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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Any advice appreciated

22 replies

seekingadvice23 · 04/08/2021 15:50

So my marriage has been rocky for a while now, I've got my 9year old from a previous relationship and we've been together since she was 18months old. We've got a 6 year old together and an 8 week old baby. Yesterday's argument was the last straw for me, I can't keep doing this especially when the kids can hear. We all live in his uncles house, so I will obviously leave but he's saying I can't legally take them out of this house and eventually change schools. He's definitely controlling, I can see that now, everything has always been what he wants, he's now not happy I'm not giving in. Going forward I will want to move nearer my mums so that means moving to a different county. Will this be a problem? We have separate bank accounts so nothing will change there. I have nothing though, money wise and I'm on maternity leave, and the thought of starting again is horrible especially with the kids and him telling me I won't be able to cope and I'm not allowed to do this and that. Any advice will be greatly appreciated, thanks.

OP posts:

premium77 · 04/08/2021 16:13

You can’t take his kids to another country without his permission, the courts will never allow it

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/08/2021 16:22

OP said county, not country.

OP how far away would you be? If it's the next county, and you're moving for family support, I can't envisage many issues with that. If you're currently in Sussex and want to move to Yorkshire, that might be more of a problem.

See a solicitor ASAP - don't let him try to intimidate you, get armed with knowledge. Try Rights Of Women for help too.

Original poster

seekingadvice23 · 04/08/2021 16:31

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

OP said county, not country.

See a solicitor ASAP - don't let him try to intimidate you, get armed with knowledge. Try Rights Of Women for help too.

Essex to Suffolk, yes it will be family support I have no one near by. Less then an hour away and he works in the area so it's not like he can't see the children. I can't stand the atmosphere here, I will need to move eventually. Thanks so much I will look at that now!

OP posts:

ShitShop · 04/08/2021 16:34

You absolutely can move the kids to a different county if you’re going to be the one with majority care and need family support. It may mean however that you’d have to take on some of the travelling to facilitate them seeing their dad.

However for the meantime maybe just look at getting away and worry about the long term issues once you’re safely separated from him. If you think he might get nasty when you try to leave have the police or a strong family member (preferably male) with you to help you leave.

Orgasmagorical · 04/08/2021 16:34

Control is abuse so Women's Aid would be a good idea to try too. Certainly to ask them for recommendation of a solicitor used to dealing with your type of situation. Good luck to you

Original poster

seekingadvice23 · 04/08/2021 20:00

I really hope it won't be nasty, I honestly feel so guilty especially when he's saying I'm taking the kids away from him, I just want it to be better for them. I've tried ringing rights for women but can't get through. I feel awful ringing women's aid when I don't feel abused and not covered in bruises. I can feel him getting in my head and I hate it.

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 04/08/2021 20:02

How soon can you go ?
Do you have somewhere to go ?

DinosaurDiana · 04/08/2021 20:03

Do you have any money going into your account ?

Muffin69 · 04/08/2021 20:27

Hi, firstly I’m sorry your feeling this way. A few questions, are you all living with the uncle in the house?. You mention an 8 week old baby,your emotions and hormones will be out of whack, have you checked with your midwife for possible PND?
when you say your Husband is controlling, can you elaborate? I would say if possible, keep the children to their routine as best you can until you resolve these issues, to uproot them and move them away from their secure environment may be detrimental to them. Have you tried counselling? Do you have local support, friends/family?

Original poster

seekingadvice23 · 04/08/2021 20:40

@DinosaurDiana

How soon can you go ? Do you have somewhere to go ?

My mum said we can stay at hers short term but I'm just worried about schools and that, I don't know if I'm overly thinking it. I'm getting maternity pay so not a lot.

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 04/08/2021 20:42

You need to speak to a solicitor.
And don’t worry about schools, that will sort itself out.

