What would you do if you felt a relationship was impacting on a loved one's parenting?

[Peachdisco]

As a bit of background, I'm pretty close to my sister I'm child free (by choice) but adore my nieces aged 2 and 5. I chip in where I can and see them at least weekly.

To be transparent I don't like my sister's husband. I think he's a shit dad and partner. They're not particularly happy on their relationship. But I think she's basically hanging on while the kids are little as I think it's hard to step back and make decisions in the midst of parenting little children.

I think a good relationship and whether co parenting or not should be about mutual support and working as a team. But he does nothing but detract from her and therefore her capacity to parent or just live. Rather than him being a support it like he's actually a burden.

He's uptight about mess at home. Keeps score on every little domestic task. He's impatient with the children. He can't look after them both on his own. She does all of the mental load and has to manage his wants or needs too. I could go on.

So each to their own choices I suppose. But I'm seeing it starting to have an impact on her mental health and her parenting. She is losing her temper frequently and just exhausted.

I want to support her so I help more with the kids. But I actually feel like what I'm doing is stepping up where her husband isn't. I also feel like if me or my mum looks after them to give her a rest it's like a sticking plaster. As really it her relationship and him being a shit dad which is the cause of being overwhelmed.

So I'm feeling conflicted, do I just continue to do what I can or should I have a potentially hard conversation where I say I think her relationship is impacting her mental health and her parenting.

I also don't want to sound judgemental of her parenting. I've chosen not to have children because of how hard it is. I'm not for a moment saying it's not hard and of course it's normal to get annoyed, just not as much as she is now perhaps. So I'm wondering if you were struggling with small children how would you receive this conversation? I'm thinking possibly not well. So should I just say nothing.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

if that was my sister I would do everything I could to support her. You cant force her to separate but can only hope she will find the strength to do so in the future. All you can do is provide her with support and help her when she needs it. Even if it feels your doing what her DH should be doing.

This is your sister. Talk to her. Come from a place of concern for her, not judgement about any of her choices. Start small - it worries me how tired you get but obviously I can't really understand what it's like being a mum/being you. Are you ok? Just open up the possibility for her to talk to you. Try and go in without preconceived ideas as to what she might need/say/what's going on. Just have a space for her to open up. Start there.

That's a hard one, OP. It's difficult to know what to do when, as an relatively objective outsider, you can see that someone you care about is being treated shittily by their partner.

My first question would be, what do you think your sister thinks? Does she acknowledge that he is behaving badly, or is she in deep denial or genuinely blind to it?

If it is the former, she may appreciate you (delicately) letting her know that you agree with her. She may be thinking she is partially to blame and/or staying in the relationship out of guilt or fear about letting other people down. Knowing you are on her side could give her the confidence she needs to start standing her ground and demanding her partner steps up.

If it is the latter, then obviously you need to tread very very carefully.

Oh and I should add if it was my sister I would be open with her. Although depends on the relationship. I wouldnt be going in being critical about parenting choices but I would ask if she is ok and whether her and DH are on the same page as you feel she seems to be doing everything and appears exhausted...and your worried about her

I would help her even if it was something he should be doing. A lot of men are like that but it is hard to step away from that when the kids are young as you feel you should hold the family together for them.

The hardest part is nearly over as long as she doesn't have more kids.

Be there for her and support her. Let her come to her own decision because if she feels you are criticising her then it's another layer of stress for her. She's much more likely to open up to you if you don't make her defensive imo.

Next thing, you will probably be on here saying she's having another child, and so it continues. Some women never seem to learn from their mistakes 1) choosing the wrong partner 2) having multiple children with them 3) expecting the situation to get better.

Some really good advice thanks. I really wasn't sure how my post would be received.

I think she is aware of how he is. But I don't think she is making that connection with how it makes parenting so much harder. I think she just thinks that's what little children are like

I also think what pp's have said about wanting to keep the family together is very true. And her also feeling yo blame as if she's made the situation.

I've seen this with friends.

The dad is basically a drain rather than a support. The women who've sacked off the bloke are so much happier.

One hasn't, and I have a game with myself to see how long into a phone call I call last without telling her he's a twat.

Ask her honestly what he adds to her life, and would things be easier or harder without him.

It's harder when it's a sister I think. My sister was with someone controlling and I hated him. He hated me too, and blamed me whenever she didn't do what he wanted (obviously if she didn't do what he said, somebody else must be controlling her).

It was awful and I wish I'd bit my tongue more as she didn't come to me when he hit her. There were no kids involved and her DH now is lovely btw.

I'm not saying this will happen to you and your sister, just that I understand there can be valid reasons not to be too blunt.

BUT if you can be honest without being judgemental, please do. She needs to be able to talk to you, so help her work through it.

Good luck

@moofolk I really feel that with him being a drain. Sorry you've seen this in your friend.

I'm also aware of not being judgemental and making her defensive as it does feel like this could push her away when she needs somone.

I think coming at it from the angle of being concerned for her rather than why are you with this dick is best. However she doesn't seem to make the connection with how much of a drain on her life he is. So when I ask about how she's doing she'll say it's hard having small children etc.

I had one like that, too.

He contributed absolutely nothing to my happiness or to fabulist life; in fact he felt was a huge black hole draining the life from me.

I also put a lot of it down to having young kids, at the time & hoped it would get better as they became more independent.

I was also acutely aware that I couldn't afford to support myself & 2 young kids, with nursery fees.

So I took a few years to save up some money, and see if the relationship was worth investing in (it wasn't, as I began to realise what a useless man-child he was).

As soon as my 2nd hit school, I told him it was over. He made our-breakup hellish.

I am so glad that I am no longer going through life with that leach.

@ProseccoThyme I'm glad for you too!

I feel like black hole and leach are really good descriptions of him.

Be there for your sister if you can. Parenting is hard in the best of relationships. Help her so she doesn't feel alone. Help her and she'll soon have strengh and courage to leave.

@mynameisbrian

if that was my sister I would do everything I could to support her. You cant force her to separate but can only hope she will find the strength to do so in the future. All you can do is provide her with support and help her when she needs it. Even if it feels your doing what her DH should be doing.

hat would be my approach if I had a sister.

I’ve been in your sister shoes. I just did not see it. I thought it was me. I thought if I could X or Y better then things would change.

Im not sure anyone telling me I should LTB or that the relationship was impacting the dcs would have helped. I was too deep into the ‘it’s my fault for not being good enough’, if ding excuses/reasons for him and the deep fear of judgement
I think the only things that would have made a difference are

• getting some help withdcs
• being there to talk to me and help me clarify what was going on/emotional support
• counselling so I could work all that out oy own (rather than someone telling me it swim)

Your sister is perhaps hoping things will get better & worried about "breaking up the family".

I guess you could ask a few pointed questions: "is he pulling his weight with family life?" Or comment "It's so much easier when you're a team - is he supporting you at home?'

I think all you can do is acknowledge with her how tough it is with young kids & that you're there for her. She probably realises for herself that things are wrong but changing things feels overwhelming.