I hate his son

[Skeletor]

I got married to DH 2 years ago. I had two children to a previous relationship who are 10 and 12 and he had a son from a previous relationship who lived with his mother who was 15.

Anyway everything was great at first (for me anyway) but DH was upset as his son didn't seem to want much to do with him (this had apparantly become a problem before he met me). He was getting into trouble at school every 5 minutes, getting into trouble with the police and then finally got expelled. At this point his mother decided she couldn't cope with him so he would have to live with us.

I agreed for DH's sake.

Anyway, the kid is a nightmare and I honestly cannot stand him. He's rude, cocky, arrogent, violent...he's broken so many of my belongings, does pointless stuff like takes meat out of the freezer and leaves it somewhere to rot. (like behind the sofa). He's attending a pupil referal unit just to keep him in school but when he comes home he's horrible. Refers to me as "the bitch" or "the slut" (I'm much younger than his mum and he seems to see me as an easy target for this reason). He calls my sons gay, queer etc. Leaved used condoms around the house on purpose, drew rude pictures all over the bathroom wall, fired chips at the neighbours from his bedroom window and to top it all off, last weekend he insulted my kids dad so much that he went for him and I had to stand between them.

He's cornered me, pushed me down the stairs, grabbed my throat. I swear I could kill him.

How can your DH possibly expect you and your boys live like that?

Have you spoke to him about it?

if he's going to be so disrespectful to you and your family and not give a crap about the things he is doing, i would be asking DH to sort him out or send him back to his mothers

He's a thug and a bully - what does your dh think, and more importantly, what's he doing to protect you and your dcs?

What does your dh think?

TBH I'd be tempted to move out with my children if dh isn't taking massive steps to address this problem right now.

If his own mum can't cope then how are you expected to?

I'm afraid the violence would have to be the last straw for me. Once that happens either he goes or you and your children go. It's not safe for them with him in the house.

It sounds terrible. I'm not sure I could live with it. Is your dh aware of his treatment of you and your sons? If not, you need to tell him.

Has his relationship with your dh improved while he has been living with you? If not, can you tell dh that the arrangement does not appear to be improving the bond between him and his son and is very bad for you and your sons?

Does he want to stay with you and your dh? If so, could you give him an ultimatum that his behaviour improves or he goes back to his mother?

On a practical note, whose house is it that you are all living in?

Message withdrawn

It sounds like he needs to leave home. Could he join the army ? it sounds like he needs a bit of discipline.

Sorry I don't mean to be flippant. It must be hell for the rest of the family living with someone so unpleasant.

if he is physically violent towards you again call the police.

They can leave home at the age of 15 - my friend's daughter left home on the advice of the child protection people (as much to protect my freind from her) and into a bedsit (one of 10 I think) in the local YMCA - they have people there who can monitor them, get them to school (she didn't go) and they get money from the state for rent,electric, even for her mobile phone. They can be there for 2 years, and I don't think they have to do anything.

Sorry I worded my first post wrong. He's actually 15 now, was 13 when we got married.

DH has tried really hard, he dedicated every saturday morning to him so they could go to motorcross just the two of them and we try and go out together as a family on wednesday nights to the cinema. I was suprised his DS agreed to this but he seems to enjoy it (although he does insist on going to see a different film to us which kind of defeats the purpose).

I actually suggested Army Cadets to him when he kept going on about being bored (he's not allowed out other than school or with us unless supervised) and he went once and cut through the string on their flag or something which obviously they took great offense to and told him not to go back.

With the violence, DH does "have words" with him but he's at work all day and I'm stuck at home with him. He lies and tells DH that I hit him and he pushed me in defense etc and I think sometimes DH believes him.

We have been reported to the police because of the chip incident and also because he smashed a blokes car window twice (broke it once, waited for it to be prepared and then broke the same window again).

I want to move out but I don't want my marriage to break up. I love DH and I don't see why he should come between us but I can't carry on like this. I have gone for him once already which I'm not proud of but he pushes and pushes until you snap.

