Living Apart Together - forever?

[Midlifeponderer]

I’m really interested in whether this is a valid option for my relationship. I’ve been with DP for 6 years and we’re happy together. We live 50 miles apart and our time has always been weekends and holidays as we both work full time. We’re in our mid 50s and my DD has recently left home, he has no kids.

I suppose I’m now wondering what the future holds. In the early days of our relationship I was quite impatient and wanted to know what our future would be. Even though it wasn’t a real possibility, I guess I wanted to hear from him that he wanted us to live together eventually. Looking back, I can see that this came from my own insecurities, as a result of a previous difficult relationship. On the couple of occasions when the subject has come up, we’ve both said we’d want to live together eventually, but we’ve never worked through the logistics so the subject gets dropped.

However, as time as moved on, I’ve become much more comfortable with the current set up. I enjoy some time to myself. We have lovely holidays together, however I also enjoy coming back to my own place and settling down with my book or a tv programme I enjoy but isn’t his thing.

Has anyone made this set up work as a long term arrangement? I worry we’ll drift on for years and only end up moving in together when one of is getting a bit frail which could then feel like we’ve lived our best years apart.

My partner and I have been living separately for 6 years after both having lived with long-term partners previously. Neither of us have any desire at all to live together, and it's working well for both of us for many of the same reasons you give. There's a tacit acknowledgement that if one of use really feels the need to be with the other for whatever reason, then it's a given that the other will make the time, but we both feel that time apart from the other is necessary in order to keep us both mentally healthy. I believe it's essential to the health of the relationship as well, as I'm yet to experience any of the drudgery, ambivalence toward small talk, or growing resentment of small aspects of my partner's character that I've usually begun to experience by this point in a relationship.

I swore after I left Ex that I'd never share my living space with another human being again, not specifically because they were in any way extra-difficult to live with as an individual, but because it just doesn't work for me. I believe it's extremely important to retain a strong sense of your own individual identity in a long-term relationship, and living together tends to erode a large part of that because there's always resentment when one party wants to do something alone or pursue their own agenda when it doesn't involve the other person. Id' far rather have the time and space to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, without having to consider the other person. I am not, never have been, and never will be an 'us', and I think trying to live that way is totally unhealthy, no matter what people who do will tell you.

Reading with interest. It's a growing set up,I believe. Me and ex still speak daily and I think care deeply for each other, but I think we've struggled to make sense of what a committed relationship looks like for us.

I'm late 40s if something happens to DH my choice would be to live apart from a new partner forever!!!!

Honestly so many advantages.

It sounds perfect to me! I'd love a set up like this. I will never share my home with a man again. Not a chance.

@TheFormidableMrsC

It sounds perfect to me! I'd love a set up like this. I will never share my home with a man again. Not a chance.

I second this sentiment.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX, it sounds like a very similar situation. I agree it does seem to be more common, and if you’re past the having kids stage there isn’t necessarily the incentive to change things. I suppose there’s a financial benefit - costs of one property instead of two - and I worry a bit about the longer term.

I love my own space, and I don't miss the familiarity that comes with sharing the mundane, and the intimate knowledge of somebody else's bathroom habits 😂 I feel a sense of peace in my own home, and I really look forward to seeing my partner and preparing for time with him. Maybe that means he's not Mr Right, but I'm happy with the arrangement we have for now. It's romantic, and sexy, and I can keep a little of the mystery alive which I think helps. I can't imagine wanting to live with somebody ever again. I'm early fifties and my dc have left home.

Sounds ideal. I think I’ll be doing this in the future.

Been with my DP for 15 years, we live apart. I wouldn't change it unless I had to for some reason. As others have said, it stops you getting bored of each other, maintain a bit of mystery, and anticipation about getting together.