Support for people living with depressed household

[Mikethenight2good]

That really....I see support groups for the individuals with depression, is there one for people living with people with depression? Anyone to lean and get advice?

It's getting me down and I don't want to live like this. I also don't want to kick someone when they are down. I need a support network to chat with in RL.

Thanks x

When I was in my worst depression I was asked to urge my husband to find his own counsellor to talk things through with as dealing with my illness would have an impact on his own mental health. My husband agreed it might be a good idea but never sought help for himself in the end. Maybe find a counsellor for yourself if necessary?

Thanks, I have been there and tbh at this stage I just want to link in with a bunch of people who are unfortunately in the same boat.
He has done counselling before but not alot has changed.
It is a very lonely place

I have spent the last few weeks trying to find the same and not found anything so am following with interest. I have started counselling myself which helps a bit but it's not the same as a support network. And I can't talk to many people in real life as he wants to keep his situation private.

Same @redlollies - he wants to keep it private but a few people do know but not to the extent.
Selfishly I am tired of supporting him so much with not that much love in return. It's hard to process when you can't talk it out with people in the same boat.

Oh I hear you my DH suffers from depression and low self esteem, it comes and goes but it is very hard to live with and I find it really rubs off on me. We've been married 28 years. I do love him but looking back if I had known how hard it was to live with someone else's depression I would not have married him.

I am tired of walking on egg shells.
Tired of being the emotionally strong one
No love
I am bit tired of it all...

I've name changed for this as I'm in exactly the same position. Our close friends and family know my partner struggles with his mental health, but not to the extent that I see. He has other health issues which make his MH worse as well and that tends to be what people focus on.

It's the not knowing what mood he'll wake up, walking on eggshells to try and support but not knowing how to support. Having to be the one who bears the mental and physical load for everything to keep us going.

I know it's not his fault and he wants to not feel this way and I want to keep supporting him but I have no support myself. I know I could lean on friends and family but I don't want them to change the way the see him by knowing what I do.

I feel very alone and unloved and it's heart breaking.

I'm so sorry you are supporting someone alone. I would really recommend getting some therapy yourself. If the relationship is without love then you may be looking to resolve the question of whether this relationship is working for you

Mind have some information on carers and also a search facility for local carer support groups. My GP also runs a carer support group which you may wish to ask about. Meet Up may also run a peer support group that you could join.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/carers-friends-family-coping-support/support-for-you/#LocalAndPeerSupportForCarers

I was in this situation and like others wish I'd known how hard it is to live with someone with depression.
I felt like as I'd married him I had to stick by him, the not knowing his moods, the walking on eggshells, him not doing anything at weekends because he just slept the whole time.

I left because he kept having emotional affairs to give him an ego boost but once I left I realised how emotionally abusive my marriage was - our husbands depression doesn't have to rule our lives, lots of people live with depression and they don't make their partners suffer.

I'm 3 years out and although I vowed to stay single forever I'm now in a relationship although we won't ever live together.
I knew I'd never date anyone with depression again because its so draining- emotionally and physically.
You dont realise how draining until you are out.
Its amazing what life is like without someone dragging you down.

Please all get counselling and then decide whether this is what you want for the rest of your lives.

Please don't feel like you are being selfish, you really aren't. You always have to be the strong one, the one who deals with problems, who has to think of the other person's needs and emotions before your own. It is exhausting and often with little or no acknowledgement. You'll feel as though noone is looking after you, caring for you, worrying about you.

If you think about it, it makes no sense that you should feel selfish.

Should you DH feel selfish for being depressed? No - he can't help it (so long as he is getting all the help he can of course). So why should you feel selfish for being a victim of the same illness (because you are)? But in the same way, you need to seek all the help you can to improve your situation (and let's face it, if you feel better you'll be in a better situation to help your DH so it's better for everyone).

It is not fair of your DH to say you can't talk to anyone. That isn't his decision to make. He may want to keep his circumstances private, but it is your decision whether you keep your circumstances private, and to stop you doing that he is stopping you get help and support that you desperately need. Please look after your own wellbeing first.