Original poster

seekingadvice23 · 04/08/2021 20:49

@Muffin69

Hi, firstly I’m sorry your feeling this way. A few questions, are you all living with the uncle in the house?. You mention an 8 week old baby,your emotions and hormones will be out of whack, have you checked with your midwife for possible PND? when you say your Husband is controlling, can you elaborate? I would say if possible, keep the children to their routine as best you can until you resolve these issues, to uproot them and move them away from their secure environment may be detrimental to them. Have you tried counselling? Do you have local support, friends/family?

We rent privately from him, he lives elsewhere. I've had my check up today and cried my eyes out to the doctor, I don't feel depressed just completely drained from being with him. He sucks the live out of me, obviously everything is my fault and this has been planned for me to make an exit. "I've got a past of this" because I split with my daughters dad, completely different situation. We do everything he wants, I suggest things but he'll make it so hard that I just give in. I'll be brushing my teeth and he'll start groping me from behind if I say no I apparently don't love him and I don't find him attractive. He told me the other day that when I was asleep he pulled up my nightdress and pushed himself me, I don't want to feel like I have to do things I don't want to know in order to keep the peace. I don't want to stay here because I know his family will interfere and I'll just end up backing down.

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 04/08/2021 20:50

With a newborn life can be more stressful but as you say issues have been there for a while.

Whilst it's summer can you stay with your mum for a while to get some support?

Legally he can object to you moving schools. Name change and schools require parental agreement however if it went to court it's unlikely to be ruled unreasonable.

Fireflygal · 04/08/2021 20:52

Cross post. I'm so sorry. Can you get to your mum's?

Orgasmagorical · 05/08/2021 09:20

I feel awful ringing women's aid when I don't feel abused and not covered in bruises.

Abuse is not just punches and bruises. Emotional abuse, coercive control, financial abuse, sexual abuse (which you mention in your last post), any abuse is used to keep you where the abuser wants you, none of them trump the other.

When I first contacted WA it was to ask for a recommendation of a solicitor. That solicitor recommended I contact WA for help. I can't remember what I had said to her for her to say that and I thought she was being OTT but I went along (because I was used to doing what I was told) and the first thing I said in the meeting was "I really don't think I should be here". Apparently nearly every user says that, most of us think the abuse isn't all that bad, if we can even recognise it as abuse, and that others are more deserving of the service. Not so, please contact them, seeking, you are obviously very ground down, you need support from those who understand and can help

Original poster

seekingadvice23 · 05/08/2021 21:53

I've spoken to a lovely lady on rights for women, she's gave me some advice about going forward and seeing a mediator but he won't except it. He's nice one minute nasty the next. I just want what is best for the children and he can't see that the arguing it's what is best for them. I know it won't stop it will just get worse. It's so hard to keep strong but I'm thinking of the kids long term

OP posts:

Pissinthepottyplease · 05/08/2021 21:57

Sweetheart please ring Women Aid. They are for all women who are being abused and this includes you.

category12 · 05/08/2021 22:04

Doing sexual things to you while you're asleep is non-consensual and a crime, OP.

He may not be hitting you, but this is still domestic abuse.

Orgasmagorical · 06/08/2021 09:30

It's just as well he's not interested in seeing a mediator, this is not a good idea for a women in an abusive relationship. Please consider contacting Women's Aid - it's you they are there for

HollowTalk · 06/08/2021 10:06

He actually told you he'd raped you? I wish you'd gone straight to the police about that.

Muffin69 · 06/08/2021 17:03

Rape is a very very serious allegation and reading through the comments, I did not pick that up! You mentioned mediation and he refused, have you suggested marriage counselling instead? Mediation is usually at divorce stage when working out access etc. You have a very young family and your a new Mum so emotions and hormones will be heightened. Maybe stay with your family for a few weeks, clear your head and look at the situation with fresh eyes when your not so tired and overwhelmed? I speak from experience so not just throwing comments out there.

category12 · 06/08/2021 17:18

Marriage counselling is not a good idea where there is abuse. Please re-read OP's post @ Wed 04-Aug-21 20:49:26, Muffin69.

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