Would this bother you?

Aubree17 · 2021-08-06T14:19:51+00:00

I’ve been dating a lovely guy for 6 months. The only problem is he still visits his ex wife as they have a Lab together. When he picks up/drops off the dog they’ll have coffee together and sometimes dinner. No kids, they’ve been separated 2 years. They’ve also gone out in an evening for dinner & drinks and sometimes walk the dog together. I don’t know why but it makes me really uneasy. His response is that they are friends and I won’t alienate him from his “friends”. Would this bother you if your partner did this?

ShippingNews · 06/08/2021 15:24

Considering that they don't have kids together, yes I'd feel as you do. I don't really think you can get divorced and then just go back to being "friends", walking the dog, having dinner / drinks/coffee . They may as well still be married. It would be a red flag to me - I'd move on and find a man who isn't still connected to his ex.

Booboo24 · 06/08/2021 15:26

There are a lot of threads about ex's at the moment and I'm usually in the corner of thinking that you can have a friendship with an ex, but, I think this sounds a bit too cosy, especially given they've not long split up in the great scheme of things. I'd say the cuppa at drop off is OK but not the walks and dinner, that's a bit too much I think.

I have a very easy friendship with my ex husband, he does have a drink when he comes, (he still has a key to be honest but we've been split up for 8 years now and he only ever uses it on school pick up days to collect their stuff I've left for them if i'm at work) we will sometimes nip out together but it's very very rare, this sounds like a regular occurrence?

Whilst I can see he might baulk at feeling like his friendships are being controlled, surely he can see why you feel uneasy?

ClemDanFango · 06/08/2021 15:27

Oh dear OP I think you might unintentionally be the OW. Are you absolutely sure their marriage is over? Does she know about you etc.

Booboo24 · 06/08/2021 15:27

I meant to add that we didn't become friends really for a number of years after we split up as the residual feelings made our interactions really stilted and awkward! It took both of us truly moving on before we managed to get any kind of friendship back

itsapageinthebook · 06/08/2021 15:28

Yes personally I would be bothered just because my own insecurities would leave me anxious if there was feelings more than friends . I would call it a day if this is something you know you cant accept. Hes not going to change and you cant expect him to. This is obviously what he wants to do and each to there own.

TedMullins · 06/08/2021 15:32

It really depends on the nature of the breakup. Was it mutually agreed because they'd just drifted apart/fallen out of love? Or did one instigate it against the other's wishes?

On the surface it sounds like they have a nice friendship and a pleasant, platonic relationship so they can both see the dog. They might not have kids, but a dog is a big deal, he loves the dog and wants to share 'custody' of it, that's not unreasonable.

My initial thought based purely on the information here is that they are actually friends, who don't love each other romantically any more but still enjoy each other's company. I think that's nice. But only you know if you think there's more to it. I was involved with someone who still talked to his wife and it was wildly unhealthy –she'd been physically abusive and was still emotionally manipulating him, and he wasn't over being dumped by her. They'd have long, emotional conversations and it very negatively impacted my relationship with him (not together anymore). Equally, I've been with someone who stayed friends with an ex from a decade ago, and would go to dinner with her and catch up. It was fine, I met her briefly at a party, there was nothing romantic between them at all. Context really is key.

Original poster

Aubree17 · 06/08/2021 15:33

@ClemDanFango

Oh dear OP I think you might unintentionally be the OW. Are you absolutely sure their marriage is over? Does she know about you etc.

She doesn't know he is dating. He seems reluctant to tell her. I'm pretty sure the marriage is over, they definitely live apart. I too have an ex who I'm friends with but I'm sure my relationship with him wouldn't threaten anyone. Their one just still seems very cozy. I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable so it's good to hear other opinions.

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 06/08/2021 15:34

His language choice is very... conflicty. 'You wont alienate me from my friends'. Why on earth would he just to such an accusation and assumption about your persona and intentions.

Someone that words things in such a loaded way...is not hood news.

And yes, the dog thing probably would bother me.

But the bigger issue is that instead of empathising with your reasons for feeling insecure and trying to quell those worries..he jump down your throat. He is not a keeper.

Umberellatheweatha · 06/08/2021 15:35

*good news

Original poster

Aubree17 · 06/08/2021 15:35

@TedMullins

It really depends on the nature of the breakup. Was it mutually agreed because they'd just drifted apart/fallen out of love? Or did one instigate it against the other's wishes?

