Can I save marriage, my fault

[Lostsoul02]

Prepared to be flamed here and not looking for sympathy. Me and DH been together nearly 25 years since I was 17, him 21. DH discovered few messages on my phone last night between me and old friend/work colleague. He messaged him and then blocked him on my phone, dont know what he said to him. Me and this friend have messaged on and off since start of pandemic, sometimes about life's problems, other times not so innocent. Did go a few months without messaging. Life not been easy the last 18 months. We have 3 dds, eldest who's 13 suffers from anxiety and is currently getting help for self harming and suicidal thoughts. She and DH have a strained relationship at times, he can't accept she is growing up, questioning her sexuality and pushing the boundaries as teens do.My DM suffered a stroke last year then passed away suddenly 5 weeks ago. I don't know why I've behaved like this, knowing it's wrong. Feel I have lost the plot tbh, may have been escapism from reality of lockdowns, my mum being ill and then dying. I just look in the mirror and the person I see isn't me.I suffer from bulimia which has been worse this last year but I've refused to seek help for, have dropped 2 dress sizes. I have apologised and DH wants to move on but I feel awful and now see what a terrible and selfish wife and mum I am

If Dh is happy to just move on, then do it. Yes, you were selfish but it doesn’t sound like you did anything and you were going through an awful time. Don’t stew on the past.

I am sorry for your loss. I dont know what i will do as I am so close to my mother.

Dont be hard on yourself and learn to forgive yourself first. Life does not always go perfect and its a journey. It will bring good and bad both. Carry on moving forward.
This guilt insides you has to go otherwise it will manifest more deeper and can start impacting mental health.

You are not selfish and you have lot on your plate. What happened has happened , no one can change that . There is absolutely no point of spoiling future over past which is long gone .
With your friend you must have found something which helped you in some way and it might be much needed at that point in your life.

Try to talk to your husband and move forward. If he is married to you for 27 years he won't let you go easily, these hiccups happen in relationships and its the not the end of relationship.

All the best

If the roles were reversed here and your DH had been messaging someone else you'd be getting a lot of LTBs. If things have been so difficult for you over the pandemic (and it sounds like they have) to the extent where you have been seeking easy thrills by having an emotional affair, I would prove my commitment to my DH by getting help. Address the low mood and bereavement via counseling, then look into either CBT for bulimia or couples counseling. You're going to have to really invest in changing and rebuilding the trust between yourselves, you've been through a lot and often feel the grass is greener when times get tough.
If you love your DH and your family work on yourself to heal the rift.

I do want to move forward but just hope it isn't going to be dragged up again and again. I caught dh on hook up sites a few years ago when going through bad patch, he was only on them for a week, few messages between him and couple of women. I forgave him and think that's why he is being so easily forgiving of me. Majority of marriage and years together have been great apart from these couple of blips

Just because DH wants to move on doesn’t mean that you have to stay.

Re read my last post and realised it might have sounded a bit harsh. Came back to day well done for talking through things with DH and try to keep talking about it with him. Make plans together on how you will get back on track.

Thank you for going easy on me. The om was an emotional crutch. He did have feelings for me 20 years ago but I was already with dh. I did start to think what if we had got together etc. I bumped into him in on Xmas night out couple of months before he messaged me and he told me he would have married me all those years ago. Do believe if it hadn't been for covid and my mum taking ill and dying this would never have happened.

Apologies, I'm not sure how to reply individually. I dont want to leave the marriage, I just want to get it back on track. I'm struggling to grieve for my mum as I focus on helping my eldest dd with her struggles and feel I'm neglecting my other 2 dds who are 8 and 3. The summer holidays have been long as 8 weeks in Scotland but hope once kids are back I will have more time to get my sbit together basically

One mistake does not make you a bad person. Sometimes when things are tough we make the wrong decision, go down the wrong path and are tempted. Its done now. There is clearly a chemistry with this OM which will lead to nothing but trouble. You must block him on all platforms, walk the other way in the street. There is no such thing as platonic messages/lets just be friends between you-slippery slope.

Your husband wants to move on. Great. The OM was a symptom and now you need to work on the cause. Seek help for your bulimia. Seek counselling so you do have an outlet for all the things you need to say. You are struggling with grief and with helping your daughter. But you have to put on your own oxygen mask first in order to help and support others. You also, by looking after yourself and seeking help and being open about the things you are struggling with are setting her a fantastic example. She will also be worrying about you and know far more then she lets on-if she sees you taking care of yourself it may even ease some of her worries.

Take care. Human beings are flawed and imperfect but we learn and move on. Good people do daft things sometimes.