ex friends with benefits

[summerhaven06]

I had a friends with benefits with a guy for about three years. I was in love with him and he knew this. I also knew he didn’t love me back but honestly believed he cared a lot about me. We would sleep together a few times a week.

We stopped hooking up almost a year ago now as he started dating someone. Since then he had continued to message me, tell me he missed me, wanted to hook up with me, would try to have phone sex, say he makes himself jerk off to me and not her, etc. I never said any of this to him in return but I did participate in general texts here and there to be nice and I did honestly want to stay friends. When the conversation would turn into something flirty from his end I’d stop messaging and tell him he can’t say those things to me anymore.

A few months ago I said to him enough is enough as I have feelings for you. The messages saying he missed me weren’t fair as he knew I still loved him. I said either end things with your girlfriend and we can be friends or you stay with her and never talk to me again as it’s messing with my mental health.

He’d cry to me on the phone saying he can’t loose me and that he loves me too and he’d end things with her. I waited a week and he just didn’t end his relationship with her. We cried and yelled to each other on the phone after the week went by. I was a mess, so hurt. I asked him one final time what decision he was going to make and he said he was sorry but can’t end things with her because she’s pregnant. I was beside myself at this point and said I hate him. He then replied “don’t make me kill myself.”

I rushed over to his house banged on the door hoping he was alive. He was. We both looked like we’d been crying for days. He stood at the window next to his front door and voiced for me to leave as his girlfriend had just got there. So I left. And haven’t seen or spoken to him since.

It’s been a few months now and I have mutual friends with the girlfriend, one being her sister. To my knowledge she isn’t pregnant. I know she could’ve aborted it but I believe she never was as the timeline didn’t add up (he told me he loved me and was ending things with her after he apparently already knew she was pregnant).

Apart of me feels like I need to explain this all to the girlfriend. Apart of me thinks I should let it be. I think about it a lot but have deleted all of our messages so have no proof any of this happened.

It just doesn’t sit right with me. I know he didn’t physically cheat on her but he did via messages and telling me he loves me and that he’d leave her. I think I would want to know if my boyfriend was saying these things to someone I knew he used to regularly hook up with. Please help!

Oh gosh. I really think you need to walk away from this. I know how tempting it is to message her and tell her everything but really what would it achieve, it will just cause more upset and you still won't get what you really want which is for him to love you and be with you. You will only hurt yourself more by perpetuating this horrible situation.

To be very blunt, I really don't think he's going to leave her for you. If he wanted to be with you, he could have done so at any point during the three years you were sleeping together.

Even if he did leave her for you, look at how he has treated both you and the other person he is involved with. He's been awful to both of you. Do you really want to risk that happening again in the future?

I really think you need to distance yourself from this situation as much as possible and seek out some counselling to talk through everything that has happened. It sounds like such an intense and difficult time for you. Counselling can really help you to work out what is going on and what you actually want, and untangle some of the confusion. It sounds like you need to do that. Just detach yourself, look out for your own mental health and don't tell onwhat is going on with them, because it's not going to be healthy. Good luck.

Sorry typo

don't tell onwhat is going on with them, because it's not going to be healthy.

= don't dwell on what is going on with them

(I know it's hard but that's why you need the counselling)

Yes, she should know. But it will bite you on the arse. You will likely be labelled the crazy ex, your obsessed with him etc. It will cause you more heart ache.

The other thing, is to take some time to look at your own motives for telling her. Is it because she has a right to know. Or, is it because, deep down, you hope when they break up he will eventually forgive you for telling her. At which point he admits he has always been in love with you and you both live happily ever after. Becausebthatvisnt going to happen. If he wanted a relationship with you, he would be in one with you.

Or is it, simply to cause him pain.

I know you believe she wasn't pregnant and that was his lie. And you could be right, but interesting that you jumped to an abortion, not a miscarriage. It's entirely possible she was pregnant, wether she was or not is irrelevant.

This man doesn't and didn't ever love you. The 'don't make me kill myself' is complete emotional manipulation and abuse. He didn't want to lose you because you were good for his ego. And because if his girlfriend dumped him, you would accept him back and the crumbs he offers. He has not intention of keeping you in his life, other than as a play thing.

I very much suspect, if you tell her, you will just end up embroiled in more drama, come out looking like you are just someone trying to cause trouble and obsessed with him. You will be more emotionally damaged. Especially, since you don't have proof.

I, personally, think you would be better working on accepting this man treated you terribly and moving on from it.

The other thing, is to take some time to look at your own motives for telling her

Yes, exactly this.

Often people justify this by saying "she has a right to know" when really it is done out of spite, jealousy, and wanting to destroy things and hurt the person.

They're all understandable emotions by the way!

But you need to recognise if that is the case, because it will only drag things out and hurt you more.

Are you really going to tell her because she "has a right to know" and then quietly walk away from the situation?

Or do you want to drag this out, create more drama and hurt, and watch things fall apart for him in revenge?

If the latter, then you need to think about the effect that has on you. Does it really help you to heal? Is it a healthy way for you to deal with this? Or would it be better to simply walk away and get yourself the help you need?

What an unpleasant shitbag of a man.

