Pregnant, having problems with the dad and don't know what to do

[SaharaFlower]

Hi, I'm not really one for posting on forums, but I need some advice and I don't know where else for that.

I'm 12 weeks pregnant after my contraception falling out of place, with a man I've known since I was a teenager. To start with, he was pushing me to have an abortion. After a couple of days, he said to keep the pregnancy, we should become married and lots of crazy things like that, especially as we aren't together. Now, a few weeks later, he's saying either we do it together or he'll have no part and just provide money for me.

I'm 28 and I already have 2 children, which is why I'm having problems because he doesn't know what he wants and is entirely inconsistent. He also already has a child, he split from his ex wife last year, her and the daughter returned to Sweden. He wasn't able to see his daughter until recently, now he's actually staying with the ex wife giving me lots of excuses. He was on the phone telling me that he is being supportive by sending money and that his daughter comes first. I explained to him that I am pregnant to him and that it won't just be his daughter soon.

Tonight, he sent me a text telling me that unless I commit to him, then it isn't going anywhere. He said that he doesn't want involvement with my children unless I marry him and be a family. I told him that although I've known him since 13, it doesn't mean it's a wise decision to jump into a marriage. It's crazy and I think he wants me to say no, because then he doesn't feel responsible. Also, during those years, he quickly got into a marriage with his ex wife, not knowing much about her and moving between countries. For clarity, his family and ex wife are in Sweden.

Now, I feel like things are really in a mess. I have 2 children already and I don't feel I can add more without the support, as it's really difficult enough. I'm financially in a bad situation. We don't have a stable living situation. I only have 1 friend for support and she isn't close by.

I don't feel I have any options, because I don't feel comfortable with the idea of ever aborting again. I still feel awful for doing that. My son knows what's going on. My daughter is a young baby.

I'm really sorry for the rant.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. If I were you, I would be having a termination and blocking this nutter completely out of my life. Your biggest concern should be for the needs of your existing children.

I know it's the most sensible thing to do that, I just feel so bad about that idea. I don't know how I'd explain to my son either, as there isn't anyone else to look after him.

Also, I'm sorry if parts of my post don't make sense. English isn't my first language and I'm very stressed.

I would assume there will be no support here and make your decision
If you can’t support your child/other children and don’t feel comfortable with an abortion you could consider adoption?

But certainly this man is not stable or reliable and I wouldn’t be making any decisions based on his whims

I also would not be getting into a relationship with him.

Can you sit down and plan your finances, plan how you could get by if you had another child - could you move closer to friends/family or build a support network where you are? Can you work? Is there anything you can do to make this work - if you want it to

If you don’t want it too that’s ok too

@SaharaFlower

I know it's the most sensible thing to do that, I just feel so bad about that idea. I don't know how I'd explain to my son either, as there isn't anyone else to look after him.

Sahara, I'm so sorry you are in this distressing situation.

If you are twelve weeks by date you can have a termination if you are sure you do not want this baby. It does sound as though you would be going it alone anyway and you have two children already.

All your son needs to know is that you lost the baby, he does not have to be told you terminated. It's entirely your business. If you need to go into hospital/clinic for a day and a night, tell him there may be a small problem with your pregnancy but reassure him you'll be in safe hands.

However the decision is yours and I realise it's not an easy one for anyone. You also have to act pretty quickly too.

All the very best wishes in the world.

It's not that I don't want the pregnancy, it's that my life isn't in such a stable place right now and I don't know whether it's fair for my children that I already have. I wish things were different and I could be happy when I think about being pregnant. I just know it will be so difficult in every way. With my other 2, I'm entirely on my own and my baby, she has her own medical needs.

I accept this is entirely my fault here, I didn't expect the contraception to not be effective. More care should have been taken. I shouldn't have slept with the dad. I feel so horrible and guilty that I've put myself in this situation, I keep crying whenever I think about abortion. I've done that before and I felt really bad about that.

As for financial planning, I can't explain fully without going into a lot of boring detail, but I'm not in the situation at the moment. Hopefully, in the future, things will be more positive, I can get a job and a stable home for the children. But that's not what it is right now. The dad sends me money to help a bit, but he thinks that's support.

As for support networks, I just have the 1 friend. The only family I have don't want to know me, due to the circumstances I was pregnant with my son and are in another country. The friend I do have is nice, but I don't want to burden her too much.

Sorry again for the rant

You don't want a termination, so dont. You sound like a strong woman and we cope. I have 3 on my own too.. follow your heart and make the best you can

SaharaFlower: I accept this is entirely my fault here.
...
No, it is not entirely your fault. You didn't become pregnant on your own. Even with contraception there is always a risk.

Your current situation doesn't sound too good frankly. Weigh things up carefully before you make a decision and don't let anyone else push you into anything. However, from what you say, it does sound as though the man will not be around for you and your baby.

Good luck.

Whatever you do, don't get back with thus nutcase. He only wants to marry you so he can trap you and treat you like shit forever.

If it were me I would terminate and block this horror of a man. But if you want the baby then do it single. Maybe move to a different country like his last ex. She had the right idea back then. Nasty, controlling manipulative bullies like him should have no part in your life. A child deserves a healthy, happy mother who takes no shit from bullies.

Thank you to everyone.

