Poor Form from mother with narcissistic tendencies

[GiveMe2PinaColadas]

It's only lately I'm coming to realise that I grew up with my mother narcissistic tendencies. I knew she had some bad attributes and a poor attitude. I knew there was some bad in her. I made excuses for her for so long from the way she was raised in a holy Catholic Ireland to my father who was an alcoholic and a cheat a left her penniless. I knew there was some bad in her but I knew knew how much badness. I have no words for what I am experiencing this weekend.

There was a death within the family. Not within the immediate family but still within the family. Its from her side of the family. I didn't know the person who died very well. I did when I was small but we had different interests and life took us elsewhere and in different ways since we were teenagers. Having said that, we are still related and the death was very tragic.

The funeral aspect is private at at the home. Mom and I were invited to the house. It makes sense to go to the house and pay our respects in person and within a private capacity before the official funeral because on the day of the funeral we probably won't be able to see the coffin or other family members like other aunts and uncles. Going to the house makes sense.

There's nothing wrong with my mom. She's is not sick or ill in any way. In my opinion there's no excuse in the world for us not to go to that funeral. She has pissed about all day long making excuses not to go to the funeral. I'm completely in shock with her attitude about the death of her own niece. What's worse is that my mom was godmother to this niece. She was so young and died by tragic circumstances and she cant even turn up and pay respects in person to her own sister. She's my favourite aunt and I would like to pay my respects to her for the troubles she is experiencing. My mother always wants me to follow in her footsteps so not to make her look bad for not attending. I just think it's so bad that my mother never once tried to console her own sister for the loss she is experiencing. I thought they got on well.

I was trying to make arrangements with my mom for attending the funeral but my mother is making excuses.

How is this narcissistic? Narcissism is making everything all about you. Your mother isn't making it all about her. She just doesn't want to go to the funeral for whatever reason.

Just go alone.

You do you, as they say. If you want to go to the funeral or support your aunt you can, you are your own person and your mum can't stop you.

Has your mum said why she doesn't want to go? What have her excuses been?

It sounds like a very sad situation

She doesn't want to go. She's always doing this. She's always letting me down at the last minute. We were both invited to a wedding together a few years ago. At the last minute she decided she didn't want to go and she left me to scramble to find a +1. She wanted me to turn up and lie for her and tell everyone that she was sick. As if the day was going to be about her and her fake sickness. As if everyone will be asking for her.

It's some sort of an anti social thing. She wasn't always like this. In fact she did my head in since April. She was on the prowl for a party since April. So she has social skills when it comes to it. She's just so soulless to this and let her own sister down in her time of need with her loss. To let me down too because it's not nice to go to a funeral alone.

No, it's not but your family will appreciate you having made the effort, I'm sure. If people ask about your mum you could just say something bland like "She wasn't able to come" and let people make up their own minds about why. Obviously you wouldn't want to lie if they ask if she's okay ...

It's a difficult enough time, I'm sorry for your loss

I think it was an honour to be asked to the private funeral in the house and my mom just turned it down for not only her but for me too. She's showing a complete disrespect towards her sister who is suffering a loss and also me. I didn't know the person well but still I would like to attend and pay my respects in person. My mom is talking about going to the mass part but already she's making excuses to cut it short and avoid the burial. What's worse is she was godmother to the person. She might as well just not bother going. It's piss poor behaviour from her.

So just go? I assume you are a grown up that can attend functions without your mother.
If it is something you feel so strongly about then I'm sure you would rather go alone than miss attending.

Would you like to go to the funeral, GiveMe?

Would you like to stand up to your mum and not have her making decisions for you or is it not worth the repercussions?

@Orgasmagorical I assume you mean me? Not spoken to my parents for ages, don't even know where they live so yep, I'd be going on my own if I wanted to go!

JustGiveMeGin no, sorry, I was being lazy and shortening the OP's name, I hadn't noticed your names were so similar

@Orgasmagorical no worries

Just go alone.
For some reason your mother very anxious about attending. That doesn't make her bad or narcissistic. It will probably appear rude.

You obviously don't like you mother much, so I'd suggest you step back from and connect with your wider family independently.