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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What's right?

13 replies

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 07/08/2021 20:34

I can't trust my judgement or see things clearly. I'll try and write in points as it's too much to go through all of it.
3 young kids with nasty emotionally abusive man

Left to a refuge last year, he is a coward and scared him enough to agree to leave amd me and the kids came back to the same town.

He had access a couple of times a week

It worked for a while mostly

He's continually lying almost constantly to get out of having them. Ridiculous lies, forged covid results, pretending to be trapped somewhere, the list is endless. All proven lies.

The children are obviously feeling this as they adore him.

I took legal advice and was told I should stop contact due to the emotional harm being caused and let him take me to court.

I discussed it with him to give him a chance and he was desperate to have them. He never did. He made up another lie

So that was supposed to be his last chance. He's now pulling out all the stops to beg to see them and I'm trained in my head to fall for it but if o do he will do it again won't he?
He did this to me a lot amd now it's like he's doing it to them to get to me.
I do want to believe him for their sake but his behaviour hasn't changed in 10 years so it probably won't now will it?

I don't want to keep them apart but they are being crushed almost every time now. He dotes on them for two hours when he does see them, makes a million promises then without any conscience tells outrageous lies to avoid them.

I should add he continues to shout at me on the phone or at pick up and he allows his new partner to do the same.

I don't believe I'm keeping kids from parents if possible but is it right here? I don't know and everyone here has opinions that don't help because they're all filled with emotion.

OP posts:
category12 · 07/08/2021 20:36

I'd stop contact. it's harming your children.

LIZS · 07/08/2021 20:39

He's had his chance/s. Heed the legal advice. Dc know he lets them down, stop feeding any expectation that this will change. Keep track pf any promises he has failed yo follow up and don't engage.

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 07/08/2021 20:41

That's what the general consensus here is. Hes trying a lot of ways of getting in touch but he's probably manipulating me to get what he wants isnt he.
I hate this I so badly want them to be happy

OP posts:
TerraNovaTwo · 07/08/2021 20:46

I'm surprised social services haven't yet done an investigation. You have a duty to protect your children from immediate and long term emotional harm.

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 07/08/2021 20:47

I don't think they investigate cancelled access Hmm

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 07/08/2021 20:51

Stop contact. Don’t answer his calls. Contact between the two of you by email only so you have a record.

Small children adore their parents generally no matter how badly they treat them. Older children see the reality of the situation.
If you feel you must continue contact do not tell your children when contact is due. Wait and see if he turns up to avoid them fri g crushed

Neveranynamesleft · 07/08/2021 20:57

My opinion isnt filled with emotion, as you put it, and I'm guessing really you dont want anyone's opinion as you already know what to do.
Your children come first. Stop giving in to this loser and letting him run your life. Let him take you to court, get a proper routine for contact put in place and stand up to him.

SecretRedhead · 07/08/2021 21:08

I'm surprised social services haven't yet done an investigation

What the fuck are they supposed to investigate?

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 07/08/2021 21:24

Thankyou @SecretRedhead that's my thoughts as well.
Thanks for replies, I don't tell them anymore when they're supposed to be there but he does. And my son is pretty strong on his days of the week so always knows when it 'should' be.
I appreciate the comments, I wanted to get an objective view that it's the right thing and not feel like I'm being vengeful because I'm not like that.
I'll protect them forever and want to do it the right way

OP posts:
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 19/08/2021 11:33

Hello again.
Everything has been calm, peaceful and nice with the children.
Their dad has been trying to make contact, I admit there were two voicemails saying he was going to turn up at places to see the children but he didn't. After many attempts to make contact I took advice, unblocked him to send a message.
It detailed what would be acceptable in terms of access and behaviour towards me for expample no shouting, no getting his girlfriend to shout, no changing the arrangements, no lying etc.
His reply was that he's getting married in a few weeks and the 'children will be at the wedding'
He ignored the content of the message entirely. Then went on to say his 'barrister' had told him to ask about the wedding first of allHmm
Now I know this is a load of rubbish about the barrister obviously. And I know really he's demonstrating total refusal to do the right thing.
My question is am I wrong if they don't go to the wedding?
It's not from pettiness it's the getting the kids out, polishing them for photos and then putting them away again feeling.
But, should they be there if they want to be?
Everything is calm and nice at the moment, I don't want to risk their happiness

OP posts:
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 19/08/2021 12:45

.

OP posts:
moofolk · 19/08/2021 15:21

Don't do it.

Stick to your guns.

How would he handle them at the wedding? He's hardly going to be able to look after them is he?

Why should they come along just to be sidelined on his special day. He's had his chances and fucked them up.

Not. Your. Problem.

ThanksThanksThanks

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 19/08/2021 19:32

I'm sure that's right, I know it's suiting me not having to deal with him. I'm just trying to make sure I get it right by the children.
I overthink, I worry, I feel guilty all the time.
And I know it's not my fault, my brain is just wired to forgive and believe what that person says.
Years of training probably

OP posts:
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