I think it's probably over but I'm pregnant.

[Jamtoast7]

DH and I have been married for 8 years. We have a 4yo DS and we are expecting a baby, I'm 28 weeks. Our relationship has struggled the past year, partly due to the stress of the pandemic and partly due to mismatched sex drives (which has always been a problem)

We are amicable but it does feel like we are basically friends right now. I've had a hard pregnancy and I've also been poorly so I haven't felt up to sex for a few weeks. Usually when I "reject" him he will sulk until I feel guilty enough (or awkward enough) to initiate something but this time I really cba and I don't feel like it. I feel like in my heart I know the relationship has run its course and I'm not sure either of us has been happy for a while.

I might get criticism for this, but we were trying for another baby way before the pandemic so just carried on.

Now I don't know what to do for the best. We live in a house that his parents own, and we pay rent on. If I declare that I'd like to separate I'm not sure where I would go. I moved to this area for him so the only people I am close to are his family and friends. Moving to my family's area isn't an option as it's 4/5 hours away. I want my son to continue to spend time with his dad and ofc I want DH close for new baby's arrival.

Do I just drift along for a bit, waiting until new baby arrives to make any drastic changes, or should I do it now?

Any advice is very much welcome, way too emotional for this right now.

Have a conversation with him. Ask him if he's truly happy. Tell him you're not.

It's much more likely that you can separate amicably - if you can't repair your relationship - if you communicate well now.

Do you work op? Do you have your own money?

If not have you looked at what benefits you’d receive?

now might not be the time to make long term decisions, covid/ pregnancy etc, it has all had a major effect. Why not leave it for 6 months or so, then rethink? Does DH know how you feel?

@Bluntness100 yes I work and we have separate accounts for our own spending money but a joint account we both put into for life and bills. We are both low earners however and we do struggle financially. I have no savings or money put aside.

I separated from my husband at 9 weeks with dc2, dc1 was 5.

Why are you unhappy? If its something that can't be fixed for you, you're probably better going now before new baby adds in exhaustion and stress.

I've found it easier to parent 2 children on my own than I ever did with him around as the resentment was gone.

Other things have been trickier, but overall much happier on my own with my now 6yo and 6 month old. I am financially independent (was higher earner) and have family support close though.

Talk to him, see where he is at and consider what you want to do next.

We did have a conversation about it all about 6 weeks ago, so I believe we're on the same page. We kind of agreed to see how it goes. But I think I am starting to see clearly that it isn't working.

Ok then I think it’s time to look at benefits and social housing op,

@bookishtartlet Thanks for this. Did you move far away? and how did the process go if you don't mind me asking - did you physically move out before baby was born?

Just had a look at benefits etc and looks like I could claim about £400 a week, plus my wage of £600 a month. Its do-able. But how would I go about the initial move, does anyone know? I don't have money for a deposit or anything.

Hey jamtoast. I stayed in the marital home and he moved out to a rental when I was 12 weeks. I refused to sell at this point knowing I was going onto maternity pay, he did not like this and told me to get back to work if I couldn't afford to house the kids on maternity.

I tried and tried to keep things amicable, but he was resentful, childish and emotionally abusive the rest of my pregnancy and after she was born. Told me I was breastfeeding to spite him etc. Awful few months. I'd advise you to create your boundaries and stick to them as he walked all over mine and I felt awful most of the time.

He now sees both dc for 9 hours a week over 3 days, and just our older son 2 over nights. He wants 5050 of both of them as of now, but I just can't agree to it. He's disorganised and his house is filthy, he wasn't great when our oldest with a baby and when he would visit the newborn here for contact he would just sit on xbx with the older one and the little one on his shoulder. Nothing of added value, he was disrespectful and rude to me and my family, he's honestly a disgusting excuse of a man.

I'm hoping your experience is better. My daughter is nearly 7 months, I go back to work next week and move into my sole owned property at the end of this month. It does get better.

Thanks for much for sharing @bookishtartlet I'm sorry to hear how rough you've had it, but glad you are in a good place now.

I'm still mulling it all over.

I would do something now rather than after the baby's born. You will be so knackered then you probably won't feel up to making a move/saying anything as easily.

Men who sulk if they don't get sex when they want it are disgusting.

No advice but just wanted to say that @Jamtoast7 living with what’s essentially a teenage boy who won’t talk to you if you won’t put out is so far from acceptable that I don’t know what to say. You (and your kids) deserve way better.