Life after loss- how do you carry on? I don’t know how

[Nc4post99]

If you’ve lost someone you loved dearly, how did you cope? How did you carry on and live through the grief?

I lost my dad in an incredibly traumatic way 2 weeks ago.- 5.5months pregnant with dc2. I have a mother and a sibling but they were/ and still are incredibly abusive and unkind people. I have dh and dc1 that are keeping me going. But the grief, it’s vast. I think I’m still in denial because I can’t talk about what happened without having a breakdown. I’m fine and then these moments of sheer panic happen and it’s overwhelming and I have a panic attack- but I don’t know what I’m panicking about, because the worst happened. I don’t want to say goodbye because it makes it ‘real’

I’ve lost relatives before and loved ones but it’s not been like this. If you lost someone dear to you and it felt suffocating, how did you carry on, keep going and make it through? How did you cope?

Nb i don’t feel suicidal

I lost DD1 when she was aged 5. I had a terrible time afterwards with panic attacks and anxiety. I ended up on antidepressants which didn't really help. The only thing that really helped was the passage of time and lovely people who let me talk about her and how I was doing and supported me gently through it all. Have you got friends and a kind partner who will support you? Maybe think about counselling. It's not for everyone but it helped me a lot to unload with someone who didn't judge and just guided me through my feelings.

There is a dedicated bereavement section on MN with a thread for people who lost parents, I am sure you would get support and an understanding ear there.
I am very sorry for your loss

@ApolloandDaphne I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter

I have ‘friends’ but thing is about death, it makes a lot of people uncomfortable and they disappear. Or they talk about an after life or god, none of which my dad believed in. I just don’t want to deal with this or accept it as real, you know.

The hospital said they have counsellors and I asked for them everyday whilst I was at the hospital, they never came. The docs said they’d reach out but that’s not happened yet. I think there is bereavement counselling but that’s after 6 months I think.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in 2020 and it was not a peaceful death. Like you, I have a dh and a toddler (who was only 8 months at the time) to keep me going. I've had counselling through my employer's workplace assistance programme which helped in the moment, but overall I didn't really think I opened up enough and by then the sessions were over. The counsellor recommended a bereavement charity called Cruse and they have lots of resources online to read. I found some comfort in attending a festival online called Good Grief as I am interested in death and grief, however morbid that sounds! It was interesting stuff and I now follow lots of the speakers and other grief and bereavement type organisations on Insta. I know how you feel about feeling on the verge of a breakdown. I do worry about slowing down in my daily life (and returning to normal life post pandemic) and everything getting on top of me, but I am further down the line now, and I am coping okay. I still burst into tears today randomly, and fairly often, just feeling sad about how much my toddler is missing out on my dad, and vice versa. I hope you are alright. Wanted to reach out and send a hug x

Sorry for your loss

I lost my wife just over a year ago, leaving me with our adorable daughter, now 4. My situation is a bit different in that I have had amazing support from family and friends.

But even then it’s so tough to lose someone so close to you. I had some counselling which really helped me get over a few of the things that kept playing over in my mind.

For me, my daughter and my job, plus lots of exercise has kept me going and I’m starting to feel positive about life again. I’d say just focus on the things that make you feel good and ignore people who don’t want to help you, at least until you’re feeling better about things.

I had individual and group counselling at our local hospice. My dad didn’t die there but it was open to everyone. I also did mbsr. It takes a really long time and you never get over it. You learn to live with it.

fb.watch/7aEHcOEFLK/

The link above is to a bbc clip which describes how grief develops and lessens

First of all I’m so sorry for your loss. My nephew (sisters son) passed away several years ago aged 6. We knew it was coming and the last few months of his life were spent sharing his care between us as a family (he needed oxygen overnight etc) and watching him slip away. I remember the day he died like it was yesterday, and the only way I can describe it is like I literally felt there was a hole in me..and everyone around me (colleagues etc) was carrying on with life whilst I felt like I was stood still and wondering how life would ever be normal again. I agree with the other posters above, it never goes away but you do learn to live with it until eventually some random thing happens that reminds you of a memory etc then it all comes flooding back. You will be ok and able to remember the good times without the awful pain, eventually. I found talking helped, I had hypnotherapy which helped immensely, and i distanced myself temporarily from those that clearly found the subject uncomfortable or didn’t want to mention it for fear of upsetting me as I found this made things worse. Thinking of you x

My heart goes out to you.I'm still trying to process the loss of my husband in the face of his quite frankly awful relatives.

@SeigneurLapindeGrantham

My heart goes out to you.I'm still trying to process the loss of my husband in the face of his quite frankly awful relatives.

I’m sorry you’re going through this too ❤️ Life just seems immensely cruel right now xx

My god. Be kind to yourself, it’s so recent. Can you afford some grief counselling. Traumatic death is so hard to come to terms with for many reasons.
The losing a parent thread is great on here, I spent a lot of time on it even though I didn’t post.
Sometimes pouring your heart out to people who don’t know you, Here/counselling really helps.
But most of all try to be kind to yourself

So sorry for your loss. I had bereavement counselling after my mum died. I self referred toCruse and they got in touch and offered me a session within a week. It was really valuable and it is free.

You keep going. And keep going. On the worst days I reminded myself that I wouldn't feel like that all the time. Your grief does not get any smaller, it will always be there, but your heart will eventually grow around it and give you more space to love, to laugh, to be happy.