Is any relationship absolutely perfect?

[Wineonamonday]

My husband and I have been married for just over four years and have two boys, they are 1 and 3.
I started speaking to someone I matched with years ago on a dating app. We never met up in real life and when we were talking it was completely innocent just seeing what each other is up to. We were speaking for a few weeks, again all innocent things, but it got to a point where I was actually starting to really like him and I was getting to a point where I was living with regret that we didn't date in the past. Anyway, I spoke to him about everything and decided to stop messaging him, it isn't fair on him and isn't fair on my husband. Like I said, if you were go look at the conversation it could be between two close friends, so was all innocent, but I didn't want it to turn into anything more. On our final few messages I felt so emotional and couldn't stop crying. Why do I feel like this? Is it normal for married people to wish that things could have been different? Is this a case of the grass is greener on the other side?
My husband loves me so much, and he is very caring and will try to make me happy. We have a nice house, decent jobs, two beautiful children yet I am not happy. When people say their partner is their soul mate I don't feel that way. We have so many differences. I am into eating healthy and exercising (I think it is because my dad died young of a heart attack so I am always so conscious of that now). I also care about how I look (maybe to a point where it is unhealthy). My husband will complain that he is overweight (he isn't really, just a bit extra on his belly and hips) and so hates photos because of it. Yet he will avoid exercise and happily eat lots of junk food. Every night he spends it on his PlayStation and if he could do that every day all day he would. I am not like that at all, I love being outside and would love to have evenings just in the garden, but he hates doing that. He is also on his phone constantly. But as I am writing this, they seem like such minor things and maybe that is the same with every person? Noone is perfect right?
The thing that makes me think things are really not right is the fact that I really wish he would find someone else and would leave me. Maybe that is so I am not the bad guy.
I guess it is a combination of speaking to an old friend, and my feelings about my husband that has made me really question what I want.
I don't want to regret staying in this relationship as I know so many do as they are just comfortable. But maybe what I have is enough and everyone has little things that annoy them in their partner. Has anyone gone through anything similar? Thank you.

@Wineonamonday I am sure that no one is perfect but I am in a very similar situation. The person can be completely lovely but at the end of the day if you don’t love them they aren’t right for you. Me and dh have been together a long time, like 16 years and have similar age children to yours. I always knew I didn’t feel right however he was so kind and caring and perfect on paper. It’s now all coming out how I feel and he’s completely devastated and I feel awful that it’s come to this. I think we will probably end up splitting and I feel like the worst person for letting it get this far and not ending things before we got married. Sorry, that’s probably not helpful for you. I would say ignore the other guy. I’ve had crushes on other people before and they always pass, it probably feels emotional because it makes you realise how wrong things are in your relationship rather than that this online guy is particularly great if you see what I mean?

I don’t think it’s that innocent to talk to someone you met on a dating app. I’d be very displeased with my husband doing that even if it wasn’t flirting.

It sounds like you’re not giving 100% to your relationship and you’re not happy with him so you should leave

@Shoxfordian

I don’t think it’s that innocent to talk to someone you met on a dating app. I’d be very displeased with my husband doing that even if it wasn’t flirting.

It sounds like you’re not giving 100% to your relationship and you’re not happy with him so you should leave

Maybe read a few threads on how this sort of behaviour eventually rebounds on your children .. and grow up!!!

@MoanaMammoth thank you for your reply, and sorry you feel that way with your husband. It is so hard, as when your husband is so kind you'd think that would be enough. This is the thing, I don't want to go years feeling this way and not regretting saying or doing something sooner. You are right, anyone can seem lovely online. I hope everything goes OK for you.

@Shoxfordian that is why I have stopped talking to him. I know I was in the wrong and was being unfair to everyone else. I am trying to give 100% now.

