Sisters Baby Shower after Miscarriage

[BE2BN2BE]

I lost a baby back in May (would have been my second) my younger sister is pregnant with her first (due in a few weeks) I am very happy for her, she’s wanted this for a long time. But, I feel like I have been very much been pushed into ‘getting over’ my miscarriage quickly and quietly so as to not upset her. I would never have said anything to her to make her worry (plus she was two months further along) but my family seem to have gone “oh that’s sad. Now move on”. I was added to a baby shower WhatsApp group the day after I was given the drugs to induce my miscarriage, the day I was in hospital and found out baby had died my mum sent links to baby clothes to the family group (despite them all knowing what I was going through). There has always been a divide between my siblings and I and through a lot of counselling and growing up (we’re all now in our 30’s) I don’t take things quite as personally anymore and know to remove myself.
Anyway, today is my sisters baby shower and frankly I just feel a bit sad. I won’t let it show and please don’t think I’m not happy for her. It’s more a stark realisation of the loss (again). I won’t mention anything to my mum because I’ll be dubbed a drama queen or trying to spoil things. But does anyone have any tips on how to get through times like these?
I know how lucky I am to have my daughter, I know we can try again. It’s just sometimes the loss of that hope and the plans you had made
Really hit me.

@BE2BN2BE op that is so so hard. I have been in an almost identical situation. It was horrendous and I was an emotional wreck constantly in fear of the next WhatsApp message or talk about my sister and her journey. I don’t think anything really helped other than time. But one thing I would say is that with hindsight people don’t know really how to manage these situations or what to say. It is highly unlikely anything is done with malice, as you probably know yourself. That doesn’t make it easier but perhaps makes you rationalise their insensitive comments at particular times.

In terms of going to the shower I would find that hard too. I would try and focus on the new baby or having this in your mind as a family gathering, try and re frame it a bit. The fact it’s a baby shower doesn’t change the facts of what’s happened and it’s actually just a social event like any other. I actually found when my sister had hers that I didn’t find that bit so hard at all… once they were here they became a person with a name and I could much more easily engage with that and talk about them without feeling the same sadness. I hope that’s the same for you.

I’m sorry. It is so hard. I’m blabbering on as I really wanted to post to show support because my God have I been through similar! I don’t know if any of this waffling has helped but one last thing - you are strong and sometimes we have to accept that we’ve experienced something horrible that others won’t ever properly understand. That is difficult but there are people out there (like me) that get it and hear you. Things will slowly become easier as time goes on.

Oh and also @BE2BN2BE often the things we’ve dreaded aren’t always as bad as they seem. I hope that’s the case for the shower. May is a long way back for most people in general life. For you of course it’s raw. Look after yourself and know you’ve been incredibly strong to get on with the day.

Sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss. Your mum sounds horrendous if I’m honest.
You are very brave and strong to attend the shower and I am shocked at how callous your family have been toward your situation.
For me I would fake a temperature/need to get over test to get out of attending.
I would also pull back from sharing anything with your mum that is serious/personal. If she can’t support you during the crap she doesn’t get enjoy your successes.
Please make sure you are looking after yourself and perhaps contact the relevant charities for support. You have been through a terrible loss and are allowed to grieve however you see fit.

Many years ago, having tried to conceive for several years, I suffered a pregnancy loss about 3 months into my younger sister's first pregnancy. I dreaded the birth but did go to see my nephew 2 days after he was born and just fell in love with him. All my jealousy, resentment, fear of disliking him etc just melted away and I immediately felt much stronger. Her subsequent pregnancies didn't have the same impact on me. I've been there with the putting on a brave face - it does get you through and gradually you'll deal with your loss more easily.