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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Heartbroken at separating from husband

7 replies

NewMe2021 · 07/08/2021 18:11

I've recently separated from my husband. Together 16 years married 11 years. 2 children 10 and 5. The decision to separate was mines. He has agreed and not challenged at all. We are completely amicable and doing a bird nest childcare arrangement. We have had a sexless marriage for years only having sex once a year or 2 even. The problem with sex was mines but he hasn't challenged for years. I understand that there's more to it in terms of why we got here. His inability to communicate or connect with me (currently going through ADD assessment) I have anxiety and after the birth of our children this got worse. Lots more obviously. Essentially I chose to walk away because I do not feel that way for him and haven't for a long time. I don't feel that can or will ever change. I have had thoughts of being with other men over the years so I do have an interest just not in him. But I am absolutely heartbroken. He's my best friend and an amazing dad. We had a nice life together. I am struggling to cope emotionally. He's not one for emotions and is coping well although I know he would want tor reconcile if I would try. I am so worried about my mental health and considering trying to make things work and force myself to have sex. Deep down though I know there's no going back as I've been thinking more and more about other men and even joined online dating. I've had a bit of counselling that helped at the time but I'm spiraling and just feel devastated. Any words of wisdom to help me get through this horrendous time?

OP posts:
Blossombo · 07/08/2021 23:19

Your situation is almost the same to mine only difference I have one child. I am currently in a very similar position and feel like you, that it may not be worth all the heartache and j could just put up with the sex. But like you I also dream of a better life one that I truely enjoy. I don’t have any advice unfortunately but I do empathise with you.

something2say · 07/08/2021 23:31

Ah no advice, but a huge hug xxxxx you've done it now hey!! And its going to be alright. It's weird now, after the event, the conversation, but itll get better soon x you're doing this for a reason x try to sleep x and journal madly as it really helps, just a word document will do xxx

Wherearemymarbles · 08/08/2021 00:04

Just think that you will both be far happier with other people
Wouldn’t you want your best friend to be happy?

NewMe2021 · 08/08/2021 08:07

@blossombo it is the hardest decision to make. I think the pandemic sealed it for me and the overwhelming feeling of we only get one life. Hugs to you!

@something2say a journal sounds like a fab idea and totally my type of thing. Thank you for suggesting it.

@Wherearemymarbles you are right and this is why I've made this decision. I need to be strong.

Thankyou for replying. I've had a better sleep. Am ditching wine for the forseeable. I have to accept these feelings will be hard and it's going to take time. There's no easy road here. I think having GAD means my journey will be very up and down. I need to get more counselling organised too as I do well when with it.

We are so very amicable which is amazing but almost like nothings changed but everything has at the same time. Especially with birdnesting scenario I'm finding it very hard to detach. I wonder if we need to set boundaries. Any suggestions there?

OP posts:
something2say · 08/08/2021 08:12

Well...

Maybe change bedrooms.
Maybe start going out for a walk or run after dinner.
You certainly can start on your lists of tasks.

Everything has changed yes. I have found it helpful to burn off that anxious energy by working, planning etc. Its like I've a journey to take and it makes no sense to delay it.

What's your situation house wise?

NewMe2021 · 08/08/2021 08:50

@something2say we have a separate flat that we alternate living at when not got kids. We stay in family home when it's our turn with kids. But that does mean no space is really either of ours which I'm struggling with more. I'll be honest I'm wallowing and not trying with keeping myself busy. I've just started a new job. 1st time I've worked in 6 years. So alot of change. I need to be more positive though. Its just so very hard xx

OP posts:
NewMe2021 · 08/08/2021 09:38

It's been the school holidays up here so past 5 weeks has been chaos organising childcare kids clubs around working from home. So he's been here alot. I think I'm struggling with that. Maybe boundaries are needed to be able to detach and for me to cope better Sad

OP posts:
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