As username says, I’m lonely

[Fewfriendssolonely]

Regular user here with a name change.
I’ll try to get all my points here so as to not drip feed, so it’ll be long!

I’m in my early 50s, and have admitted to myself that I’m unbelievably lonely. For years I’ve braved it out my telling myself that I’m a loner by nature, but I’m really not. It’s not that I have no friends, but I really don’t have many.

There’s a backstory. 25 years ago my mum was diagnosed with a horrendous debilitating and progressive disease, and was unusually young to have that diagnosis. We, my sibling, dad and I had to spend many many upsetting hours fighting for appropriate care for her, and due to this and post natal depression, most of my friendships fell by the wayside. Mum sadly passed away in 2009.

I had a couple of years “off” from caring, before my dad’s complex care needs took over. These were overwhelming and basically took over my life to the exclusion of pretty much all else. Whilst looking after dad I had a full on nervous breakdown, and I have ongoing, but well managed depression, which is at bay just now.

Due to the social isolation when looking after my parents, and depression and how I behave when I’m in the depths (overeating) I’m morbidly obese, with a consequential loss of every shred of confidence (and I didn’t have much to start with!).

I have loads of acquaintances who are lovely, but no close friends. I have a couple of old school friends who I keep in touch with, and a couple who I used to work with, although I’m trying to distance myself from one of them as I’ve realised she is absolutely toxic.

I just don’t know to be a friend any more, I see other people going out for coffee with different friends all the time, but I think the people I know won’t be interested in going out with me.

I massively miss the influence of an older female in my life, after I lost my mum I had an aunt who was brilliant, but she passed away unexpectedly a few years ago too, and I can hardly just find a random older female to cling onto, they all have their own lives anyway.

Sadly my dad passed away over a year ago and I just feel my life is a big empty hole. I’m married, relatively happily, with grown up kids, but dh works away during the week and just wants to sleep at the weekend. Finances aren’t a worry.

I’m at a stage in life where people say “this is your time now” and they’re probably right, but I just don’t have anyone to spend any of it with.

I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I don’t know if there are any answers

OP that sounds desperately sad and I’m really sorry for your losses over the years. I too have lost my older female relatives and it’s such a big gap in my life, not having that female company and ally. I know how you feel and you’re not alone in it

What stands out to me in your post is that you have the potential to fill your life - you have some friendships and acquaintances and a relationship and children, financially you are ok. There’s nothing standing in your way really apart from your own confidence and willingness to find things you enjoy in order to meet like minded people.

I don’t know what your interests are but some things I have done in the past include joining a running group - not a big fancy one but a local women’s only group who meet once a week and either jog or walk for 30/45 min sessions. You don’t have to be fit and there were women of all sizes at the beginner group including many who would have been obese category.

Book club - online & in person - online is good because you can usually dip in and out, you soon spot people with common interest and you can start side conversations with them. Ok they might not live locally but it’s practice for making connections.

Volunteering - food bank, collecting clothes and donations for a local charity. Lots of local people involved of all ages and all walks of life.

Meet Up website - find local social groups to go along to events, all types of groups, literally anything you can think of! I met so many older women through meet up.

Walking group or local low key exercise class

Craft classes.

You sound really lovely OP, perhaps it’s just a case of pushing yourself out your comfort zone to find some new connections? As you become more comfortable and confident it will feel a lot easier, you have a life to live but you have to find enjoyable things to fill it with - friendships generally come with those things as a bonus!

We are all alone. The reality is, that the contentment you are looking for ultimately can't be found in another person, its right where you are, so you need to start there. Make a plan, write a list, go for a walk every day, make a healthy meal in the week, read a new book / learn something new, for you.

I have a good number of friends I think, but still there are days when I feel like rubbish and have a good cry, and bemoan the fact they aren't there for me...but its not about them, its about me!

If you can build yourself up a little, start getting out, maybe trying a new class or interest, people will appear, some will be passing ships, some may stay and enhance your life, but your self worth will improve to the point you are content, whether with a friend or alone.

That older female you mention is you, OP. But you aren't giving her the love and affection you've given to so many other people. You've done some amazing, caring, selfless things for others but you've left yourself out in the cold, maybe thinking you don't deserve love and support as much as other people? Imagine your hypothetical female best friend: what would she be telling you? First, it sounds like you need to really acknowledge all that sadness and loss, but then let it go, because life has to go on. Maybe start off by doing some of the things the pp suggested, regardless of other people.

You have so much potential to be a lovely friend O. P and you have had some fantastic advice already. I too think volunteering might give you a feeling of purpose, and something such as working in a charity shop for a few hours a week would give you the chance to meet lots of new people. Also getting out for a walk every day, even a short walk will help with your physical and mental health. Would you consider getting a dog? Walking a dog can often be a way of connecting with people as well as being great company during the week when you are on your own. Plus you have to get outside in all weathers if you have a dog!
Maybe make a list of whatever suggestions appeal and just pick one thing to try?

Oh that’s such a sad read and I’m so sorry for all your losses. Making friendships in our best years is so difficult.
Throughout the last lockdown I stumbled across the Tv program Sewing Bee and somehow became hooked, so I binged all the series and then bought a machine, I’m lucky that I have one friend who is very good at sewing so helped me choose a pattern and fabric and this week completed a top.

Through my local towns Facebook page I saw there is a group of crafters so have joined that and understand there are social gatherings being organised where you drink tea, share tips etc. So ways to meet local people without pressure, also experienced sewers/crafters are so happy to share knowledge that conversations naturally happen which then move on a tangent to other areas of life.
Local libraries also advertise groups and socials happening in the community. As the world opens up more and more I’m sure you will find things of interest and a whole bunch of folk that are friends in waiting.

