Think I’m being gaslit?

[GLsuspect]

I am so confused about what to do. I have been in a relatively LTR and we live together. There are some kids too.

But I am becoming more and more aware that I think i am being gaslit. It’s just happened again tonight. We’ve had a fall out about something stupid, DP had an attitude problem about something and I’ve challenged that as I had my own issues with what was being said.

I’ve tried to resolve it by saying my piece and asked DP to listen to me. And their response has been ‘it’s all made up’ and that they ‘stopped listening after a few minutes’. I have told them to give me a specific example of what exactly is made up, they can’t obviously just stating ‘everything’. Because none of it is. It’s all factual and I know that I am right on what I’ve said. I’ve not said anything out of turn or wrong but stated some facts and why some of what they’ve said to me is out of order.

DP can never be wrong, it’s always all me. Anything I dare say is portrayed as moaning, but then they will say jf you have something to say speak to me about it properly. Guess what, just tried that again, and get childish comments in return and told I’m making stuff up that’s virtually impossible to make up.

I’m now fuming and tbh I just can’t be bothered anymore. It’s so frustrating as outside of this, we have a great time and a loving relationship. But this inability to ever be in the wrong or unreasonable without it somehow being my fault is really getting me tired now.

Write it all down. What he says and what you say to challenge. So you can keep track of it even if just in your own head.

Tbh if it was my relationship id be tempted to print off the definition of gaslighting and hand it to him next time but that can sometimes enrage people so you have to figure out how far you can go with him. I'd even record them.

But again, recording depends on the man as you shouldn't put yourself in danger.

If you don't have children together I'd call it a day. Gaslighters don't change. They usually learn it very young from a parent.

I do often write things down, which is why I know for a fact I’m not making stuff up. He will still remain adamant. But when called out, just get defensive or start with the ‘you are moaning’ etc. He does not like to be caught out.

We don’t have any children together, but there are children who would be upset by a split. If it wasn’t for them I think it’s likely I would have called it a day already to be honest. But I’m getting to the point now where I just think maybe that’s best overall anyway.

It’s hard as lots of it is so good and I haven’t been this happy in a long time, outside of this. But I just can’t see a resolution, and my attempts to find one are squashed.

If you're at the point in your relationship where you have resorted to writing things down, it should be over, it's turned toxic.

Why would you want to be with someone who makes you question your recall and your sanity?

Relationships should make you HAPPY. Are you happy?

Takenoprisoner

If you're at the point in your relationship where you have resorted to writing things down, it should be over, it's turned toxic.

This, exactly this.
He won’t change and he won’t ever accept he’s in the wrong. When you defend yourself he will take what you say and twist it. It’s most likely he’s also passive aggressive, does he make every innocent statement a dig at him, which is done to shut you up.
If you want a relaxed and happy life, where you feel listened to and valued, this isn’t the one for you

I couldn't live with someone like that. I feel for you, this must be so very frustrating. You say he is otherwise loving, but I honestly can't see how anyone could treat the person they love like that. It's manipulative, highly disrespectful but also shows a really unattractive lack of intelligence / self-awareness, and a deep insecurity of he can never be wrong.

It won't get better, and you'll drive yourself mad trying to prove to him that you are telling the truth (which by the way he knows full well already - it just suits him to convince you otherwise). You deserve better. You deserve to be with someone who listens to your concerns, takes responsibility for their own actions and respects you.

I don't see how you say you have a happy time apart from it. Doesn't it impinge on other aspects? Surely it's hard to along with someone in general if they are bringing you down? Do you mean it's all nice for as long as he's not gaslighting, in which case you may find yourself moderating yourself to avoid it happening? Imagine a long life ahead of managing his behaviour for a quiet life, that would be tedious and tiring and breed huge resentment.

It’s really difficult to explain, but generally we do have a nice time together and usually I am happy. It’s purely when something comes up that we disagree on, or arguments but they are always over stupid silly little things. Nothing major.

His version of this story would place me in the wrong. And I am not denying that sometimes I can’t leave things that probably could be left, and I can go on about things.

But then I also think my ‘going on’ is done in response to his gaslighting.

The more I imagine constantly doing this whenever anything we disagree on comes up, the more I just think I’d be better on my own.

It’s just hard to walk away from something that seems like despite this issue would be a happy life. But it’s not going to change is it?

I wish he would listen and it could be resolved, but he doesn’t think he’s wrong at all, so he’s not going to because as far as he is concerned, it’s all me. So it can’t be sorted.

Pretty sure single life is the way for me. I have got no energy left to take on anyone else. And I just feel like a failure at relationships. It is hard as I am pretty much an ‘independent woman’ without meaning to sound indulgent, I know I have a lot to offer, I work hard in a good job, I am caring and I am capable of doing most things alone or sorting things by myself, I have my own home/car etc. I do not need anyone, but I would like someone.
I thought this would make it easier to be with someone, as I was determined not to end up in a relationship the same as my last one where everything falls to me because of being capable so I have set some clear boundaries, but it seems that wasn’t the answer either.

I just can’t take being made out to be always wrong and be told I’m making things up which I know for a fact I am not doing. Dismissing my feelings and even going as far as saying he isn’t interested in how I feel about things cause it’s all made up. Blergh

Seriously, why are you staying in this relationship. He clearly can't be bothered communicating like an adult. Are you waiting for him to change? It's time to cut your losses, he's utterly ridiculous

This suspicion wouldn't come up in a relationship worth staying in. Whether he is gaslighting or not, the very consideration of the question indicates that you don't trust him to listen to you, or have your feelings and best interests at heart.

