He’s sulking - how to move forward.

[Lightisnotwhite]

I am sure this has been done to death but I’m fed up.
We have been together since our forties; both have our own children and houses so stayed living apart. We are now mid 50’s. He has always avoided tricky conversations be it small or large.He has for example completely avoided the conversation when I became pregnant and again when I subsequently miscarried.
I teach and this year has been incredibly difficult. I have had to take on numerous roles above my pay grade as there was no one else to do them. I am a frazzled mess and not ashamed to say I can’t cope.
I have pointed out to him previously (he’s self employed so doesn’t really get it) that the summer break is the biggest perk of teaching and I need to make the most of it. I also need to clear my head space and not have to plan and organise anything.

First week off and my brother and family came to visit for the week. First visit since Covid. This of course involved lots of organising and having them in the house so I couldn’t decompress. DP then tells me he needs to stay with parents for 10 days at the end of the month as their carer is on holiday. No other plans mentioned for the summer.
So for this week and I just booked myself and my DD a night away but didn’t tell DP until the night before. I knew he’d want to come and then it’s effectively me organising a mini break.I just wanted to get away, not worry about the hotel or what he wanted to do. DD is easily pleased so I don’t count her as mental load. I explained this to him. He did a sarky have a nice time.
Anyway we came back to a simple message from him asking for my choice of meal for a wedding we are all going to in September. That’s it, no hope it went well. No plans for anything for the weekend. I messaged him back saying we were home and these were our choices. He replied to clarify who was having pudding or cheese, despite 10+ years of knowing I don’t have a sweet tooth but will always have the cheese board.
Frankly I might just walk away at this point. It was a great couple of days away. Or do you think that I should give a long term relationship the benefit of the doubt as it’s been a difficult year?

If he really is a sulker I would walk away.
It is so manipulative and passive aggressive to sulk and very immature.
So stressful and frustrating for the other partner.

He sounds like a load of joyless hard work. Why continue with it?

I think you can take the high road, and he can take the low road. . . just not the same road.

Never, ever pander to a sulker. I would have binned him off years ago. You don't need that man child for anything, and a partner is supposed to make your life better, not harder and more frustrating.

Do not waste any more of your life than you have already on this man. Sulking is actually an example of emotional abuse.

Does he ever make plans? Or does he always wait for you to do it. And is this new behaviour or how he usually reacts?

If new then I'd be tackling it head in, tell him it's not attractive or acceptable and to snap the hell out of it. However, if this is his usual tactic I'd be walking away, life is too short to spend with someone who thinks this is ok behaviour in an adult relationship

Sulking man child would make run in the opposite direction...
Been there and got the T shirt... He sulked through my 40th celebrations.. He was an exh before I was 41.

He does sulk although I think it’s more because he can’t gauge the situation or find the right words rather than being intentionally abusive. It’s hard to tell though and still difficult to deal with.

Not living together takes the edge off, He knows I can just go out and see my friends if he stays huffy for too long. It’s not attractive to be with a man child though you’re all right.

If I considered my partner a ‘mental load’ I would not be with him.

It doesn't sound like he makes you happy, nor that you feel emotionally supported by him - so what's the point?

DO NOT WALK AWAY-RUN LIKE HELL!

Well I can sort of see his side, can’t you just say to him a bit before you’re going away just you and DD? If he’s a mental load is he the right man for you?

Neither of you are easy to live with, are you?

Massive mixed messages in your OP.

the summer break is the biggest perk of teaching and I need to make the most of it. I also need to clear my head space and not have to plan and organise anything.

So what happens? First week off and my brother and family came to visit for the week. First visit since Covid. This of course involved lots of organising and having them in the house so I couldn’t decompress.

Then DP then tells me he needs to stay with parents for 10 days at the end of the month as their carer is on holiday. No other plans mentioned for the summer.

Doesn't that kinda fit into your plans of having the summer off? No mention of your involvement in having to care for his parents.

So for this week and I just booked myself and my DD a night away but didn’t tell DP until the night before. I knew he’d want to come and then it’s effectively me organising a mini break.

How would you like it if your long term partner went off with only 12 hours notice? What's the difference between organising a night away with your daughter and organising a mini-break?

DD is easily pleased so I don’t count her as mental load. I explained this to him. He did a sarky have a nice time. So you implied he's a mental load. Hmm.

I think both of you would be better walking away. You don't seem to value each other very much.

Sarahlou63

Nothing I could do about my brother. It was the only point they could stay where we were all free. It was just an added week of commitments rather than a break.

DP obviously expects help with his parents although I am at liberty to say no I guess. But clearly he’s planned for them in the calendar yet not planned anything for the time I have off. Bearing in mind I don’t get a choice of time off.

The difference with me organising something for myself is that’s what it is. DD has no expectations of the trip as she’s with me home or away.
If I had invited DP too as a mini break I’d have had to think about whether his needs were being accommodated. It would have been his holiday too.
He could have always organised a night or two away if it was that important. Then the onus is on him to pick a nice hotel, find something to do, places to eat etc.

I do agree there isn’t much we value about each other currently.

You make each other miserable op. Having to hide a holiday from your partner so he can’t come because you know he’ll ruin it is beyond shit. You only get one life, stop wasting it.

I don't "do" sulkers or silent treatment people in any way, shape or form.
I'm glad for you that you don't live together.
I'd keep the relationship but just do my own thing too and not buy in to, or react to the sulks.
Sulking about ONE NIGHT away with your DD is ridiculous.
If he's like this in his 50s he's only going to get worse.

It’s not hiding a holiday I just didn’t invite him. I didn’t think he’d ruin it as such.It’s more not having to think consider what he wants because it would be his night away too IYSWIM?

He knew it was somewhere I wanted to go this summer but obviously not bothered enough to make the effort and book himself. Nor has he booked somewhere else he would like to take me. He’s left me to do it despite the fact I’ve been very honest about not feeling up to planning things.

He’s just a boyfriend, you don’t live together and don’t like each other, there’s no benefit to having him sulking and behaving like a tedious prick, do you not want to enjoy your life? Just dump the boring bloke.

Great you don't live together, makes it much easier to ignore him for weeks on end while you do what you want.

Sulky is highly unattractive and unproductive / manipulative.

That said, I'm struggling to see what you were annoyed about - is it that you think he should have arranged a holiday for you? It's fine not to invite him on a short break you're having with your DD, but why only tell him the night before? That sounds like you were punishing him in some way.

You seem to think that as he's self employed he doesn't understand stress and pressure and should therefore be doing all the organsing when you're on leave (but presumably he doesn't get a few weeks off this summer, so you have more time to plan something?)

I think perhaps I'm trying to understand what the actual problem is - is it that he always sulks (in which case just get rid) or is it that you think he should be making more fuss of you when you've got time off work?