I haven’t posted and disappeared-I’ve had to come to work! Will post again later when I get a break

I sympathise with you Friends. I'm lonely too. No parents, siblings or children, though I do have a DP we don't live together. I've tried all the suggestions above, volunteering etc and nothing has helped. In fact, it's made me feel worse about myself knowing that I have tried and failed. It's awful being alone. It feels like such a rejection by life.

sigh. i’m in a similar pit of despair so while i can’t offer any advice, i’m just going pull up a chair and offer a friendly pat on the arm

I think lots of people are feeling like this, myself included. I spent so many years looking after my mum, raising kids and working which meant my friends kind of got pushed out. Also moved miles away which doesn't help. I sat in the York designer outlet at the weekend, just having lunch on my own. Watched all the people having coffee etc together, and felt a bit sad. I have family and keep in touch with some friends but I would love to have someone my age (50's) to just be able to meet up with sometimes.

I get a bit lonely after having to retire early through ill health, I’m now in my mid fifties. I also suffered two horrendous bereavements. DH has a very demanding job and DS who is 20 is having a whale of a time currently. All my family live overseas or hundreds of miles away. It’s hard op, l do have some friends but have entire days to fill. You are not alone in feeling that way.

I don't think many people have real friends as such. The people you are going for coffee with lots of different people are friendships but they someone you meet and have to act a certain way around or dress up etc, I have several friends like that, but I only have one true friend who sees my worse self and I can slate my crappy kids too but I know she can get on board but also loves them as if they're her family. It's not as common as you think

I am so sorry for all your losses op.

I am in a similar situation to you but with younger children who occupy some of my time (but not necessarily good for meeting like-minded people). I don't work but I've worked out there are plenty of other things I can do with my time. I have always been a 'giver' and cared for others but now as I head toward my late forties, I'm starting to be more selfish and care for myself a lot more.

There has been a lot of good advice given on this thread. Much of it, I plan to try in the near future (such as volunteering and a craft group). Joining a walking group is another plan - there tends to be several retired ladies who belong to these groups and often a coffee stop somewhere along the way. Good for improved fitness too, so maybe worth exploring? I also plan to join a gym for yoga and a swim.

I keep a journal and I feel I'm getting to know myself better. I have hobbies/interests that are pretty insular and a few that I used to enjoy as a child so maybe a good place to start to look. They help occupy my time in a positive way. I'm hoping this will go hand in hand with getting out a bit more.

Wishing you all the best op.

As things are opening up again, what about joining the women's institute? You will have the regular meetings to go to as well as whatever social events are arranged. My WI has book clubs, lunch clubs, craft clubs and walking groups as well as random events. You will find older ladies there too who are lovely to talk to. At 58 I am one if the younger menbers.

Thank you all so much for replying, and your lovely ideas.
@Seaoftroubles we do actually have a dog!
@RaininSummer the WI is something I’ve thought about in the past, unfortunately I don’t have a branch that’s very local. Maybe I do just need to make more of an effort though?

You’re all very kind, I do appreciate it

Maybe some counselling to talk this out and to help rebuild your confidence?

Hi OP . Are you also signed up on Gransnet? Pre Covid there were quite a few local meet ups on there . Would any of your children join an activity with you just until you settle in and meet other people ? I go to a morning dance class that’s full of ladies over 50 of all shapes and sizes and we have a laugh. You will have to push yourself to get out there though. Good luck .

This is such a wonderful thread, full of great advice. Thank you all 💚 I am 52 OP, just out of horribly abusive relationship, on the cusp of having to leave my beautiful home and go and start anew somewhere else. No idea where to go. It’s all a bit overwhelming. I’ve no job, a wounded heart and a head full of fear. I’m financially stable, although my life of true financial comfort is at an end, and I feel like my life is over. But reading this thread has given me a sliver of hope, and I’m going to cling on to that.

@Giotto479 l just wanted to wish you well at the beginning of your new journey. Well done for escaping from an abusive relationship; that takes courage! So glad you have gleaned some hope from this thread.
@Fewfriendssolonely I do hope the responses that you've had show that you are not alone. I think many of us have lost ourselves through caring responsibilities and bereavement and it's hard to start again, especially if you feel you have lost your sense of purpose and sometimes your identity too. It can seem that everyone else has a rich, full life except you. I'm still trying to find the answer so do understand how you feel.

We moved around a fair bit when I was growing up and one of the first things my mim used to do (and she was well under 50 at the start) was to seek out the WI. She is still involved now, with regular theatre trips, meetings, classes and other outings.

How are you getting on?

I am conflicted with this. The classic advice is join things/ volunteer.
I have done shed loads of both and made no friends, one or two acquaintances.

You will have to push yourself to get out there though

Yes and be prepared for some disappointments along the way.

I'm sorry you had so many obligations as a young adult.

I do have a suggestion - take little steps. It will take a while to get used to every one of them, but it will get easier.

Are you on anti-depressants? I've heard they cause weight gain so maybe having a chat with the GP would be helpful if you think you'd be willing to switch medication.

How much walking can you do without feeling really tired? Do you think you could manage an hour? You don't have to do it briskly. The aim is to go for an hour and then slowly, as the weight starts to come off, you will be able to walk faster and faster without getting out of breath. Look at the map of your local area. See if you can do a circular walk that would take about long, or, you could simply walk in a straight direction for 30mins and come back, although that would be more boring.