Don't torture yourself with the is he/isn't he thing, and all the details, and all the certainty, and all the things he says and all the things you say etc.

Understand that a healthy relationship would not feel like this. Understand that the only boundary you need to set is this: You tell the person once that you don't like how you feel when they do x. If they continue doing x, when they know it makes you feel bad, you distance yourself from them. That's it. That's boundaries.

So, applied to this situation, you've told him how you feel, he's dismissed it and carried on. You need to step away.

It’s just hard to walk away from something that seems like despite this issue would be a happy life. But it’s not going to change is it

It's a bit like 'The house is on fire but it's so hard to get out because I really like the furniture'.

The very basis of the thing is busted. You don't trust him to be loving to you. Anybody can have fun together sometimes. I read recently that Hitler was quite a nice, funny bloke to have a chat with. But continuing to spend time with Hitler would be rather missing the point about him.

I'm not suggesting that your partner is anything like Hitler, but I'm sure you get my point.

Pretty sure single life is the way for me. I have got no energy left to take on anyone else

You don't need energy to take someone on. It's not a fight. With the right person, you will feel more supported, not less. This approach to relationships explains why you are where you are, though.

"We don’t have any children together, but there are children who would be upset by a split. If it wasn’t for them I think it’s likely I would have called it a day already to be honest. But I’m getting to the point now where I just think maybe that’s best overall anyway."

They might be less upset than you think they'll be. And living in a house where one of the adults is rightly unhappy with the behaviour of the other - well, how will that be impacting them already? Splitting might make them feel more secure, and it will certainly model better behaviour to them for their own future relationships. What I'm saying is - don't stay in an unsatisfactory relationship "for the sake of the children". It doesn't work for the children and it doesn't work for the adults.

"It’s just hard to walk away from something that seems like despite this issue would be a happy life. But it’s not going to change is it"
I think @TheFoundations response hit the nail on the head here- "It's a bit like 'The house is on fire but it's so hard to get out because I really like the furniture'."

Maybe it would be a happy life without this issue - but this relationship is NEVER going to be without this issue, so - it's never going to be a happy life, is it? Get out now before dealing with this grinds you down even more.

@TheFoundations

Pretty sure single life is the way for me. I have got no energy left to take on anyone else

You don't need energy to take someone on. It's not a fight. With the right person, you will feel more supported, not less. This approach to relationships explains why you are where you are, though.

Thankyou, your posts make sense and you are right.

I think relationships have always had that feeling of ‘taking someone on’ same with my ex, same with this.

I thought it was me, I’m naturally inclined to help and deal with peoples problems, as it’s part of my job. And I thought I was just unable to step out of that role. But I think I’ve realised it’s not me. It’s them.

Thanks all, the posts are very helpful, and saying what I tbh already know. But I just needed to sound it out with someone and didn’t feel like doing that IRL just yet. I wanted it clear in my own head first.

I know I am right in this, and I cannot continue to be made to feel like I am not. I am not perfect and not asking to be with someone perfect either, but I do expect to be with someone who considers my feelings and doesn’t just dismiss what I’m saying/feeling because they can’t deal with their own feelings of not being right all the time.

I feel I have approached it completely reasonably spelling out what’s up. And in return basically got told to be quiet, and it’s not been spoken about since. I am left feeling not listened to, and not cared about. And that’s not right.

It is you, though. I mean, it's them, yes, in that they're not the right person for you. But most people in the world aren't the right person for you, and they're not causing you any issues.

Thanks all, the posts are very helpful, and saying what I tbh already know

This ^^ is the bit where it's you. It's the bit of you that silences the bit that already knows; the bit that needs someone else to say it's ok to feel how you feel. It was a massive breakthrugh for me when I tried to work out what was wrong with me, and I realised suddenly that the only thing wrong with me was my partner!

Being gaslit means that you have a truth and someone else tries to make you feel that your truth is not true. Validate your own feelings. Be there for yourself. Believe yourself. Back yourself up. Gaslighting can't exist without the victim's self doubt. It's the chink in your armour.

And don't forget that in a healthy relationship, you don't need armour at all.

@GLsuspect

It’s really difficult to explain, but generally we do have a nice time together and usually I am happy. It’s purely when something comes up that we disagree on, or arguments but they are always over stupid silly little things. Nothing major.

His version of this story would place me in the wrong. And I am not denying that sometimes I can’t leave things that probably could be left, and I can go on about things.

But then I also think my ‘going on’ is done in response to his gaslighting.

The more I imagine constantly doing this whenever anything we disagree on comes up, the more I just think I’d be better on my own.

It’s just hard to walk away from something that seems like despite this issue would be a happy life. But it’s not going to change is it?

I wish he would listen and it could be resolved, but he doesn’t think he’s wrong at all, so he’s not going to because as far as he is concerned, it’s all me. So it can’t be sorted.

Pretty sure single life is the way for me. I have got no energy left to take on anyone else. And I just feel like a failure at relationships. It is hard as I am pretty much an ‘independent woman’ without meaning to sound indulgent, I know I have a lot to offer, I work hard in a good job, I am caring and I am capable of doing most things alone or sorting things by myself, I have my own home/car etc. I do not need anyone, but I would like someone.
I thought this would make it easier to be with someone, as I was determined not to end up in a relationship the same as my last one where everything falls to me because of being capable so I have set some clear boundaries, but it seems that wasn’t the answer either.

I just can’t take being made out to be always wrong and be told I’m making things up which I know for a fact I am not doing. Dismissing my feelings and even going as far as saying he isn’t interested in how I feel about things cause it’s all made up. Blergh

Nice time or not he is actively doing something aggressive in your relationship. You have to wonder why??