On the surface it sounds like they have a nice friendship and a pleasant, platonic relationship so they can both see the dog. They might not have kids, but a dog is a big deal, he loves the dog and wants to share 'custody' of it, that's not unreasonable.

My initial thought based purely on the information here is that they are actually friends, who don't love each other romantically any more but still enjoy each other's company. I think that's nice. But only you know if you think there's more to it. I was involved with someone who still talked to his wife and it was wildly unhealthy –she'd been physically abusive and was still emotionally manipulating him, and he wasn't over being dumped by her. They'd have long, emotional conversations and it very negatively impacted my relationship with him (not together anymore). Equally, I've been with someone who stayed friends with an ex from a decade ago, and would go to dinner with her and catch up. It was fine, I met her briefly at a party, there was nothing romantic between them at all. Context really is key.

The dog is a big deal. He loves the dog a lot.

He would describe what you do .... that they grew apart, the marriage had been over a long time but they had managed to retain some kind of friendship from it.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 06/08/2021 15:36

Why does it matter to you what other people would do in your situation? The key to a happy relationship is to follow what makes you happy, and make a distance from things that make you sad.

I don’t know why but it makes me really uneasy

It doesn't matter why. You feel uneasy. For healthy boundaries, do this: tell him calmly that what he's doing makes you feel uneasy. See how his response and subsequent behaviour make you feel. If they make you feel better, then stay. If they make you feel dismissed, then leave.

Don't complicate it with what other people might feel/ do/think/say. Everybody is different. Some people will be ok with it, some won't, and, crucially, there are no rules or guidelines; you are responsible for taking care of you.

Original poster

Aubree17 · 06/08/2021 15:37

@TheFoundations

Why does it matter to you what other people would do in your situation? The key to a happy relationship is to follow what makes you happy, and make a distance from things that make you sad.

I don’t know why but it makes me really uneasy

It doesn't matter why. You feel uneasy. For healthy boundaries, do this: tell him calmly that what he's doing makes you feel uneasy. See how his response and subsequent behaviour make you feel. If they make you feel better, then stay. If they make you feel dismissed, then leave.

Don't complicate it with what other people might feel/ do/think/say. Everybody is different. Some people will be ok with it, some won't, and, crucially, there are no rules or guidelines; you are responsible for taking care of you.

Thank you it's good advice. I just want to check I'm not a complete basket case and unreasonable before doing anything I regret.

OP posts:

womanontheedgeofreason2021 · 06/08/2021 15:39

@Aubree17 why is he reluctant to tell her? What does he think she would do? Screams red flag to me...

TheFoundations · 06/08/2021 15:42

@Aubree17

You are the one, single, individual, lone person on the planet who is responsible for making you happy. So, even if being a basket case is what makes you happy, you have to go ahead and do it.

Anyway, being a basket case with the full force of confidence totally rocks, because we're all a bit basket on the inside from time to time, but only those of us who are made of steel are brave enough to show it outwardly.

In short: Own your feelings. They are valid.

TedMullins · 06/08/2021 15:44

OK, that's dodgy that he won't tell her he's dating. If they're friends this shouldn't be an issue. Ultimately, if you don't like it you can extricate yourself from this situation. Tell him how you feel, but you can't force him to stop seeing her or the dog. I'd want him to tell her he was seeing someone new though, being a secret is far more of a problem than them going for dinner or walking the dog.

ZestyMaximus · 06/08/2021 15:46

I remained good friends with my ex husband for several years before we drifted apart and never had any romantic or sexual encounters together in all the years we were friends after we split up. Both had other relationships during our friendship.

But, after reading that he's not even told her that he's dating -screams- suggests that there's more going on that 'just friends'. Could be that she is wanting more and he doesn't want to hurt her, or it could be that he doesn't want to alienate her if he decides to get back with her. Either way, it's lying by admission, about a rather huge part of his life: you!

6 months is definitely long enough to have talked about you. Quite a bit in fact. Even if not going into deep details.

What are you doing this weekend? Oh, I'm spending it with Aubree17. We're going to xxx place.

Do you want to walk the dog xxx night? Sorry, no, I've made plans with Aubree17. We're watching xxx film. etc etc.

That would be a huge red flag for me.

2catsandhappy · 06/08/2021 15:58

Hang on. You are the secret woman? What happens when you text him while he is with her? Or are you warned not to contact him while he is with her?
This would put my nose out of joint and I think of myself as fairly laid back.