Husband on plenty of fish

[GraceBella]

Hello I'm new here, just after some advice or if anyone's been where I am at now. Married 8 years, 2 kids, im 34. About 4 months ago I had a knock at the door, a girl basically told me my husbands on Plenty of fish arranging to meet her for sex. I was like nooo way, my husband is a t**t but never in a million years would he do this. Low and behold she told me to phone the number (not his number) and he answered. Long story short ish - long toxic relationship, always made me feel worthless, loads too it. Physically and emotionally abusive (I know please don't judge) his had thankfully stopped but still controlling. I'm not stupid, but very very vulnerable and all I ever wanted was a family. So anyway, she knew him through one of his friends, she set him up. Sent him pics and all that, it only lasted 3 days and then she came to tell me instead of meet him. What I feel for her is another story. So he's gone and I'm in the process of divorce. I have put everything into this, my entire life. Im devastated, I know I cant get past it. But im so so upset, struggle to see my life without him, I know its normal. Just wanted to hear from anyone if they've been through this, are my feelings valid? I feel distraught some days. Im turning to drink, im angry, im worried il never ever move on. Please someone tell me it gets easier xx

I'm sorry this has happened OP and yes it will definitely get easier.

You will get through this and be much happier without him, although it won't feel like that now.

Thank u so much for your reply. I come on here and read, always great advice. Im just so hurt and all I want to do is disappear, run away from our financial obligations. Were joint on everything 😔 own two homes, one we rent out. Joint bank accounts, cars ect. Every thing I have to tackle is like a stab to my already hurting heart ☹

Oh op this is awful! BUT from the sounds of it, one day you'll wake up and think 'thank fuck, my life is so much better now' you'll meet someone who doesn't abuse you and meet other women for sex. You're worth so much more than this. Finances will sort themselves out don't stress if you own 2 houses you'll be ok. Virtual hug for now and look forward to a thread in 12 months about how you made the best decision of your life. Well done for taking this step

In a few years you'll be one of those women who has 'been through it', you will know what to say to women in your position right now, you will have a new identity as that woman who went through shit and is still upright.

There's not a lot to cling to right now except the thought of the future. I'm sorry it is shitty and hard but you will get an element of badass as a result which means the next man will be the sort to be attracted to badass.

Keep one eye on the future while the other is sobbing

Also...what a dick he is

You can do this, but not if you start relying on drink. Do you have friends and family in real life?

She did you a massive favour OP. Massive.

It's hard going but you will get through this - try without the drink though, that won't help you

One day at a time. x

When you are going through hell just keep going..,

You’ll come out the other side and things will definitely be easier. Just take it one minute, one hour, one job, one day at a time.

It does get easier day by day. I'm 12 years ago and actually grateful I'm no longer with that person, he chipped and chipped away at me and finding that he'd been having one night stands was in many ways a release

You're very brave OP. Throw all your energy into your kids so something positive gets done during this hard and shit time.

So sorry OP, I know you are hurting badly and you are going through such a shock right now. Are you able to get some professional help to talk through all the things that you have gone through. Its good to try and fix the reasons you stayed in such an awful relationship. Its important to fix that as you are very vulnerable to go straight back in to an equally or even worse toxic relationship. You will come through this stronger and brighter.

You will be OK. More than OK. You'll discover how capable and content you can be, you'll have the opportunity to grow without being squashed down by his abuse and maltreatment.

It's going to be tough going for a while, and I strongly recommend that you engage with the freedom programme, counselling and work on your boundaries in relationships - work on building yourself up before you even consider dating again. Unfortunately if you've been through abusive relationships, you tend to be catnip to other abusers, so you need to develop a good shark cage www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

But you can have a great and happy healthy future. Just keep going through this hard bit.

I am sorry for your trouble OP but that girl has done you a huge favour.

That's an awful tale op, I feel for you.
You will get through this and come out the other side stronger and happier.
Lean on the MN vipers nest, you'll get plenty of support and advice.
Chin up and stay away from the booze, it won't help.
You got this ❤️

Sorry this happened to you.

There are lots of dirtbag married men on dating sites.

Like you said, he's physically and emotionally abusive. A cheater now too... and finally you've had the strength to walk away.

Indeed the girl did do you a massive favour.

Unfortunately even though some women go through horrific abuse, it often takes until the man cheats before she finally decides to leave.

Abuse should be betrayal enough.

Youve absolutely done the right thing in dumping this utter vile arsewipe of a human.

And - Your feelings are valid.

You have done the difficult bit of getting him out.

My advice is to try and focus on your mental and physical health as much as you can. Make your home a haven where you only have positive thoughts. Don't interact with him unless it's about the kids and do all of this via email.

Try not to focus on what he has done. You already knew he was a twat and he has proved you right. This woman has done you the most massive favour. Good for her!

Here are some fantastic and I really mean fantastic YouTube videos to watch that will give you a road to healing, work on your self worth and make you feel empowered.

Self love u by Jenna Ryan
Create the love mark groves
Amy young relationship coach

Amy young and mark groves both also have podcasts.
I promise this is a good thing, you don’t see it now but by fuck guy deserve 1000000 better. Your grieving and it’s normal to feel this way and don’t let anyone tell you how long to grieve for. These YouTube channels will honestly empower you for a better future.

are my feelings valid

They are all you have, and they are the real you. If you doubt them, they come out in weird, toxic ways like tantrums and addictions and getting involved in relationships that feel like shit.

Do this one thing for yourself: Start doing things that make you feel nice. On the inside. At the core of you. Things that will make you say tomorrow 'It was so nice of me to do that for me, yesterday.'

After you do this for a bit, you won't want the nice feeling of treating yourself kindly to be threatened. You'll start to say no to things, because you don't want to lose the feeling of being lovely to yourself. Startlingly, that's all self respect is. It's being attached to the feeling of receiving kindness from yourself.

So, no more 'I'll never move on'; that's not a kind thing to say to yourself. Kinder things are more like 'I feel awful - I really need to take a break from thinking about this/be violent to a pillow/find somewhere I can do a bit of screaming/stand in the shower and cry for 45 minutes/stay in my dressing gown for a week/etc/etc'

Don't think about 'when will I ever be better' - just go through the steps of being nice to yourself, gentle with yourself, giving with yourself, accepting yourself, each day. It feels weird to start with, but things change fast when you change your mindset like that.