DP texts from ex

[Yoyo007]

My DP shares a dc with his ex. We've been together 2 years and in that time his relationship with the ex has been tumultuous and volatile. Upon finding out about me the ex kicked off about all and sundry, blocking him for weeks on end, not allowing access to dc. She eventually comes good but it would always only be a matter of time before she found something totally unreasonable to kick off about.

The last instance of this was about 6 months ago and it has been plain sailing since. We believe it is because she has met someone.

However in the last couple months I have noticed her contact has become increasingly more frequent. Constant barrages of texts about nothing to do with dc. They're all upbeat and jokey but from where I'm sitting it is a total contrast to how I've seen her communicate throughout our relationship and I did wonder what the agenda was. It seems bizarre to text your ex about anything other than to do with the dc. I knew it wasn't coming from him and he was just replying nicely to appease her but it still didn't sit well with me. I ended up feeling the need to have a conversation with him that I was really happy things were going smoothly for him but I would just feel a bit better if they kept things only about dc and that if she tried to go off piste if he could maybe take a little longer to reply, or reply only to every second text kinda thing just to send a subtle message. I thought this was a totally reasonable request just to establish some boundaries but I am prepared to be corrected if anyone thinks this wasn't. I should also say that he was acting annoyed to my face about all her texting and was acting as if it were a chore for him and he didn't want her constant communication.

Since then I've often been involved or next to him when they were texting and it hasn't bothered me and we haven't had any further discussions on the topic.

An incident has now happened yesterday and I am feeling really betrayed right now. He sent me a screenshot of part of their conversation which had been about me and was all pleasant enough. When he got home we were chatting about what they had been talking about and he showed me the conversation (we often do this and it wasn't my asking for it - I trust him completely...or did). He made a comment about something she had said and I noticed that wasn't in the thread and I said to him 'No she hasn't said that? have you completely imagined that?' and we had a little laugh about that.

Later we were lying on the couch and for whatever reason it dawned on me that something I had seen in the screenshot was not there when I had read the text thread. I asked him about it. He completely starts bumbling. I asked if he had deleted parts of their conversation. And he was all awkward and 'Oh I must have'. I started to get a little worked up here and asked him why he would do that and what he had deleted. He just sat there like a gaping fish and I left the room. Later he comes down to try explain what he deleted and it was NOTHING that needed to be deleted. It made no sense to delete it. So I fully do not believe him. He bumbled around trying to apologise and making out like he does it for an 'easy life' after our conversation a few weeks ago but I'm sorry, why would you delete a few texts out of an entire huge conversation? I can already see you are talking so why deleting a few texts is it going to make a difference unless they had something I couldn't see in them?

He then admitted he has been doing this for weeks. So rather than respecting my wishes, or even if he was unable to respect my wishes just having another open conversation with me about it, he has instead proceeded to have this friendship of texting everyday and just deleting it behind my back?!! He is now saying he has never had an issue with how much she texts (despite telling me he did).

I'm just so so confused if I am being unreasonable here. Is he between a rock and a hard place and doing it to keep both parties happy or is he being deceitful about the content of the texts?! I feel lied to and betrayed and it just makes me question his integrity. We are so open with each other about everything - no topic is off limits with us. I feel there is the friendship that he leaves there for me to see in case I ask to read it (which has rarely happened) and the friendship that he deletes. I just don't think there is any need to be that familiar with an ex, I really don't.

Further on from this - if he is deleting that kind of thing, what else is he deliberately concealing from me? I'm such an honest person, too honest to my own detriment. So it just doesn't sit well with me that I'm with someone who isn't? I can't tell if it is a major red flag or if it's a little white lie and no one's perfect and his intentions were genuine? Gahhh!

His actions may explain why she blows hot and cold. He could easily be telling her things about you then deleting the evidence.

Yanbu to not trust him. If he won't support you when things are easy then you won't be able to count on him when things are hard. You deserve someone who will at least be honest and admit that he's scared of having boundaries with the ex rather than lie to you so brazenly

…texting all day everyday.

Your P has created quite the smokescreen by constantly complaining about his Ex and showing you their edited conversations. He orchestrated this farce to hide his emotional affair in plain sight.

Yoyo, you will never have a safe, equal or honest relationship with this pretender.

Thanks for all the responses, feeling quite sad about it all now :-( but for those who have agreed it is all a little suspicious you’ve helped me confirm that it’s not just in my head.

For those that have commented I was controlling, I take that on board. I was trying to get to a point where we all felt comfortable, it’s tricky for me to navigate this situation. I’m not an unreasonable person I don’t think and I certainly don’t dictate who he can be friends with. He could have discussed with me but he chose not to and that feels a bit like the nail in the coffin.

