Can’t let go of past trauma - please help

[Cemmy]

Hi everyone,
First time posting - I’m looking for help. I met my now husband 13 years ago. We only saw each other a few times a week for the first year of our relationship as we both worked away and I had two young children from a previous relationship.
He became quite possessive and ended up cutting me off from my male friends. (Female friends and family never an issue).
After about 18 months I began to wonder if something was wrong so did a detailed Google search. It looked to me like he had been married as well. He had been VERY judgemental about the fact I had previously been married and demanded I never spoke to my ex husband (difficult when you hand your kids over).
I confronted him about this and he said no he hadn’t and the name I had found was a cousin. Feeling like he was lying I contacted the person I believed to be his ex wife.
It turned out that he was actually still very much married and to make matters even worse that he had actually married this woman while we were together.
I was broken. The father of my children had left me two years before and now this.
Predictably his wife kicked him out and I refused to have him.
However...he was incredibly persistent and coupled with the fact that I must have still harboured some feelings for him and my kids had already lost one father figure after a while we began a relationship again.
This led to marriage and a child a few years later.
We have also lost a baby which had a bad effect on my mental health - my husband supported me well through this but something still remains...
I just cannot get past what he has done. To his ex wife or me. If he could hide that from from me/her what else can he hide? I have no trust in him at all. His mum is lovely and very much encouraged me to build a relationship back up with him but apart from her nobody else knows what has happened. It’s totally breaking me.
Because we are now 10 years down the line hubby is carrying on a happy life as if everything normal. It’s not normal for me. The whole thing feels like it was yesterday. I’m still traumatised. I have broached this with him and he says ‘just tell me what I can do’. The problem is I don’t know what he can do. I’ve been carrying this nightmare in my own head for a long time and need to talk to someone. I told him I was considering telling my close friend but he said if I did everyone would find out and he’d be ostracised and have to leave me and the kids. I’m drowning here in my own mind.
I don’t want to sleep with him anymore and just want to be quiet and on my own all the time. I’m also very intolerant of any small thing he does (he’s quite lazy) as something inside me says that I’ve taken enough none sense from him already. He also tells lies STILL. Only about small things like having walked the dog when he hasn’t but I keep ramming home that it’s very important to me to have the truth no matter what it is.
Sorry for going on. I know I’ve made my bed and need to lie in it. Can anyone help with how? Thank you if you’ve read this far. X

Im really sorry but this man unless he goes and does serious work on himself is not someone you should invest any trust in. He continues to lie to you about inconsequential things. I assume you still aren't able to talk to male friends. He happily continued a long affair with you whilst married. The problem isn't that you feel traumatised and untrusting, the problem is you think this is a situation where you made your bed and now have to lie in it. The opposite is true, you need to wake up and get out of bed. Listen to your feelings. Really listen

You really need to get professional help with this. It's not clear from your post whether you want to continue in the relationship or if you'd prefer to separate.

Whilst your husband's previous behaviour (and ongoing passing acquaintance with the truth) was/is hurtful to everyone involved, I don't understand what good would come of telling other people what happened 10 years ago. Do you want let the world know what he's really like? Is it for revenge? Is it so you can free yourself without guilt?

You have the absolute right to end your marriage for any reason. But get some help figuring out why the torment is ongoing.

Thank you for taking the time to read. Do you mean I should stand up for myself ? Xx

Actually I think you should speak to close friends you trust about what's going on. You deserve support and you shouldn't be keeping his secrets for him. It's sometimes only when we shine a light on these things that we realise just how screwed up they are.

And what a lot of melodramatic nonsense he's spouting about having to leave if people knew. What utter bollocks. People will go along with whatever you decide, if you decided to stay together they'd accept it, if you part they'll accept it.

He's effectively isolating you from friends by demanding you hide his behaviour and never look for support from anyone but his mother. Of course she encouraged you to stick it out, it's in her interests, not yours.

Honestly, it sounds like you are reaching the end of the road with the marriage. Tell someone who loves you.

You don't have to lie in that bed anymore. You can absolutely get out of the bed if you want to. Any time.

