Dating sensibly and safely as a mother?

[Chikorita]

So some months ago I separated from DP after finding out about some God-awful things that he had done. I had also been experiencing domestic violence, but was so worn down by the relationship that I didn't realise how abnormal things were.

At some point, I would like to have a proper, healthy romantic relationship. However, I don't know the first thing about how to do that, given that ex-dp was the first and only boyfriend that I ever had, so I know nothing about dating. I also worry about getting into a relationship as I have an absolutely delightful little baby who deserves safety and stability, and who I don't want harmed in any way.

So I guess what I'm asking is: How does one meet a nice partner after having been in a domestically abusive relationship? How does one keep things stable for their child at such times (I know it's important to keep your child away from a potential partner until you've known them for months/years, but when do you tell potential partners that you have a child? What role should a serious/long-term partner play in your child's life?)? Realistically I probably won't date for a while, but I guess I want to be prepared in case I do meet someone

You kind of need to get yourself "match-fit" before you entertain the idea of dating.

People who have been in abusive relationships before are like catnip to other abusers, so you need to build a good shark cage. www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

No one is born with a shark cage. A shark cage is a set of ideas and skills that create good boundaries and self-esteem. People with good shark cages will weigh any potential new relationship against how happy they already are. Some of the things that contribute to having a good shark cage include:

- Being raised to believe you’re valuable and important.
- Having adults in your life who model healthy, mutual relationships.
- Being taught from an early age that your body belongs to you and no one can touch it without your permission.
- Believing that you are fundamentally equal to other human beings.
- Knowing how to say “no” effectively.
- Knowing how to tell the difference between interest in you as a person and as an object.
- Trusting your “spidey-sense” when it tells you to turn someone down.

You can try the Freedom Programme and counselling to help you reset your boundaries and make sure you're in the best place possible for starting a relationship.

I don’t know the answers to all your questions but one thing I know for absolute sure is that you have to totally prioritise your dc over any potential relationship- always.

And honestly - don’t trust a stranger to really care about your baby, or prioritise their safety [yep aware I’ll get flamed for that one. Don’t care - more people should think like this]

I am a single parent, and though I do date, I wouldn’t live with someone as I think there’s too high a risk of things going wrong, and I wouldn’t want to destabilise what is a happy home life for DD. I really feel sorry for children who have to deal with blended families and new siblings.

I have introduced my DD to someone I was seeing, but only in a very ‘light’ way, and he never stayed over whilst she was here.

Do the freedom programme. You can do it online
Have a look at female dating strategy - website and on reddit. Read their handbook. They have a lot of good ideas for keeping yourself safe and checking for red flags.

Have your main focus in life be on yourself and your DD. You are what’s important. A man may add value but you need to feel happy and content on your own. That way you are less likely to end up with a wrong un

What stood out for me was that you say Realistically I probably won't date for a while, but I guess I want to be prepared in case I do meet someone which somehow conveys that you don’t see yourself as having agency in life.

If you’re not ready to date it means that you are really likely to attract an unhealthy relationship (he’ll seem great at first, cos don’t they all?), or if you do meet and attract someone good, you are likely to mess it up yourself because you’re not ready to date.

@category12 I appreciate your advice. The situation is just frustrating and humiliating because I am the sort of person who has a 'shark cage' so to speak. I have always been the quite self-assured, and have close-knit family and friends. I'm more than happy to say no (and to say no repeatedly) in the face of people trying to shift my boundaries. I would never have dreamed that this would happen to me, but sometimes life works that way.

It wasn't your typical domestic abuse situation. We were together years before we married (yes, I refer to him as DP because it feels easier somehow), and married years before this all happened. I met all of his family, and he and I weren't intimate until I had spent a good long time vetting and getting to know him. I vetted others before him, but nothing happened there because there were red flags. Heck, I even met DP's exes and got to know them to check for skeletons in the closet.

