in the past because x amount of time has gone by and everyone should have forgotten by now - like it never happened in the first place. That’s when i think the injured party finds they can’t ‘let go’ as it were.

I do think relationships can get over heartache but exactly this. I think the person that caused the hurt has to really embrace what they need to do to earn back the trust they destroyed. And there's not a time frame on that.

I never thought I would even consider forgiving after a betrayal but I did. All circumstances are different and I haven't completely let go of it...

Good luck.

With the cheating, no way.

Is there a reason you're not married after all this time together and a child?

When trust is gone that's it.