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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this weird? Gift from MIL, but nothing from DH for me or kids

47 replies

19Bears · 04/08/2021 11:53

That might sound a bit scrambled. To explain, DH (who I want to separate from, unhappy / sexless for years, he wants to brush it all under the carpet and carry on as if it's all fine) has been away at his mum's for a week. She lives in a lovely holiday-ish part of the country, and until lockdown we have always had our family holiday there, but this time DH went on his own, which is fair enough I suppose, he hasn't seen her for nearly two years so obviously I was pleased for him to go and spend time with her. However, the first I knew of his plans was when he asked me to print out his coach tickets, he didn't check with me that I would be able to take a week off work or arrange some kind of childcare, I was just left to work around his plans. Anyway, the week without him was a massive relief. The usual hard work running the house and keeping the kids entertained, but so much more relaxing.
When he came back he asked if I had enjoyed my holiday.... Hmm... and said that his mum had bought me a present, so I opened it and it was a beautiful stained glass suncatcher, I love it. But, not that I wanted or expected anything from him, the only other things he brought back were for himself, mostly charity shop bits and pieces, a mug, a thunderbirds model thing. Nothing for the kids either. Is that a strange thing to do, or not really?
While he was away I paid to get some garden jobs done, but he hasn't said a word about contributing something towards it, bearing in mind I also paid for major work on the car the previous week. He always refers to the car as 'your car' so maybe he thinks all car bills are mine...
Another thing, if I am making the tea, which he can clearly see I'm doing, he would still rather go along to the corner shop and buy something for himself to eat, and come back with pot noodles, scotch eggs etc for his dinner the next day. Is this unusual?
I just don't know if I'm focusing in on these things, or if it's something I can just brush off. Weird, or not?

OP posts:
19Bears · 04/08/2021 16:03

If only it was that simple @Kintsugi16 He does not want to separate, he is clinging on to the fact he knows I will put keeping the family together over my own happiness. This seems to be enough for him.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2021 16:07

Good grief, raise your standards and bin him off already. What a waste of the best years of your life.

Sh05 · 04/08/2021 16:11

How old are your DC?
I think you need to give him a shock and go against his expectations of you and get the ball rolling to separate from him.
He's not going to change, you know that.

frazzledasarock · 04/08/2021 16:13

Well he’s not really part of the family anyway is he? He’s a drain on your resources.

Go see a solicitor see how you can get rid of him as amicably as possible.

You’ll find life’s a lot easier when you don’t have a dead weight to carry around.

RantyAunty · 04/08/2021 16:13

Of course he doesn't want to split. He's happy to act like a teenager leaving you with all the donkey work.
Splitting he'd have to do his own upkeep.

You know you don't want to be with him anymore. You don't need anything major to happen and you don't need his agreement.

If you really want to separate take actions towards it this week by making an appointment with a solicitor and seeing where things are financially.

You'd probably not want to be in the exact situation 10 ywars from now.

Quarantino · 04/08/2021 16:15

I don't know why but the Pot Noodle thing would have me raging even more than just assuming you'd provide childcare for his holiday.
That is a perfectly acceptable "tipping point" op - Bin him fast!

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2021 16:17

@Quarantino

I don't know why but the Pot Noodle thing would have me raging even more than just assuming you'd provide childcare for his holiday. That is a perfectly acceptable "tipping point" op - Bin him fast!
I'm with you. I would be so pissed off at that. It's a deliberate way to put someone down, imo.
RandomMess · 04/08/2021 16:32

You don't need his permission or agreement to start divorce proceedings.

Start valuing your own happiness.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 04/08/2021 16:39

Is he autistic? He sounds like he has some traits.

Orgasmagorical · 04/08/2021 16:48

He does not want to separate, he is clinging on to the fact he knows I will put keeping the family together over my own happiness. This seems to be enough for him.

Or is it that he just wants you to keep dancing to his tune, until he decides he wants to move on?

I do want out. I have been waiting for the 'big thing' to tip me over the edge

I think you'd be better making your plans and putting them into place while things are calm. Why wait for drama, which will no doubt be of his making. He's already putting all the rules in place, make some of your own. Keep your own counsel though, don't let him know what you're doing, just present him with the fait accompli when you're ready to go, or chuck him out (whatever your circumstances are). Do get good legal advice to make sure you're not missing out on what's rightfully yours Flowers

Horehound · 04/08/2021 16:51

I disagree with a pp that not buying the kids a gift is not fine. That's what kids get excited about. It's a way of saying he thought about them

Yeh he is a selfish arse and you're better off without him

19Bears · 04/08/2021 17:02

@Mistlewoeandwhine This is very much what I suspect. If I listed all of his behaviours, I think you would have even more reason to think this. I have hesitated to say it, but now that you've said it, yes.

OP posts:
19Bears · 04/08/2021 17:05

Thanks everyone. I'm going to try again to get a solicitors as the last time I phoned around, they were all too busy and not taking on any more clients. Maybe all those divorces are complete now and there might be room for me. I really want a face to face meeting and haven't been able to get one so far. I'll make a few calls in the morning. I know I don't want this as my life any longer. I've already spent 34-44 with absolutely no intimacy or normal adult life and I don't want to do be like this x

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 04/08/2021 17:33

Well done on taking the first step.

Dullardmullard · 04/08/2021 23:22

In the interim don’t do anything for him and I mean anything.

10 years of nothing bloody hell that’s like the death of a thousand cuts.

19Bears · 05/08/2021 11:35

I've made two appointments with local solicitors. Small steps. Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 05/08/2021 12:06

Well done, 19, hope you get on okay. Take as much paperwork as you can get hold of (or copies of if he'll notice them missing) - who pays what towards the mortgage, marriage certificate, that type of thing.

Weenurse · 07/08/2021 01:28

Good luck 💐

peridito · 16/08/2021 09:40

How's it going @19Bears ?

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2021 10:46

@Mistlewoeandwhine

Is he autistic? He sounds like he has some traits.
🤦‍♀️
19Bears · 16/08/2021 10:54

Aw thank you for asking @peridito Well, I spoke to a solicitor last week, and asked questions about the house, which is my main concern, i.e. keeping the kids in their home. He said there is no automatic right for me to stay there, nor is there any right for DH to make me leave when I'm the one instigating the split. He said that if I did want to definitely stay in the house it would go to court and I would be very likely to get that, but this is where the money starts to mount up. He advised very much to try and talk it over between ourselves and come up with our own arrangement. Also, he asked what grounds I would put forward for divorce, I told him only a few things and he said that would be more than enough. I'd love to list the whole bloody lot!!! Anyway, there is also the option of No Fault divorce which is due to go through in April next year. Hopefully by then I will have managed to tell him I want to separate and then we can go down that route which seems less damaging all round, which is all I want.
Had another sleepless night last night, he was huffing and puffing and bouncing the mattress around as he does, and I was fully expecting one of our occasional sunday night difficult conversations. I had my side of it prepared in my head. But he eventually fell asleep and I lay there the rest of the night hoping he would stop snoring.
Why is it so hard, when I absolutely know what I want to do, to do it??? x

OP posts:
peridito · 16/08/2021 14:19

I'm no help I'm so sorry but my stab at helping is to suggest it's hard because you're in limbo .Thinking about leaving but haven't yet set it in motion .I suspect once you take the first few steps it will be less confusing and draining .One step will lead to the other and you will actually be taking action not endlessly thinking about the ins and outs .

Flowers
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