You can change your decision about being in a relationship at any time in your life for any reason. It doesn't have to be that you've finally realised they are a lying, cheating sack of shit that never loved anyone a day in their life. It can simply be, because you are no longer happy in the relationship anymore.

I think its time you decide to make a new life for yourself, without this jerk in it. Start afresh.

Take steps. Reach out to supportive people. Your friend for a start. And speak with organisations such as womens aid and citizens advice to see about things like monetary entitlements and practicalities of separating.

You dont owe anyone a relationship. You do owe yourself a happy life, free from betrayers, abusers and cold hearted fuckers.

Thank you for the kind words everyone. You are all so supportive. It’s so lovely to get this off my chest.
Ideally I don’t want to end my marriage. I want to have a happy marriage and trust him. Unfortunately I am just totally on edge. I don’t want to tell everyone. Just one close friend.

OP, might worthwhile to consider WHY you want to save the marriage. Jot down some reasons and then ask yourself of that list - are they healthy or unhealthy reasons?

So for example:
A healthy reason might be 'this person loves me and show they love me through being a supportive, kind and healthy influence in my life'. Vs an unhealthy reason which might be 'I loved this person once and I'm still hoping that that person I once loved is in there, somewhere. Despite their actions consistently demonstrating that this is not the case. I just need to believe that they are who I thought they were or could be again'

Or, healthy 'the person is a good role model to our child. Kind, caring and empathetic and treats me, their mother with respect' vs 'any father in a child's home life is better than none. Even if the child grows up witnessing this man treating their mother shaudily'.

Extreme examples of course. But really, write out why you want to preserve this relationship and then step back and consider it. Is what you are looking to hold on to actually worth holding on to? Or is it fear or misguided hope or 'sunken cost fallacy' that keeps you from considering ending things?

He wants to brush it all under the carpet. You want the truth.
I can't see how these things are really compatible.
If you don't trust him then I'm not sure you can save it or frankly why you want to.
Maybe you are scared of being alone and don't want to be the one to have to say it's over as you don't want to be the "bad guy."
If all the past is in the open people will wonder why you stayed with him and won't "blame" you for leaving/ending it.
All very understandable reactions but I think you will just be delaying the inevitable.
I agree with a pp who suggested writing a list of the reasons why you think you should try to save it and then examine whether those reasons are coming from a good place or a place of fear.
I wish you all the best.
You only get one life.

You make it sound like your emotions are just an unwanted side effect of trying to live with someone who has abused you.

Your emotions are you. They're the bit of that make you different from everybody else. The fact that x makes you happy and y makes you sad an you simply can't bear even 30 seconds of z... all those little bits of you make you into you.

In dismissing your emotional self (as you are doing; you just want this self to go away and leave you alone), you are abusing yourself. You are refusing to acknowledge your own heart. And in doing so, you will subject yourself to a lifetime of 'I feel bad, but that's just how it is'.

The reason you can't let go of your feelings is because we can't change our feelings. If we could, everybody would choose to love the gym, and we'd all fall in love with the person that it was the best idea to fall in love with. Everybody would choose to hate going down the chocolate/crisps aisle in the shops.

Your heart is trying to defend you from this man, and you are silencing her. She is your core. Your soul. And all you seem to want to say to her is 'Oh, shut up and stop causing a fuss!'

I wonder if this is an attitude that was demonstrated to you by your parents; you must have learned it somewhere.

When someone makes you feel bad, you pull back from them. Don't complicate this simple truth. He is making you feel bad. If he doesn't know, tell him. If he does know, and carries on, leave him.

The reason you can't let go of your feelings is because we can't change our feelings

Yes, of course you can. Feelings are based on thoughts and beliefs; thoughts are 100% random and beliefs can develop and mature based on experiences and attitudes.

@Sarahlou63

The reason you can't let go of your feelings is because we can't change our feelings

Yes, of course you can. Feelings are based on thoughts and beliefs; thoughts are 100% random and beliefs can develop and mature based on experiences and attitudes.

Naive. People have feelings they don't want all the time. Why don't they just change them?

