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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I start again?

16 replies

love15 · 04/08/2021 22:39

33... can moving back to my mums mean that j really can meet someone new, build a home and have more children? Feeling really s*t :( x

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 04/08/2021 22:48

I don't know that you will be able to achieve all that at your mums.

You can have a new start, enjoy being single for a while and try to get your own place.

Presumably you already have children as you ask if you can really have more children. You're jumping the gun a bit, you need a new man for that.

One step at a time. 33 is young. Enjoy what you have right now.

Good luck.

EllieStartingOver · 04/08/2021 22:50

You absolutely can, I’m 36 and most of my friends are just having children and a fair few are on second marriages.

Build a life that makes you happy, who knows what the future holds but 33 is definitely not too old x

Original poster
love15 · 04/08/2021 22:54

Having to go back to my mums temporarily rally feels like a huge set back in life.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 04/08/2021 22:59

I thought you were going to say you are much older!

Yes, it sucks, but needs must. This is only a phase in your life. The wheel of life is always turning- this is a low point, but things will move up.

EllieStartingOver · 04/08/2021 22:59

It’s not a step back, it’s a temporary solution until you’re back on track.

Maggiesfarm · 04/08/2021 23:13

@love15

Having to go back to my mums temporarily rally feels like a huge set back in life.
It doesn't have to be forever!

I hope your mum's house is big enough for you all to have your own space and that she is a jolly person who will encourage you to go out and enjoy yourself while you are at hers. I know I would if I was her.

My mother definitely wouldn't have, she'd have 'tut tutted' and resented me having a life. She also had a very small house so her+me+kids would not have worked. Thank goodness it was never necessary for me but - it might work for you well enough. I've known some people with marvellous parents who have happily housed their grown up children and grandchildren for a while.

Good luck.

Original poster
love15 · 04/08/2021 23:26

@Maggiesfarm - I don't plan on being here too long. But already tonight she's told me I'm not normal and I'm a weirdo. Somehow my situation with my dd father who I'm trying to break away from has become all about her and how she can't take anyone etc. Is this normal??? Feeling lost with everyone in life right now

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 05/08/2021 00:11

I'm so sorry, love15.

The sooner you leave mum, the better.

Ftr, my mum used to tell me I wasn't normal. She also told me I would never get a decent man.

Years later when I reminded her of what she said, she denied it. Typical.

Of course it wasn't true as it isn't true that you aren't normal and are a weirdo.

As soon as you can, comb Rightmove.

I hope at the very least you have a decent job and aren't at home with her all day.

[flowers[

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 05/08/2021 00:21

I also returned to the scene of the crime (aka moved home) in my 30s. I found it very informative. It really helped me to see what happened from more of an adult observer view. Probably did more for me than any therapy would have done.

Get back out there as soon as you can.

Blingstheway · 05/08/2021 07:40

I moved back to my parents with my children at 33. My parents were amazing though, gave me help and support through my divorce. They baby sat so I could have a good time and get back to working more hours.
I was there a year and it was the best decision I made. I paid them loads in rent but really it was to save from my divorce and I saved enough for a deposit and purchased my own house after my divorce came through.
They do have a big house though was was plenty big enough to not get in each other’s nerves.

That is just my experience and worked for me.

Good luck xx

Original poster
love15 · 05/08/2021 08:23

Have I got time to to meet someone new, feel settled and maybe have another child one day? I want it all so badly x

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 05/08/2021 08:25

Yes of course you can start again with all that. Moving back is temporary, but tbh your mum won't be helping so I'd look for temp accommodation elsewhere.

Original poster
love15 · 05/08/2021 09:21

My mums mentally drains me and so does my dd dads place.... nowhere truly feels like home where I can relax and Just be me. Starting to feel like I've had enough :( x

OP posts:
girl71 · 05/08/2021 10:05

Op, are you married? Do you and DD's dad own your family home or jointly rent?

Staying at your mums sounds unsustainable. If you and yr ex (?) own a property you need to see a solicitor re division of assets or possibly staying in the family home , while he moves out. If you are not married and no financial interest you need to start afresh on your own. Do you work? If so and with the aid of benefits and maintenance can you start the motions to rent your own place?

With kindness Op securing your income and a secure home for you and your DD should be your only focus now. A new relationship will follow when you are back on track.

With kindness again and, i may be reading it wrong, hoping for a new relationship while still at your mums all sounds a bit rushed. It reads a little as if you are hoping to move straight from your mums into your new relationships home and have another baby. Sorry if i have that wrong. Personally, i would put the new relationship thought totally on the back burner now until you have established yourself. It is not a priority. Staying at your mums does not appear to be a healthy option for any of you and the sooner you have your own home , you will start to feel clearer in your own mind and be settled.

Fruitandnuts · 05/08/2021 10:06

I left a 3 year relationship at 36, we lived together, everything was great 'on paper' - good jobs, home, holidays but there was no affection. I realised even though he was a nice guy he would never be able to meet my needs. We tried, communicating but something was just off. I had a 'this isn't working is it' chat and he agreed. I packed my bags the next morning perhaps in a rush but i felt so low i had to get out of there, the atmosphere just died. I packed up and went to live with my sister. 36 single again and no idea what i was going to do next. I lived with my sister for approx 8 months, worked on myself, read self help books, threw myself into work. Saved up enough money to buy my own house, got a great mortgage advisor and made it happen. I'm now 38 and have a new relationship of 9 months, he is much more affection and we are discussing all the things my ex seemed so uncomfortable with - marriage, kids etc.

I'm so glad i made the decision to leave and yes i did worry so much as i was 36 and all my friends were married, in fact i had went to very wedding with my ex thinking we were next. it wasnt to be. i'm now very happy with my new bf and yeah im 38 but this feels so much better.
You just need to start to focus on what you want now, you have a clean state to create a better life. Start to plan that and believe it will happen. I now look back and remember how sad i was but it takes time and opportunities will arise. Have faith

Blingstheway · 05/08/2021 12:24

@love15 yes you definitely have time to meet someone new. I met my dh about a year after I left my exh so was 34. I never wanted more children but he was happy to have more if I did.

I have friends who are still having children in their early 40’s and a few of my friends didn’t have their first children until they were mid-late 30’s. So plenty of time. Just don’t put too much pressure on yourself x

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