Obviously you could never expect your dh to choose between you and his son.

But really, what exactly is your dh doing to try and sort this out? Does he really expect you to keep living this way with no signs of things getting better?

Can he not share the custody with dss's mum so that you at least get a break from it all?

If his mother got rid of him because she could not handle him, why should you put up with the constant agression?

I think you need a heart to heart with your husband.

You are going to end up with your back against the wall having to ask him (however much you love him) to choose between you or his son.

Ask your husband if he is prepared to answer that question, because it looks llike it's certainly not one you want to impose on him but one his son is trying to corner you into.

Sorry not being very helpfull with teenager psychology ( I quite resent teenagers). They can be so manipulative and yes army cadets sounds like a good idea.

If I were you I'd move out. Leave it up to your DH to take the initiative and sort out the son. Even if it were just unpleasantness it wouldn't be fair on you and your kids. Violence is completely unacceptable - you can't have some little asbo-turd setting your domestic agenda.

Poor you. It sounds absolutely dreadful.

I have had to cut my own daughter out of my life because of similar problems. It went from bad to worse until she caused my other daughter to run away and live with her dad for a year after a soul-destroying and horrifically expensive court case. She did her utmost to break up our marriage and family unit. It caused massive disruption and stress but I have my other daughter back now and we have rebuilt our family unit. My poor DH went through hell as her stepfather, he was accused of violence, philandering and abuse and we both had to be investigated by social services.

And the disgusting thing is there isn't all that much you can do. You can't use physical force to restrain them or you will be done for assault, but you still have to take responsibility for everything they do till they're 16. It totally stinks. We had a thread about it; I wasn't the only one with these kind of problems. I'll see if I can find it for you.

in this situation i would absolutely expect my husband to stand up for me.

absolutley.

as a grown up i would expect my husband to believe me with no doubts.

as a mother i would not want my children to be affected y this behaviour

as a wife i would be dissapointed in my husbands lack of support

as a person regardless of your relationship with me - if you phsically attack me or threaten me - i will call the police. this includes my own children.

this situation would be untenable and a conversation with all three would take place.

i would set out the rules - that this isn't for going over the past, this isnt a session for apportioning blame.

but there will be a meting once a week.

they each have one week to show you that you deserve respect.

draw up a list of chores for all the family - make it a rota so all kids get the shitty jobs at some point.

tell your husband that you are researching your options should you leave. - and do so. - look into benefitsm housing and start saving for your welfare, even start re-training to go into job market whilst you can.

this should be a week by week process. tell them that they are on notice.

do call the police if anyone ever attacks you.

do involve social services

do TELL your husband that you expect his head of household /masculine presence to back up your authority as household matriarch.

my son was around 15 when he gave me the most purid vitriolic abuse.

my husband ( his father) has him up a wall feet dangling with a " dont ever speak to your mother like that"

i am not advocating it. but i am saying that at a time when two lots of testosterone are fighting for dominance - sometimes you need to show them who does dominate.

also please dont be afraid of using money as a punishment.

Saying you hate him won't really help.

He seems to have had upheaval in his life and you don't know what his mother has told him about you. Has she blamed you for their marital breakdown?

He is obviously hurting very much and the three of you, - you, his mum and dad, need to sit down and work out a plan to help him. In the meantime he needs to be told now that all this rude, disrespectful and rough behaviour has to stop now.

I wish you luck.

here's the thread. HTH.

How awful ((()))).. He sounds like he has real issues (over and above being a 15 year old boy).. Is there any way of getting him referred for some kind of counselling/behavioural therapy ?

In the meantime, I agree the police should be called when there is violence. You need to talk to dh and tell him you want to help (i.e counselling etc.) but there has to be a time limit and if things aren't better, he either needs to move out or you need to consider moving for the safety and sanity of you and your dc's

Asking him to chose between you is awful - but you and your sons are not the ones being unreasonable here..

Sounds as though dh is feeling guilty about his son being subjected to divorced parents and is overcompensating...?