Please someone tell me what to do!

[Cmarie74]

Long story short..
9 Yr relationship
2 young children
Volatile and basically terrible relationship with good patches throughout, but always turns to shit.. Partner is in my opinion a narcissistic personality and loves me one minute hates me the next. Basically this week he's decided I'm a lying deceitful slut who never tells him anything and seems to think I'm doing something behind his back.. He wants me to move out asap and says if I don't I have to pay half the rent, bills, food etc and follow his house rules because I'm the one that's done something wrong, if I don't he's kicking me out and won't let me take the children.. Otherwise he's happy for me to leave and take the kids if I get us a house sorted.. But how can I do that if I have to pay half of everything here too? I don't earn enough to do both in one month.

Please keep in mind this isn't a normal relationship, I haven't actually done anything wrong I'd never cheat etc just for my kids sake I wouldn't do it.
I'm terrified he's going to force me out an dkeep the children from me. What do I do?

He's done all this before but never told me he'd keep the kids, always said I can have them but he wants me gone, I'm useless and empty and a terrible gf/mum the usual evil bullshit this type of man spouts when he's mad.. But this time I feel like he's serious, he usually gets over his tantrums but this one has stuck and nothing I say makes a difference.
I don't know what to do...

Are you in the uk?

Speak to women’s aid.
And remember he’s not the boss of you. It sounds like a split is the best idea but he doesn’t get to decide who has the kids. If you can’t agree the court will decide.

Are you saying that for previous 9 years you haven't had to pay towards bills and rent? Do you have some savings? I think you already know this is no way to live, so, take him at his word, look for a place to rent, then move out with the DC's.
If you can string it out till you find a place, it might help, either way it sounds like you need to start looking asap, and apply for CMS off him. Any family you could go to as a stopgap?

@Rainbowqueeen

Are you in the uk? Speak to women’s aid. And remember he’s not the boss of you. It sounds like a split is the best idea but he doesn’t get to decide who has the kids. If you can’t agree the court will decide.

Thankyou, yes I'm in the UK. Maybe I'll call them and see what their advice is. I know deep down he has no right to tell me what to do, I even told him today while he was sagging me off in front of the kids that he has no right to be like this, and he said yes I do because you've disrespected me and I won't allow it anymore. I've honestly done nothing, nothing but spend the last 8 yrs taking care of our children and him! I have barely a life outside of this family and he's accusing me of being unfaithful whether it's in person or by text or whatever the hell he thinks I'm doing.

I just don't know what to do if he kicks me out, how do I get my children?
They don't deserve to see all this and he just tells me they need to know what their mother is like, they'll see eventually anyway..
He's horrible
I don't know what to do anymore

@Opentooffers

Are you saying that for previous 9 years you haven't had to pay towards bills and rent? Do you have some savings? I think you already know this is no way to live, so, take him at his word, look for a place to rent, then move out with the DC's. If you can string it out till you find a place, it might help, either way it sounds like you need to start looking asap, and apply for CMS off him. Any family you could go to as a stopgap?

I've been in and out of work since I had my first child, but I have zero savings and only went back to work full time a month ago, I don't have time to save up a month's rent and a deposit in the next few weeks. I'd take them to my mums but she only has a tiny house and I don't think he'd even let me go there because it's so small just 2bed, me and the 2 kids would be sleeping in 1 bed until I found a place. He's a proud idiot and he'll make out like they're better off with him than going there. When I worked before a had our 2nd 2 yrs ago he did the rent and I paid bills and food which usually amounted to more than the rent! But on mat leave and redundancy during Covid he had to pay for a lot more, things I didn't have the money for, now he's saying this is me paying him back for all the money he's had to cough up for me. He's ridiculous. I'll never be happy, I know I should leave, I just don't know how to go about it in the situation I'm in

Women's aid. Please. I don't want you to repeat my story.

I'm going to say he is most likely cheating and projecting (sorry), but that isn't even close to the true issues here.

You run a huge risk if you don't leave now, that your kids will be placed into foster care if they find out the situation you are in. I stayed, because I believed him saying he would make sure I didn't have them. Like he did, he started saying he would never take them. It alternates. It's control.

Get help from them now. They won't force you into anything but will (safely) teach you to see what's happening and give you options.