DP never raised a hand to me or talked down to me, he knew I wouldn't tolerate that. No, he'd just wait until I was unconscious and then harm me, hence I took so long to piece together what was going on. Once I found what I found, he was out within the hour. We'd never broken up before, our relationship had previously seemed pleasant and stable, but I couldn't bear to ever go back knowing what he did to me and others. I won't ever let him near my DS.

Currently I'm reading "The Gift of Fear", and finding it a very helpful read. I'll look into the freedom project. It's just hard at the mo because all of the resources seem to be geared towards mending self esteem and rebuilding ties with family and friends, which aren't as much of an issue for me. I know that what he did was nothing to do with me, that he'd have done it to someone else if it wasn't me. There doesn't seem to be much in the way of resources regarding my particular situation

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow precisely as you said. There's no point having got DS out of that relationship only to harm him with some other relationship, he needs safety and stability. Luckily we live close to family, and will probably indefinitely so that he has the stability of me and all of his relatives that love and care about him. Unless I find someone who, after a couple of years of getting to know, seems like someone that I'd want to marry, I'm not introducing him to anyone, because he's a person and his feelings matter to me.

@SeaShoreGalore that seems like a sensible approach. For me personally I wouldn't get into a relationship that would give DS step-siblings. DS lives with me full-time, and I wouldn't want the instability of there being different people in the house from week to week, or the risk of a partner prioritising other children to his detriment. Chances are I'll keep any relationship I have totally separate from DS unless things get serious after a long time, as he's so lovely and I just don't want to spoil what I have.

I am a fairly self-motivated person. If I want to achieve something then I know that I can make choices that are likely to get me there. That said, life can't be 100% controlled with choices, certain things will happen either way (for example, you can't control the weather, or things like this current pandemic. You can't control who will be present at your workplace, or in your local area ..etc). For me, if I meet someone in passing who seems appropriate, then I would want to explore that possibility

No advice but wanted to say you sound like a great mum and a really strong person.

@mangowithasqueezeoflime thank you

Tbh you sound quite switched on, and the fact that you’re asking the question suggests you value yourself.
I think the mindset that women should have going into any new relationship is that they have a Primary relationship in place already, between them and their children.
I work with vulnerable women with children and what they often have in common is they are searching for a partner to establish that primary relationship with, and once they have that relationship, priorities and decisions are made to reflect that sort of mindset, which often aren’t ideal for the children.
I’m not sure I’ve explained it well, apologies, hungover!

@Whatstheweather thank you for your guidance, I strongly agree. My DS has to be number one, given that I'm a grown adult and he's a little baby

Very well articulated, I hope that you are feeling better soon

Bullet proof contraception

@wizzywig smart point . I'm the boring religious type though, so that's not something I do unless marriage is happening

I guess I wonder what other single mothers' experiences have been like with dating. I also wonder at what point you tell someone that you have a child? When/if I ever do date I don't want to attract pardophiles, but I also don't want to be deceptive either

Do the freedom programme - preferably a guided one if your area has an official domestic violence support group - even if not, neighbouring areas may accept you (eg for shropshire it is www.shropsdas.org.uk/)

Honestly think the above is so important for learning the green flags as well as the red ones

oops www.shropsdas.org.uk/

correct link this time

I'd also say, don't date at all until you have fully completed the freedom programme at very very least

@lubeybooby @category12 @Rainbowqueeen I have found a group, thank you for the recommendation . I want to learn all that I can

What have other single mothers' experiences have been like with dating? I also wonder at what point you tell someone that you have a child? When/if I ever do date I don't want to attract pardophiles, but I also don't want to be deceptive either

@Whatstheweather

Tbh you sound quite switched on, and the fact that you’re asking the question suggests you value yourself. I think the mindset that women should have going into any new relationship is that they have a Primary relationship in place already, between them and their children. I work with vulnerable women with children and what they often have in common is they are searching for a partner to establish that primary relationship with, and once they have that relationship, priorities and decisions are made to reflect that sort of mindset, which often aren’t ideal for the children. I’m not sure I’ve explained it well, apologies, hungover!

@Whatstheweather

I assume you meant to write 'parent' not 'woman' otherwise that's a
Shockingly sexist attitude