Nasty partner since becoming pregnant

[flowertot19]

Hi, I don’t usually write in things like this but I’m at a point where I am desperate for some advice as I am too embarrassed to turn to friends. Without going on too much, the backstory is I have a toddler with my partner, and ever since having DS, my partner has been desperate for another child. He is not the best of fathers, but he does go to work 6 days a week to pay our mortgage & bills, so I guess I can’t expect him to do both.

After finally giving into having another child, things have gone down hill drastically. Firstly we decided to sell our two door cars and buy a more expensive bigger car. Unfortunately this car could only go in one of our names, and although we pay half monthly, it made sense to put the car in his name as he is the bread winner. He also has his own van that he mostly uses, and I use the car. Because the car is in his name, he feels as though he can take it away from me whenever he pleases and claims it as his. On occasions he has locked me out of the house and I have had to sleep in the car, whilst being pregnant. This has happened twice in the last couple of weeks. Because he pays the bills, he claims the house as ‘his’. Although we both own it.

Recently he purchased a dog, although I dislike dogs I gave into him because I am soft. The dog has caused nothing but trouble since day one. He is huge, so constantly knocks my toddler over. He has been with us near enough 6 months and he is now around 11 months old but continues to urinate all over the house. A few nights ago I came down stairs and slipped and fell into his urine and ended up taking a trip to the hospital to get baby checked over as we are renovating the house the garden it currently unavailable to use, to it is a case of taking the dog out every hour onto the street, which my partner usually refuses to do. He allows the dog in my bed, to which he ruins as he is smelly & moults terribly, even after discussing this with my partner and crying my eyes out, he does not respect me enough to listen.

He purchases whatever he pleases, the most recent purchase being a motorbike which cost thousands, and now he will be out on that every Saturday all day with his friends. When he comes home, he proceeds to play on his Xbox.

Since becoming pregnant again I have been suffering with severe sickness and fatigue, to which my partner tells me I’m lazy. He refuses to help around the house as he believes it’s a woman’s job, and because I only work 3 times a week it’s down to me to look after our son, and keep on top of everything. Bare in mind, the house has been undergoing renovation for 2 years, so we are living off one level. The kitchen & living room is non existent and by the looks of things he can’t be bothered to finish it 😢

I have very little family, and no where to actually go with my little boy when things go wrong. At the moment it’s a case of keeping my mouth shut or I’ll get thrown out. I’m devastated to be brining another child into this mess 💔

I have spoke to his mother, but she can’t see no wrong in her son so it’s no use 😢 I’m hoping someone can offer some advice as I’m feeling really low right now

Thank you for reading x

They do it because they think it will be too difficult for the woman to leave, she is trapped, so she will accept whatever he chooses to dish out.

You are married, you have rights to assets, income, property, child maintenance. Contact women's aid, either by phone or online and they will advise you. I know they are very busy, but keep trying.
Meanwhile, find and copy every single bit of financial information you can, including payslips, house deeds, mortgage documents, receipts or purchase records for anything you can find, bank statements, credit card statements.
Put your child's birth certificate and your marriage certificate somewhere safe.

What about getting this bastard removed from the house?

Ring Womans aid ASAP
Go to police

Tell them everything.

He should be in jail

Get the poor dog rehomed

He is breaking the law. Forcing your pregnant partner to sleep in the car because the house is ‘yours’. This is coercive behaviour in anyone’s book.

Speak to Woman’s aid. They will help you to work out a plan, including your finances.

Contact the police. I would have him locked up for what he’s done to you. It’s disgusting.

You may not have to leave your home if you don’t want to. If you don’t want to go to the police then contact the charity NCDV who can help you with an injunction.

You do have to leave this relationship to protect yourself and your child. This is not safe.

This is so shocking to read op. My heart breaks for you and your DC. This man is vile. Abusive. Arrogant. Incapable of being a good DP or having a good relationship. A poor father. Dispicable. I don't have the words to describe him. I suspect he saw that you were 'vulnerable' (in so much as no obvious family support) and chose you as his victim.

One thing is for certain - your life, and your DC's lives, will be 1000 times better when you leave him. You are young, and that means you have many many years ahead of you. Years to enjoy your DC, to enjoy single life, to enjoy other relationships - and to find someone who will cherish you and respect you.

You know that he isn't going to get better. At best, this is it for life. At worst (and sadly more likely) he will get worse. And the longer you leave it, the harder it becomes to extracate yourself.

Please please please seek some advice from a solicitor. I think you will be better off than you think. Tell them what you have told us about the house, the car etc. And please seek help asap to get away from this abusive tyrant. You may find some therapy helps. Or confide in your sister or a friend. I know what you mean about the carefully curated life on social media - but honestly, what's more important - the slight embarassement of admitting it wasn't true or staying with an abusive man who will make your DC's lives a misery (and risk them repeating the pattern in their own future relationships)?