It took 5 years to get my kids back and we are going through hell right now with my eldest who has serious mental health issues from the fall out.

Please, please please.

Get out ring woman's aid and leave this vile man, for your children sake and your own

I'm guessing you're not married and the house is in his name.

You can contact Shelter for help and advice regarding housing: www.shelter.org.uk/

Contact your local council housing department and say you are in an abusive relationship and have no deposit and need to get out. They sometimes have a deposit they can give you in order to help you rent privately. There's info here on private renting: england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting

The council will also have details of their DV services on their website. Get in contact with them tomorrow if you can, although the housing department will also have those details.

I'm so sorry that happened to you, that sounds like hell.

I think I will call women's aid for some clarity thankyou.
He's just SO dominant nothing I say ever matters, it's his way or no way.
It's sad because when he's not like this he really takes care of me in his own way and can be nice, then something and nothing makes him flip and he sees me as the enemy, its crushing.

I've been scared of losing the kids over this but never understood why they'd be taken from me if HE is the abusive one, it seems so cruel but I know it happens.
Thank you

Thankyou so much for that. No we're not married, we only rent, I'm the first name on the tenancy and he's the second, but he pays the rent, so in his stupid mind it's his house and I can just f*ck off, which I know is rubbish. I'm working now and could pay the rent myself especially with help from UC, but he says he shouldn't have to leave after paying so much out in rent.. Even though I constantly remind him whether he stays or goes he'll never get that rent back from the landlord anyway! But he listens to nobody.
The times before he has changed his mind and said he'll go so as not to disrupt the kids, then after a few days calms down and stays and acts like nothing happened.
It's a vicious twisted cycle I can't seem to escape..

@Cmarie74

I'm so sorry that happened to you, that sounds like hell.

I think I will call women's aid for some clarity thankyou.
He's just SO dominant nothing I say ever matters, it's his way or no way.
It's sad because when he's not like this he really takes care of me in his own way and can be nice, then something and nothing makes him flip and he sees me as the enemy, its crushing.

I've been scared of losing the kids over this but never understood why they'd be taken from me if HE is the abusive one, it seems so cruel but I know it happens.
Thank you

With so, so much love - because I didn't see it until I did the courses women's aid helped with - it's very, very typical that they are amazing ... until they aren't. Why else would people stay?

To be really clear, even if it's "just" emotional abuse, it's enough to impact on your little ones.

He knows your personal pain points, when to push, when to make things ok. IMO.

You should never, ever, ever, be trapped in a relationship.

Women's aid were amazing for me. Please talk here too if you feel comfortable. I can share what I can in hopes to help someone. Though (and I know I might be going overboard here but better safe than sorry!) just cover your tracks while reaching out as it can escalate things.

This 'vicious cycle' you talk about is the cycle of abuse. What holds many people back in abusive relationships is hope that somehow he will always remain nice as he is in the 'honeymoon' phase of the cycle but of course, it's not real, it's there to keep you in the relationship.

You've given it 9 years and if he was going to change, he would. This is it now for the rest of your life - think about that for a moment. It's not going to get better and your children are watching all this and learning from it in order either get into similar abusive relationships or abuse themselves, simply because they don't know any different.

He won't take your children OP. It's a threat. Make some calls and get some advice, don't tell him what you're doing, don't change your behaviour in case his escalates. Find somewhere to live with the children and get away from him. I also suggest that you write down some of his awful behaviour so you can read back and remind yourself of what he's like.

You are going to be ok OP. Just keep putting one step in front of the other. Start making plans, it help you feel empowered.

Thankyou, you're so nice :)
I talk to my mum about this and she tells me one day you will just get tough and leave, I just don't know when that day will be, I'm terrified of it all, everything, but I know it's best.
I'm scared he'll turn the kids on me, especially the eldest, I don't want to lose them emotionally as well as physically when he has them.
Another weird thing though, this time, he's not looking for proof, not checking my phone as far as I can tell, if he really thought I was upto something wouldn't he be trying to shove it in my face? He just says he's over me and doesn't care either way now but he won't let it drop and allow me to keep disrespectfing him, but I never did in the first place :(
I can't help but think he's the one hiding something but making out that it's me to cover up his wrongdoings and look like the victim so he doesn't have to feel bad this time.
I will try women's aid though, thankyou.
I'll be back for a haldhold if I need to.