To be honest, for your own mental health, you really need to draw a line there.

He was lying to you in huge ways to keep you on the hook for validation / potential sex while never intending to leave. Playing the "she's pregnant" card is low.

Stop all contact, stop looking at his social media, move on with your life. Maybe try counselling. You need to step away, far away from this.

Block his number and walk away. Focus on you and what's best for you. (neither of then is on the cast list for that show)

What a toxic situation. He doesn't love you. He probably doesn't really love her either but he's picked her.

I'd just walk away for your own sanity.

*neither of them

He was a friend with benefits. He was never your boyfriend. Let’s face it, if he’d wanted to be with you you’d be together. He never ever wanted you to be his girlfriend. I think you should tell his girlfriend because I believe that people should not stay silent when they know others are being treated badly, and I would definitely want to know if a partner was cheating on me. You won’t get him back by telling her - that’ll put the final nail on the coffin - but at least she can make a decision about whether she wants to stay with a man who texts other women telling them he wanks off to them. He sounds like a manipulative creep, to be honest. Block him and move on. He’s just stringing you along for kicks. He loves all the attention you’re giving him but he has no intention of getting into a relationship with you - he never did.

Holy crap "don't make me kill myself" is emotional abuse line number 1.
I pity his girlfriend.

You've been completely used by an emotionally manipulative penis brained loser.

Walk away. Have some dignity.

Well isn't he a catch.

Do you really want to be with someone where your relationship story is:

We were friends with benefits for three years and I was in love with him but he told me he didn't want to be with me. We just carried on sleeping together even though I wanted more.
Then he got with someone else for a year but still hung onto me emotionally. He promised he'd end things with her for me but he didn't because there was some drama about a pregnancy (which could have been a lie).
I decided she should know he'd been emotionally cheating with me so I told her, and then she didn't want anything more to do with him so he FINALLY decided he wanted to be with me, because I was there waiting.

And, umm... we lived happily ever after?!

It doesn't exactly feel ilke you are being celebrated and loved by the man of your dreams here! You are worth more. Walk away!

Run, don’t walk.

Do some work on your own self esteem, and definitely don’t feed his drama more.

You need to totally change your language here and take thise rosy specs off. This is not an ex friend with benefits. This is your abusive ex boyfriend who refused to commit and left you for someone else but wanted to carry on having sex with you. You keep playing this awful man's game and now are colluding in him treating someone else appallingly. You are not just a victim here you are also a perpetrator stop it now. Block him number and get some pride back you deserve so much more than believing you love a lying, manipulative cheat.

@Whinginadeville how am I colluding in him treating someone else appallingly? How am I a a perpetrator?

I am not messaging him, I never flirted or gave him anything back once he got a girlfriend. I always shut him down. I asked him a yes or no question and he gave me his answer. I walked away that same night and haven't spoken to him since.

[quote summerhaven06]@Whinginadeville how am I colluding in him treating someone else appallingly? How am I a a perpetrator?

I am not messaging him, I never flirted or gave him anything back once he got a girlfriend. I always shut him down. I asked him a yes or no question and he gave me his answer. I walked away that same night and haven't spoken to him since.[/quote]
You didn’t block him, continued to reply to some messages, and told him you still had feelings for him, issued ultimatums about him leaving his girlfriend to be ‘friends’ with you, you had phone conversations where you ‘cried and yelled’ at one another, during one of which he threatened suicide and you showed up at his house?

He's an arsehole who tears women terribly, I'd consider it a lucky escape from him and have nothing further to do with him whatsoever. If he was going to really kill himself he'd have done it with or without you rushing to his place. He really is a grade A prick.

Treats not tears!

Brutal honesty here:
For whatever reason, he prefers her.

He could have you if he wanted you but he doesn’t.

Consider how badly he’s treating this girlfriend. This is someone he is choosing to he be over being with you. Do you really think he’d treat you any better?

Move on. Block his number. He doesn’t care about you.

He clearly had no intention of killing himself, he was expecting his girlfriend over. He was purely saying it to keep OP on the hook. OP turning up must have been a "whoopsie" moment for him.

He's also that desperate to have an excuse to stay with the girlfriend, that he'll claim she's pregnant so he can't possibly leave her.

He's been playing you for years and years, op. Time to get off his merry-go-round.

This moron only really loves himself and will always be full of nothing but absolute bullshit. You want security, love and reassurance from him. Please understand you will NEVER get it. I know it hurts, but believe me it will hurt a lot worse if you keep picking the scab and give up all self respect by causing further scenes.

Walk!

Leave it alone… let him get on with it. He is not the one for you.

Plot twist: he doesn't wank off to either of you. He sounds shit, I pity his girlfriend. Get some self respect, if you told her he'd only choose you because you were the only person left willing to shag him. He'd soon find another woman with terrible self esteem and you'd be on the benches again.

If he wanted to he’d have done it by now.

Stop playing the pick me dance, block him and move on.

Even if he did leave his gf he sounds emotionally manipulative and shit at commitment. Do you really want to be tethered to that?!

Also, how do you know there aren’t other women he’s messaging? This is a classic case of keeping you strung along in case his relationship goes tits up. Please have some respect and get rid. Well rid.