I told him, in a way that's firm, I won't be marrying him and I'm not interested if he's involved or not. He replied that he's still in love with his ex wife anyway and he wasn't really intended on marrying me, because I'm only worth having sex with! He said he's happy to send money every week, he's discussed that with the ex wife and that they both agree that's best to keep me away.Followed by further demeaning comments about my 'value'. I didn't reply to that.

I don't know why he makes me feel so rejected. My little daughter's dad isn't any better. I feel so bad for making those bad relationship decisions. The children and I deserve more than being treated like we are worthless.

Maybe I'm just being too anxious about everything, I don't think I could live with another abortion. It doesn't feel like the right thing, but I don't want to make it harder for my other children. I already feel sort of attached and then I think is it right to add more into the world, during the struggle? I don't know. Sorry. Ranting again.

Well for what it's worth op, I think your awesome. It takes a brave and strong person to say no to bullies like him.

And people like him only want to trample on shiny people. Because he is jealous. He will never know kindness or compassion or how to share the joys of others. And because you're a decent human being who can do those things, he cant stand it. You're shiny. Shiny and brave and awesome.

So fuck him and his noise. Because that's all he is. A noisy fart in an empty tin can.

Seeing from his side, he’s already been through the upheaval of a child he doesn’t see often and the pain that can bring.

I can kind of see why he doesn’t want the same thing again, especially if he will feel torn between two countries with a child in each. If his situation is two children and two exes in different countries with him flitting between them, always feeling torn but never being able to settle with either, I can understand why he wants a firm commitment from you that it’s not just a coparenting arrangement, but something concrete for him to build a life with you in this country and visit his other child from a stable base here.

You say your contraceptive failed, so it’s not like he’s going around creating babies with no regard for the consequences - like you, he was caught out when he thought it was safe. Until it fails most people presume contraceptives mean no babies! So while it’s not all your fault, it doesn’t sound like it’s his either, just one of those things. In an ideal world you’d have discussed doubling up on contraceptives if either of you were dead set against having more children. But you didn’t and so you are where you are.

Although it seems unfair and you’re hoping for his support, tbh financial support is the most important thing here. If you need physical and emotional support too then you need to build a network of friends and family for that, not rely on someone who isn’t really even an ex, just someone you slept with. Coparenting is hard enough without doing it with someone who’s reluctant to even be a parent in the first place.

Ok the update doesn’t cover him in glory! In that case you clearly don’t have a choice in the matter either way, so make sure he’s paying his way and sort your contraception out so that the next unsuitable guy you meet doesn’t have such a big impact on your life!

How old is your son and why did he know so early on in your pregnancy that you're expecting? It seems like a big thing to have told a little person.

You should do what is right for you, it's always your choice 100%. I personally wouldn't want to be tied to that man for another 18 years and would terminate but I completely understand if you don't feel able to or don't want to.

He replied that he's still in love with his ex wife anyway and he wasn't really intended on marrying me, because I'm only worth having sex with!

What a nasty bastard he is!

You are amazing OP

Thank you for the lovely support

Shitshop : For him, I understand it's not an ideal situation. I know that he was really missing his daughter and he didn't get to see her for a long time. It's also not something I can influence. But that doesn't mean that we should jump into a marriage right away, because that's crazy. Then being horrible when I defend myself in the nonsense. I thought that my contraception was going to be ok, or would have used the pill.

Youvegotten : my son is 14 and he came into the bathroom when I had the test on the sink top. Before the further question, I was 14 when he was born. It can be quite difficult to keep him out of my personal business, as he has an opinion on everything.

Bless you going through a pregnancy and birth at 14, I can't even imagine. You're obviously made of tough stuff and are very brave. I'm sorry life has dealt you another tough hand and I really hope whatever you decide that things start looking up

I'd also terminate if it were me.

Whether you do or don't I feel you could benefit from some counselling or therapy to explore relationships. You had a baby when you were quite young and you slept with this man who comes across as a bit of a twat.

What sort of relationships do you tend to have with men? Do you think you chose healthily? Maybe worth having a long break and thinking about the sort of man you really want in your life.

It sounds to me like you need to get this man out of yours and your children’s lives.
I would also terminate in your situation, but only you can decide.

Sixes: Not very good relationships. I was with my big ex for 10 years. Then a short relationship with my daughter's dad, he was all for me until he left and insulted me for the country that I'm from (originally). Then keeps texting me asking how our baby is doing, but nothing else. I still feel for him, so wanted to keep it simple with adult company elsewhere. This dad, I've known for a long time. We were friends when I was a teenager.

I've not been brave enough to get counselling yet. I don't know where I could start with it. I'm bad with ranting, as you see.

Do you think you might benefit from a break from men? It can be so empowering, and once you've had that break, if you want to go back into dating it may help knowing that you're perfectly fine without them

I'm not planning being with anyone else, at this moment. I secretly hope that what went wrong with my daughter's dad can be fixed, but I don't think so. That was the only good one, when together. It's not going to happen though.

I would honestly have a termination and concentrate on the kids you have. Another baby in this very messy situation without a stable place to live is madness. Hope you are ok xx

I would keep the baby, I don't feel good about a termination too. It will be tough at the beginning, you have done a great job raising your 2 kids, you are such a strong mama. If you have a church nearby, try and attend it, you can build your own support system.

Coolhand: thank you