If he thought it was controlling he should have said so at the time or tried to come up with a plan of gradually reducing rather than immediate action. That's on him though and if I were you I'd be disappointed that he couldn't talk about this to me - do you have form for getting angry or is this in his head?

He has said he doesn't see an issue with it now and is basically throwing it back on me that I have the problem that I need to get over.

I'd have said to him, Actually, I don't. I don't have to get over anything that I'm unhappy with in a relationship. I can decide to end it instead, which is what I'm currently considering. Please don't think that you get to tell me what I will and won't tolerate in a partner

@MadMadMadamMim

He has said he doesn't see an issue with it now and is basically throwing it back on me that I have the problem that I need to get over.

I'd have said to him, Actually, I don't. I don't have to get over anything that I'm unhappy with in a relationship. I can decide to end it instead, which is what I'm currently considering. Please don't think that you get to tell me what I will and won't tolerate in a partner

yip...

take your time and decide what you think is acceptable .. to you .. in your relationship..

Personally I'd have ended this purely on the basis that the trust is gone 🌸

I think this has been going on longer even than the weeks he's saying and is probably why it all got much easier 6 months ago. She's now getting what she wants, his attention. It really wouldn't surprise me if something is going on properly.

The fact he is showing you the messages and sending you screen shots makes me even more suspicious. He's getting his 'ive always shown you/told you' excuse ready just in case.

I've been through a very similar experience with my DH and his ExP. It took years for him to admit that she was stopping him from seeing DC or refusing to make arrangements if he did not respond to her texts/emails promptly and in a "friendly" enough manner.

Her behaviour followed a bizarre pattern as she often exploded at him, withheld contact for weeks until she calmed down wanted a night out then resumed being inappropriately friendly as though nothing had happened. I warned him it would be better in the long term to set some boundaries but his only concern was that he was able to see his DC as often as possible and he felt the easiest way to achieve this was to keep his ex on-side.

I'm not sure if this is what has been happening with your DP or whether he is actually enjoying the attention from his ex. Either way, it is not good for you that he is continuing in a course of behaviour that is ultimately having a negative affect on your relationship. You cannot control your DP's behaviour but you can choose to leave if this is making you unhappy and he isn't willing to put boundaries in place.

I agree you sound very controlling and I really don't understand this whole thing on here, where two people who have children together aren't allowed to speak.

I have been to hell and back with my dcs dad, there has been police called, no contact with the dc and other things that would generally make two people hate each other, however we are many years down the line and although we do have the odd blow up at each other we get along fairly well.
Our most recent argument was because of his partner who is very insecure, who like yourself asked to see his phone and there was messages on there from me which were very personal, not in a sexual or romantic way, but things about my family and of course other personal things about our dc. She then took it upon herself to call me and tell me I must never call her partner again and speak to him about my family.

We have known each other for 15 years, we grew up in the same area and have the same friends and were friends before we got together.
I don't call him harassing him whilst hes at home, but will send the odd text and speak to him most days and I'll be damned if anyone told me I shouldn't otherwise.

If you don't trust him or you think there is something going on then it's up to you to leave the relationship, because you do not have any right to tell someone who they can and cannot speak to and when they should reply to texts, he may be your partner but you don't own him.

And just to add although I speak to my ex daily, there is absolutely nothing sexual about it, he doesn't want me and I certainly don't want him.

If you don't trust him you should leave now while the relationship is still early, not just for you but for him too. He is always going to have a relationship with his ex and the better it can be, the better it is for his child.

He doesnt have a formal arrangement and as she has made contact difficult before, he's going to want to keep her sweet. When you'd met her, you told him you felt better about everything. That might have left him realising that you were actually quite insecure about their relationship and he didn't want to add to that by revealing everything that was going on. You're not married to him and you have no children, so if he was interested in being with her again, he would just have finished with you. Lying to you has had the inevitable effect of undermining your trust but I suspect he thought he was treading a fine line, trying to show you everything was innocent, but having to delete certain texts that maybe he thought you'd misread.

Ultimately you have to trust him to communicate with his ex in the way he thinks is suitable and not get involved. If you can't do that, you need to end it so he can find someone who will be able to trust him enough to do that.

He’s wrong for lying and I imagine that there is more going on behind the scenes than you are aware of. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were out of the picture they’d get back together.
Conversely I wouldn’t put up with anyone telling me to limit my contact with anyone, regardless of whether they were my ex or not, I’d hate a DP feeling they had the right to tell me what to do.
I reckon for these two reasons you might as well call it a day and move on

If he wanted to continue talking to his ex with the regularity he was, he should have had the conversation with you. Instead he chose to be deceitful and lie to you. Judge people on their action not their words