Remember how on a plane you put your own oxygen mask on before helping others around you? That's what you need to do now, or you will drown in the situation and be no use to anyone (sorry, mixing metaphors!)

I understand the need to seek out others in a similar situation, and wish I could signpost you to something. Could your GP help or advise?

Please don't feel bad for feeling bad. You are in a really difficult place, as is your DH. The difference is that you don't have the support that he has, and which you desperately need.

@Mikethenight2good

I am tired of walking on egg shells. Tired of being the emotionally strong one No love I am bit tired of it all...

I have been thinking of you and wondered if you had found anything that helps. This is just so hard and despite counselling myself I feel like I am starting to break.....

I feel like this too. I asked for help and all the suggestions were for him. Therapy and ADs don't seem to be helping and it is indeed very isolating and sometimes scary. I think about leaving him and having a happy life all the time but then I am terrified that if I leave him he'll spiral even more, and the children would be traumatised. Of course, they probably are now in a different way, gosh it's a horrible situation. I'm having therapy and it's making me stronger which means I want to leave more but then the guilt feels too much. All I can say is that I understand and need a support group too.

I think he is going to leave. He is now frustrated with me that I asked him to hold on and get to the medication and start therapy and 6 weeks in it isn't better for him and he is still rotting away. He seems to want a magic wand to fix it all. But this week he has sorted all his things and seems to have packed everything to one place. I also saw him looking at cars to buy.
I am so torn. I know I can't move forward till he makes a decision to either go or to work on getting better.
But I know he is spiralling too and it is getting worse. He hasn't eaten more than one piece of toast a day for weeks and survives on tea and crisps. He had literally about 5k in savings, no job, no friends, no family he can go to and so absolutely no where to go, but clearly being here is not helping him so maybe leaving is the shock he needs to sort himself out. But I know if he finds himself on the streets his history will come back and haunt him and he won't have any chance of getting his mental health back
And I also know how devastated our young child is going to be as they are so close and I can't face what she is going to go through now. What a bloody mess. I just don't understand how we got here and how to get through this, do I just let him do what he feels he needs to do? Or do I really give it everything to try and persuade him he is wrong? I just don't know what is for the best for all of us, I can't see a way though it.

Not currently living with depression but my DM and my DB both have it and I grew up in a household with it and to me I thought everyone was depressed as it was so normalised. I had phases of doom but my depressions were short lived and was due to pmt mainly and I didn’t want Prozac so I just found my own ways to manage it and avoid getting low. But it gets me down being around my family who are negative (DM) and selfish (DB). I feel sorry for my child self tbh and how much joy I missed out on because everyone in my house were miserable and frowning all the time. I’m determined to relieve my DCs from the burden of living with mental illness by being happy and stable. And before I’m flamed for being unsympathetic, I have always been supportive of my family and never complain about the effect their issues have on me.

I chanced upon this thread and it’s been so useful, thank you. Sorry for everyone going though this.
I couldn’t work out why I’m so exhausted and down when my default state is optimism. Today I realised I’m just fed up of hearing the same misery over and over again. I got a bit grumpy which was so the wrong thing - massive row and everything is all my fault apparantly. Taken me ages, but he’s a,ways moaned about every job. Never plans any fun. I’ve stopped planning because I know he’ll say no. And somehow it’s suddenly not fun and I feel sort of foolish, but confused as to why.
Sorry, venting. Maybe it’s ok to be pissed off. Certainly tried being supportive for SO long now. Everything I do is not recognised. And god forbid I should say I’m fed up.! Funnily enough, very nice to know it could be because he’s depressed rather than I’m going mad.
Grumble!

@redlollies and wa how are you getting on ?

What do you get out of the relationship when it's good - is it worth staying in a relationship like this ultimately? Depends on how it is when they are not depressed, how much of the relationship they are depressed etc.