Am I just an ungrateful cow?

[LearningToDo]

Posted in AIBU originally but realised it's probably more appropriate here and not sure how to move it sorry...

I don't know how to feel about this or whether I'm just being horribly ungrateful as I know it's not the worst thing out there.

My husband owns a successful business. He has worked really hard and I'm really proud of what he's achieved. This has also given me the opportunity to spend lots of time with our DC and have a very part time job of a few mornings a week.

The thing is, I feel like my husband talks about nothing but work. It dominates every single aspect of our life. I can handle the working late or working weekends but even when he's here it's all he talks about. I can't remember the last time we had a conversation that didn't somehow turn into something about his business. He's always showing me things that he's doing, bringing new projects home for me to look at etc.. and whilst I know he's proud of what he's doing and I am proud of him as well, sometimes I just feel like saying 'I don't care right now can we just talk about something else!?'

It saddens me sometimes that our DC will be laughing and playing and instead of engaging he'll be looking at something work related on his phone or similar. A lot of the time it's not even necessary, he just likes looking at the stuff they've done that day.

I feel so ungrateful. All of my friends and family tell me how lucky I am. He is kind and good around the house, he is never tight with his money or anything like that and, when he does stop for a minute, is good with DC who adore him too.

But I don't know ... I love him so much but sometimes I just wish we could go back to before he started this when we used to have actual conversations and spend quality time together.

He can have animated and engaged conversation about his work 24/7, but try and talk about anything else and whilst he will feign interest, you can just tell he isn't present.

I am just regularly going out now to see family and friends, because it's the only time I get to actually speak to another adult about something that doesn't involve work. I feel really sad that I just don't find time spent with my husband enjoyable anymore.

Wow, that does sound difficult.

Sorry if I missed this, but have you had a gentle chat with him about it? Some people have very narrow interests, and I'm not sure lockdown has helped because there's been little other novelty or difference to seek out.

If he's otherwise reasonable, a sit down where you say something like "I so admire your passion and commitment and what a success you've created, but sometimes I feel like that side of your life dominates our everyday conversations. I'd love it if we could broaden our conversations to be able to talk about the kids/family life/goals/my hobbies/politics/culture, whatever".

Maybe you'll even need to come up with a signal where you point out to him that there he goes again.

Have you tried that?

And sorry if this comes across as really harsh, but is there a chance he's using the business as a kind of guard against intimacy with you? How is your relationship otherwise? Was it good before? I wonder if he feels safer there than dealing with your marriage. The fact you're now almost avoiding him definitely needs addressing before the gulf between you becomes too big.

I think first things first, establish his intentions. You're missing an older facet of him, and it's impacting your experience of your relationship. Is he feeling that too? Or does he still feel as close to you and appreciate that you support his big passion and life goals? That would be a good starting point to figure out where he stands on the issue, and you can hopefully figure out something from there.

It does sound really really tough OP. I'm sorry. My partner is also lovely but narrow interests and can be quite emotionally distant. It's not easy at all, but I also know he doesn't do it with bad intention. It's just who he is. I'm learning to accept him for who he is and embrace the positives that come with that (greater independence for me!), but it's hard and we're in couples counseling to work on these differences.

@LearningToDo

Posted in AIBU originally but realised it's probably more appropriate here and not sure how to move it sorry...

I don't know how to feel about this or whether I'm just being horribly ungrateful as I know it's not the worst thing out there.

My husband owns a successful business. He has worked really hard and I'm really proud of what he's achieved. This has also given me the opportunity to spend lots of time with our DC and have a very part time job of a few mornings a week.

The thing is, I feel like my husband talks about nothing but work. It dominates every single aspect of our life. I can handle the working late or working weekends but even when he's here it's all he talks about. I can't remember the last time we had a conversation that didn't somehow turn into something about his business. He's always showing me things that he's doing, bringing new projects home for me to look at etc.. and whilst I know he's proud of what he's doing and I am proud of him as well, sometimes I just feel like saying 'I don't care right now can we just talk about something else!?'

It saddens me sometimes that our DC will be laughing and playing and instead of engaging he'll be looking at something work related on his phone or similar. A lot of the time it's not even necessary, he just likes looking at the stuff they've done that day.

I feel so ungrateful. All of my friends and family tell me how lucky I am. He is kind and good around the house, he is never tight with his money or anything like that and, when he does stop for a minute, is good with DC who adore him too.

But I don't know ... I love him so much but sometimes I just wish we could go back to before he started this when we used to have actual conversations and spend quality time together.

He can have animated and engaged conversation about his work 24/7, but try and talk about anything else and whilst he will feign interest, you can just tell he isn't present.

I am just regularly going out now to see family and friends, because it's the only time I get to actually speak to another adult about something that doesn't involve work. I feel really sad that I just don't find time spent with my husband enjoyable anymore.

Does he actually have anything else to talk about in his life? Interests,hobbies ,social interactions?

Talk to him and ask that family time is just that, and that he has to interact with and enjoy his children. Play with them, do things with them, take them for walks,swimming etc. He's not just big company man, he's also a father and a husband and he doesn't get to ignore these roles and responsibilities just because he has a business.

Ok. So do you sit down and have dinner together in the evening? Pick an article out of the newspaper and start talking about that.

What did you use to talk about before? There's a art to conversation thats easily lost if we don't use it. What do you talk to your friends about?

Maybe his brain is just programmed with work and has no space for anything else.

Difficult to stop your cogs spinning.

I would approach this along the lines:

I love your success babe, I am so proud of your businesd and know how hard you work for us but I am getting worried that you are so consumed at the moment that you are missing out on our children's childhoods, they won't be little and cute for long and once this time is gone it's gone. Can we book in once a week for a play date? You'll regret not just being with us as a family when they get older. As I said I know how hard you work and that's great but without a life outside of work what's the point? We love you and miss you when you aren't with us.

See how that goes.

It’s sounds like he’s having a hard time distancing from work and that’s understandable but he’s going to have to carve out some designated space for family time (maybe Sunday afternoons).

No work, no phones, no internet. Total focus on family.

Maybe you could have a phone free date night once a month too?

I think it's quite horrible to be considering yourself 'an ungrateful cow'. Are you always this unpleasant to yourself?

You haven't mentioned in your post about actually broaching the subject with him. It might be that if you put it right (ie not thinking of yourself as a hideous person simply for being dissatisfied with this aspect of your relationship) he'll get it.

Or is it that you think he'll think you're an ungrateful cow?

You're not. You'd rather not talk about his work all the time. Don't put yourself down.