We have to respect our feelings. If we try to dismiss them, we do to ourselves what abusers do to us. We believe ourselves to be dismissable.

Feelings are the only thing that matter. All the worlds riches can't make misery meaningless. Feelings are signposts. They tell us very clearly where to be and where not to be. The difficulties come when we try to change or silence them. They are the definition of what we are, and by changing them, we dismiss our true selves.

*Naive. People have feelings they don't want all the time. Why don't they just change them?

We have to respect our feelings. If we try to dismiss them, we do to ourselves what abusers do to us. We believe ourselves to be dismissable.

Feelings are the only thing that matter. All the worlds riches can't make misery meaningless. Feelings are signposts. They tell us very clearly where to be and where not to be. The difficulties come when we try to change or silence them. They are the definition of what we are, and by changing them, we dismiss our true selves.*

Ahem. That's bollocks. Ever felt scared because there's a noise downstairs at night and then felt relief that it's only the cat? Ever felt convinced the plane is going to crash but it didn't? Ever felt your partner is going to dump you because they were stuttering but then he/she proposed? Etc, etc, etc.

Feelings are a product of our thoughts, filtered through our beliefs. Beliefs are the sum of our experiences, attitudes, upbringing, prejudices, opinions and circumstances. Thoughts are completely random.

Remember the recent thread where the poster felt her partner was stupid because he was trying to heat milk in what she thought was an oven? Her feelings changed when her thought turned out to be false.

@Sarahlou63

Ok then. You don't have to get it.

That nagging voice in your head telling you not to trust him is telling the truth and you should listen to it. Why (and quite honestly how?) would you ever trust someone that has betrayed you like that?

Do you feel he coerced you into continuing the relationship and you just went along with it?

You may end up having an OK marriage if you stay but how could you ever respect him after what he did to you?

You can leave. You do not have to stay, for any reason at all. It doesn't matter if anyone doesn't agree, including your husband. You have the right to make your own choices.

OP
You want to have a happy marriage, but you don't have the right ingredients.
It isn't your inability to ' let go' that is the problem, it is HIS CHARACTER.
Your 'inability to let go' is really your inner voice reminding you that he's a wrong'un

@Cemmy - my apologies for derailing your thread.

You want to have a happy marriage and to trust him. What will it take for you to get to this point? In your OP you say "I just cannot get past what he has done" in the present tense, and that you are carrying the nightmare in your head. If there was a way of processing and dealing with this hurt would this be a solution for you?

I told him I was considering telling my close friend but he said if I did everyone would find out and he’d be ostracised and have to leave me and the kids

OP, is he considering your feelings here? Is he concerning himself about the fact that you're really struggling? Did he suggest anything else that might help you get through this, like seeing a counsellor so that you can talk it out, as you've expressed your need to? Or did your needs get buried under his fear of people knowing what is, in fact, simply the truth about him?

In a way, the fact that he won't 'let' you talk to anyone about it is an indication of the fact that he knows what he did is unforgivable; otherwise he'd expect people to forgive him, not ostracize him.

So he's kind of validating your feelings; he's telling you that in his head, what he did is worth ostracizing him for. And you're feeling like you're ostracizing him.

Is there anything else he won't 'let' you talk about? Why do you allow him to tell you what you're 'allowed' to do? I'm wondering about what was demonstrated to you as you were growing up, about relationships? Did your parents love, respect, listen to each other? Did they love, respect, and listen to you?

Accepting being controlled by a partner as an adult often comes from not being able to validate your own feelings. You feel like your feelings are not valid ('It's just me being silly/over reacting'), so you don't act on them. Then they stuck in your head with no outlet - like you say, it's like drowning in them.

Self validation comes from being taught to recognise and respond appropriately to your feelings throughout childhood. We're not born with this.

The concept of 'changing how you feel' doesn't make sense here, even if it was possible. He lied to you. He traumatised you. You know he lied to his ex wife. He won't allow you to have the outlet you badly need. He still lies now. And you're asking why you can't seem to settle with him.

Isn't it abundantly clear?

Why do you feel you have to stay with him? You don't.