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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice and support really appriciated my heads a mess

6 replies

itsapageinthebook · 06/08/2021 14:36

Myself and my ex share a daughter who is 4 and I have a daughter from a previous relationship. Everything was good for the most part but things started to rapidly deteriorate when my ex began to do abit of soul searching when our child was about 6 months old and we finally split when she was two after alot of arguing and disagreeing about how we was going to live our lives. He had turned into a modern day hippy who had a vegan diet and only wanted to associate himself with like minded people. This meant that he no longer loved me and I wasnt the right person for him anymore, which he let it be known to me time and time again. He also left his well paid amazing career which allowed us to have a good life (my income just about covered the neccesaties). For the first 12 months after we split he barely refused to have any contact with me , I had to witness him looking the happiest I've ever seen with his new found friends while i struggled through life picking up the pieces. I hated his guts , but I also loved him deeply I was traumatised that this was my reality. I just wanted the person I thaught I new back. After being a depressed wreck for 18 months or so I began to pick myself up and I was learning to live with the cards I had been dealt, I was becoming more accepting of my situation instead of it constantly dragging me down.
After 2 years of us being separated he came back on the scene begging for forgiveness , saying he realises his wrong doings and me and the girls are his only future . He claimed he had put his new life behind him and he wants to do everything in his power to look after his family. For a good while I was guarded I was scared to let him close to me because of how hurt i had been I had just about built myself back up and it was going to take alot more than his words to prove to me. But every day he was proving to me he got his career back and began working hard and making me feel loved it wasnt long before all my feelings came rushing back (for a long time I was numb) . It's been 6 months - and now hes distancing himself again weve had a few squabbles and whilst angry hes told me again I'm not what he wants and he doesnt love me but then retracted it when hes calmed down, I feel like the ball is back in his court and hes now deciding what to do with me. It makes me feel worthless. Its messing with my head. I really do love him and I want this to work but I dont know how to make him happy. I wish he had never come back I wish I had never caved in and took him back. I feel worried for my mental health when he eventually leaves me again, i really cant see him staying . I think he wants to want me but in reality he doesnt and that thaught alone is just a huge kick . He talks about our future and marrying me one day and a few days later gives me the cold shoulder , it's like a rollercoaster of emotions. I've tried explaining how I feel but he turns it into a argument everytime and nothing gets resolved.
I dont have anyone to ask for advice I feel like I have exhausted my friends and family with my issues the first time he left me. I just need some support.

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 06/08/2021 14:39

His happiness is not your responsibility.

You say the ball is in his court, so take it back, end the relationship and take control of your own future - and that of your daughters.

SunshineCake · 06/08/2021 14:41

Don't let him back. He's an embarrassment. He saw you doing well without him. How dare you. Then fucked you around just to remind you who is boss. Well it's time to remind him that you are your own boss.

Chocolateemergency · 06/08/2021 14:45

If you know he is going to leave eventually, take control and be the one to make him leave. You don’t need him, you’re better off without him.

MrsBobDylan · 06/08/2021 14:49

@SunshineCake

Don't let him back. He's an embarrassment. He saw you doing well without him. How dare you. Then fucked you around just to remind you who is boss. Well it's time to remind him that you are your own boss.
^ This

He is actively trying to squash you and ruin your life. What a colossal dick he is.

itsapageinthebook · 06/08/2021 15:23

Thank you for your support, I suppose I am in a vulnerable mental state from the trauma of the past few years. But yes I was moving on and he did come back and promise me the world before I got to far i did attempt to stay strong and not take him back i honestly did but hes so persistent . I think the hard part is that hes back to the person I recognised before he done his soul searching and it all went wrong and yet he still doesnt seem to want me . It's really confusing and the whole scenario is difficult to come to terms with.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 06/08/2021 17:42

I really feel for you. When I was younger I let the same guy break my heart a million times and even now if he called I'd want to answer.

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