Yes this, the thing I worry about most is the children seeing this and copying him, or becoming victims of someone like him when they're older.. It's heartbreaking. For 9yrs I've been thinking it'll get better even though deep down I know it won't, he says he doesn't like the way he is, he knows hes basically a twat, but it's just how he is and he can't do anything about it.. If I don't like it I can leave. That's how he sees it. So up his own arse and although he knows he does wrong, there's always an excuse and I should be grateful for the nice things he does for me.
Insane.

It's his choice to be this way and it's your choice not to put up with it. You've given it all you can and you can't put up with him accusing you of things you haven't done and name calling. It's emotional abuse and your children are witnessing this. You're right to be concerned about what they are seeing and hearing here.

I can tell that you are ready to start making positive changes in your life. Have a think about Christmas, settled in your new home, tree up and decorated, children cuddled on the sofa, safe and warm. No walking on eggshells, no accusations or abuse. Just peace in a calm loving house.

I would take the kids asap and go to your mums. Would rather be cooped up in 1 room than suffer one minute more of his abuse. Dont tell him anything of your plans, whether you leave or call Womens Aid. Learn to emotionally detach. This will ruin your kids if you stay any longer.

I'm just so scared, scared to make any kind of move incase it makes it all worse.
I know it's best for the kids to not have them around this but I don't know how he'll react if I just took them and left, how would I be able to come back for all our stuff?
I called our estate agents today and told ours about it all, she sympathised and told me he has no rights to kick me out anyway, I know she's right, but if I push to stay and he won't go then I'm buggered, just stuck.

It's absolutely understandable you're scared, and I think your worries are valid. I'd say you don't need to jump into anything straight away, now is the time for a bit of planning. Though might be worth gathering up important documents into one easy place (birth certs for you and the kids, passports etc) just in case anything escalates and you need to leave more urgently.

Women's aid will be able to help you with everything from the legal side of things, to helping you understand what's happening and why he acts the way he does, to how you might want to approach leaving, if you choose to. In my experience they won't force you to do anything. I think you deserve some real life support with this.

Thinking of you!

Thankyou 🧡
I tried to call women's aid yesterday but no phone number anymore on the website, so i rang gingerbread and a nice man gave me details of a local helpline I may call after the weekend and see what advice they give.
I'm just terrified of the fallout of actually leaving, he's the kind of person who will still try to control things, he'll decide when he has the kids and not care if I agree etc, but I'm determined not to fall for that, they're my children too not just his property to take from me when he pleases.
I've looked up universal credit to work out if I can survive financially alone and I think I'd be fine, it's just going through with leaving that scares me, not being alone. I'd be a better parent and a happier person on my own, it's just making it happen 💔

Get out. Take your children. Go to a shelter. They will help you.

Don't ring WA for advice, say, ' I need a shelter'. I feel I'm in danger of my life.

Pack the bags and go. Once in the shelter Call the police. Get it logged. Don't think about money for now. Get to the shelter.

He wants me to move out asap and says if I don't I have to pay half the rent, bills, food etc and follow his house rules because I'm the one that's done something wrong, if I don't he's kicking me out and won't let me take the children.

Apart from he's nuts, you said he is your partner, not your husband. Is he on the birth certificate?

Yes he's only my partner we're not married. He's on both birth certificates as we were together when both kids were born and he came to both appointments for that.
I think he's been reading up on fathers rights recently, he keeps saying I've got some big surprises coming and he isn't worried about not seeing the kids etc like he's read somewhere that he can just have them whenever he wants until I take it to court. He just seems so confident about everything when he does this, says him and the kids will be happier after a split, he'd show them a better life than I will etc he's being overly nice and Disney dad like with them now too, has said he'll take them out weekends and things now, he never really did before unless we all went out together which isn't often at all.. It's like he's trying to act like super dad now and acting like I'm not even here.... Its soul destroying

Hi OP,
I can only agree with PPs, please get yourself and the children to safety.
The number for Refuge is on this page:

www.refuge.org.uk/

If he has access to your devices, please follow the guidance for staying safe online, so that he can’t see what you’re doing.

You can do this. Thinking of you.💐