Relationship Advice Please

[Colin56]

Hello,

I am relatively new to MN so hope this is in the right place.
I wanted to get some opinions on my relationship. Especially interested to hear from anyone who has worked through these issues.

With my wife 21 years. Married for 7, two kids- 14 + 12.
Both self employed so work from home. I'm 48 and she is 49.
Our relationship is pretty good I think, no big conflicts, same page parenting wise, financially OK - not loaded but fine. Kids great, lovely and no issues there.
For context we have had occasional differences around tidiness & cleaning - she tends to be messy and I tend to be ordered and clean - that has been the main flashpoint in the past - however I now recognise that my values are not her values and if I want a clean house doing it myself without being resentful is often the best course of action. It does not matter much to her about the house being clean and if I nag all the time its awful, so I clean and suck it up. I have a clean house so I am happy she does not get nagged so she is happy. A trade off.

The main issue I want to explore is that there is little fun: we do have sex a few times a week - always initiated by me - maybe two or three times but with kids off on holidays and both us of working from home we have to pick our times but sex does happen, we both like it and it is satisfying. There is no closeness though during the day though - no touching, hand holding, kissing, time for both of us just to hang out. I realise that with kids time is short, both my kids compete in a sport at high level and my wife also used to compete so that is her central leisure time focus - weekends etc.

I feel maybe that we are drifting, the sex is holding things together but during the day its just like friends.

Maybe relationships do this? get comfortable, trade offs become more important, sex drives wane. But I really ask 'is this it? I am not sure leaving an essentially happy marriage will make any difference, just hurt my kids, cause financial issues etc. But the closeness, touching and me having to do all the initating makes me feel like I am being needy so often I don't ask - I can see why lots of marraiges break up when kids go to college. I think my wife enjoys sex with me, but maybe never feels the need to ask for it as I always initiate.

We have spoken about this before - she always vows to make more time, do more 'us' stuff, initiate more but I cant help but feel that she is doing it under duress. Her efforts peter out and we return to ground zero.

So whats the best solution - accept it (as I did the cleaning issue)? Maybe its my needs that need to be recalibrated. Talk more? I hear people talk about scheduled date nights and sex times but that seems odd to me- does it work?

I know with our friends I can see most are in the same boat, slightly misfitted and maybe sex not happening and bringing up kids is tough plus work pressure etc . Covid has not helped either!

Thank you for anyone who has read this far! Open to all perspectives.

Sounds like a pretty ordinary relationship to me really, the initial excitement has been replaced by ordinary life stuff, your sex life is still there (maybe not as exciting as expected when younger.. )

I would guess that if you stopped initiating sex it may well stop (did for me and I was younger than you), the only suggestion I can really make is get your own hobbies and be less available and see if the dynamic changes at all,

I’m sure others will along shortly with more better ideas

Maybe try putting activities in in the week which build closeness. Go on a spa trip together or even just a walk on a nice evening whilst the kids are occupied doing other things. Do you date much? Maybe have one night a month where you go out, a nice meal, a few drinks, maybe a film or theatre, whatever floats your boat.

It can be hard in a relationship to keep the spark alive. Maybe she feels the spark is dead too and theres little connection. You should both make a commitment to building this back in as well as a good dose of humour. If you love each other you have nothing to lose.

Best of luck

Thank you @Blindleadingtheblind& @JustAnother0ldMan for that advice. Apreciated.

I’m new too, I’d suggest some joint counselling to try talk through your issues. Though as other posts suggests your relationship sounds normal ish
I think life gets in the way with family, work I’m self employed too. Don’t let them!

It doesn’t sound too unusual especially hard with the covid situation
I think the advice to ‘be less available ‘ is extremely poor advice and will almost certainly lead to a bad outcome
Relationships that are lacking closeness don’t benefit from the individuals putting less in
I think counselling may be your best option if she is agreeable

You sound lovely! Maybe lightened up with the 'talks' which cause her to make vows that she might feel a bit resentful about - humour can go a long way where earnestness trips up. What makes her laugh? Actually, what makes you both laugh, hug and connect naturally? Do more of that