Relationship Self-Sabotage - any ideas?

[PokeAMan]

Hi, just looking for thoughts as I'm at a loss. A man I've been in a relationship with for two years has said to me that he wants to progress things with me but that he is worried he self-sabotages relationships. The discussion came up because we had discussed possibly living together at some point.

He seems pretty insecure, sometimes a bit 'hot and cold' and he has two long term relationships behind him that failed because he sabotaged them by becoming distant (physically and emotionally). He is 50.

He and I are very 'close' as I we see each other and chat regularly, however I'm not convinced he'd be able to live together or get 'closer' based on what he's saying and past behaviour. He has had a traumatic life.

I'd like to progress things with him gradually, and am aware that it isn't fair on me to put my relationship hopes in the bin, however I'm not sure if/how he and I could ever overcome his issues. Is there anything I can do or do I just need to accept that he's not someone who can ever really commit more than we have currently?

Has he ever had any therapy? He sounds like he has an avoidant attachment style, which is not uncommon in trauma survivors.

The only way he's going to stop himself from self-sabotaging is by working on himself.

Does he describe his previous LTRs as having "failed"? That's very emotive language and if that was his choice of phrase then that points to him still being stuck in that mindset.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation you're right, he's definitely avoidant attachment. He describes the past relationships as not working because he found the long term partners 'too needy' which he seemed to run from. I'm not very 'needy' towards him, when he withdraws a bit then so do I (I know he said previous partner chased).

However, I'd like to have more commitment at some stage and I'm not sure there's anything I can do to reassure him or whether it's a forgone conclusion that he can't do this.

It has to come from him, I would think. Otherwise you become his support worker rather than lover or partner. You could end up spending your life afraid to express any need or any healthy desire for closeness because of fear of his avoidant response, and wwhat's that going to be like for you?

I would take this as a clear message that he is not going to be available for an emotionally close adult relationship. The temptation could be to think you could help him or love him into overcoming his avoidance, but it's a fantasy. This is the guy he's going to be.

If he is proactive about going for long term therapy to sort himself out I might give him a chance, but otherwise I'd let him go. If he's not bothered with therapy so far he probably is happy to carry on as he is.