You've had an emotional affair and your husband deserves better than that

Two things.
Your dh is not being a true husband playing on a stupid play station every evening and not engaging in fully in his marriage. You are right to be upset about that.
You are not being a true wife going online talking to strangers . That is a very dangerous path to follow and needs to be avoided as it is detrimental to your relationship.
But your dh sounds like the one who needs to step up. Don't just accept that is the way to continue your life. You can instigate separation due to his uselessness as a husband and l wouldn't blame you. But stay off the chats until that happens. If you originally had a good relationship with your dh counselling might help to bring you both back on track.
Don't settle for a life of misery and resentment.

You're kidding yourself on by saying it was innocent. This isn't an old friend, it's someone you met on a dating app. You had no reason to be back in touch.

However, I think you need to separate this from how you are feeling about your husband. Did you have these thoughts about him and your relationship before starting to talk to this guy again? It may be your relationship isn't meeting your needs so you're looking for that elsewhere. That doesn't mean it's doomed but you need to work together to fix it if that's the case. Are you attracted to him?

OP I'd check out if my DH was.on a playstation every morning then glued to his phone. It sounds utterly grim. To the point that I wouldn't even date someone who uses a playstation (not judging!!-its just something I hate). Like you I'm very outdoorsy. But can I ask, what attracted you to him in the first place? You seem really different.

Also when you have a 1 and 3 yr old I kind of think all bets are off for a bit, given the sleep deprivation, no time for yourself, crazy whirlwinds that are little kids, naps, playdates, sleep schedules, weaning, no time for each other etc, etc, etc. You might feel differently a little further down the line!

*day not morning

You've had an emotional affair and had your head turned by "what might have been". You are obviously dissatisfied with your husband's lifestyle and you really need to look at your relationship and decide if you want to work on it or leave it. Only you can make that decision. Has he always been like that? In which case it's kind of unfair to be judging him now. If not, perhaps you need to sit him down and have a real discussion with him about how you are feeling and why. If he doesn't want to change then you need to decide if you want to stay and accept him or leave for both your sakes before you get really resentful.

To reply just to your thread title though, I don't think any relationship is perfect, but I've been with my husband for just over 20 years, married for 15 and I love him so much. Sometimes I could strangle him and we don't have a wildly passionate relationship anymore but we are comfortable and happy in each others company and since the day we got together, my head has never been turned. Don't get me wrong, I can, ahem, admire the view as it passes by, (I'm not dead after all) but I literally have no desire to be with anyone else.

I think most of us have “what if?” moments at some point, but we view the other situation through rose-tinted glasses. How much time do you spend together as a couple? I start to feel low and disconnected from my DH if I don’t regularly spend time with him, which may be something as simple as watching a TV show together after the kids are asleep. The thing that really stood out for me was your wish for your DH to meet someone else and leave you. I guess that would be the easy way out for you but it absolves you from all responsibility. Personally I would start by trying to make some time together to reconnect and remember why you fell in love. You don’t say how many years you have been together in total. Have you heard of the phrase “seven year itch?”.

I was engaged to someone we had been together for 4 years and have a 2yr old boy together. Our relationship got "stale" in the whirlwind of a small child, sleepless nights, I went back to work full time and felt unappreciated. We both did and we did not communicate effectively. Resentment built up and I left him. I got with someone else very quickly (not OM, was not on the scene when we split). And I can say now it is the biggest regret of my life. It keeps me awake at night having to share my son 50 50 with him, I miss our life together and I wish now we had worked harder. I would say you need some couples counselling or at least talk to him about how you feel. I wish I could turn back time and work harder on our relationship for our child because this is not the life I would choose for myself.

You can feel very trapped in this scenario. I think the problem is so many of us expect this perfect marriage and it isn't realistic. We all expect amazing sex, a DH who is a wonderful father, helps round the house, is kind, caring, romantic, the list goes on. Nobody thinks we should compromise on anything and that's why I think there are so many unhappy and 'trapped' wives out there and single ladies not finding the right guy.

@cheesecrackerz

You've had an emotional affair and your husband deserves better than that

This.

Unfortunately in life it seems that so many of the good, caring men get married to women who don't appreciate or derserve them.

Of course not. Nothing is "perfect". It's all a matter of compromise. Something can be close to "perfect" if the compromises are acceptable ones.