If I were your sister or friend I would hate to think you couldn't confide in me, and I would want to help you to move on. With every step you take - whether it's tell someone the truth, seeking legal advice, asking your GP about therapy, talking to Womens Aid - you will be nearer to your future happiness, and you will feel a little bit stronger.

I'm so sorry that you don't have your Mum anymore, and your Dad isn't very much use to you. But please reach out to your sister and to any friends - and be open to making new friends and building your 'family'. Life will be so much easier without that monster, and I think you will get stronger, and blossom and have a lovely life with your DCs.

You deserve so much better than him. You deserve happiness and not living in fear. Be strong and keep safe.

You can get out of this appalling situation.

How pregnant are you OP?

I’m in a similar situation, almost 8 months pregnant with a 2 year old toddler. My husband is similar to yours, the slight difference is that he is great father to our son and he does a lot of work around the house, but just as yours he calls me lazy, and says I’m using the pregnancy as an excuse. The car is also his becouse he paid for it (I don’t drive) so he won’t drive me anywhere else except to the doctors as he says it’s not his problem that I don’t drive and he won’t be giving me any lifts. He also never asks me how I feel (even though I’ve been in absolute hell this pregnancy) as he says pregnancy is a normal state and I wanted it so I shouldn’t complain. I’m telling you this becouse I want you to know you are not alone! It happens to others too and these men are aweful for making us feel this way. I can’t give you any advise becouse I don’t know what to do myself:( but I can only tell you that you aren’t alone and that I hope things somehow work out for you

You deserve so much more than this. You need to speak to Women's Aid and a Solicitor. You need to tell them about being made to sleep in a car whilst pregnant. ABUSE. You will get help and support to leave - please take the opportunity rather thank staying with this selfish, abusive bastard

I worry that without him I won’t have anything in life, the house is both of ours but it really isn’t worth a great deal in the condition it’s in. Plus if I leave, I have no means of transport as the car will legally be his, plus the waiting list for a council house is months. I have a loan in my name that I also took out for him, which he pays. I will not be able to pay this if I leave, so I feel as if I am staying to protect myself and my son from having serious money problems. I am financially dependent on him

You have your Ds, your unborn child, 1/2 the equity from the house, you will be able to get HB and UC, CM and help with childcare

You need out of this toxic environment. I would be calling WA about leaving and going into a refuge until you get yourself sorted.

At the moment you haven’t got anything. Not the other way round.

I wouldn’t stay just because he pays your loan,
You can pay your own loan if you leave and have your own place, your own car. Even your own bed. It doesn’t sound like you even have your own bed atm.

You won’t be homeless.

OP I left an emotionally abusive man at the start of this year and have been pleasantly surprised how much help there is. I work part time and have found UC very generous, 85% of my childcare is covered under it and my local council has given me a huge reduction in council tax too. My disposable income is actually much higher than it was before as I now have complete control over my money and don't have a manchild spending it on beer, gambling and drugs. We rent a nice home, eat good food, are dressed well and can afford lots of nice days out. It isn't a grim tale of poverty. My daughter isn't deprived or missing out at all. She doesn't see her dad because despite all his words to the contrary, he isn't actually interested in being a dad and can't actually be bothered to make an application for access - lots of these men will make all sorts of grand claims about 50/50 access at the start but they don't follow through. We had some involvement with Women's Aid, the police and a few other agencies very briefly at the start and generally they were helpful. You absolutely can get out of this situation. I spent months terrified of the relationship ending but now I'm actually living a free life and enjoying every day. It's full on being a lone parent but so rewarding. One of the main things is just how peaceful and steady life is now without constantly waiting for the next argument or incident. You really can do it.

@endofthelinefinally

You are married, you have rights to assets, income, property, child maintenance. Contact women's aid, either by phone or online and they will advise you. I know they are very busy, but keep trying. Meanwhile, find and copy every single bit of financial information you can, including payslips, house deeds, mortgage documents, receipts or purchase records for anything you can find, bank statements, credit card statements. Put your child's birth certificate and your marriage certificate somewhere safe.

@endofthelinefinally, they are not married.

Oh dear. I missed that. Still, WA can help, but legal advice is still important.

Good god, OP, please, please book an appointment or call your community midwife and tell her what you have told us. If not, contact your health visitor who can also support you.

You need to get away from this man before the abuse escalates and he hurts you or your little one. He is financially and emotionally abusing you and it will get worse, it always does.

Contact women's aid for support, they can help you. www.womensaid.org.uk

Once you separate you can claim universal credit.

Jez op
Wise words on here

These stories helped me rsxape too

He can't get away with this xxxx

LTB

If you really look back i bet he's been abusive for a long time but you have minimised it and put off. This won't get better. Would you be happy if your daughter or friend was in a relationship like this? If you wouldn't accept it for them then don't accept it for yourself.