To tell someone that ......

[NeedAMagicWand]

I don't know what I want from posting on here. I have no one in real life I can talk to about this

I am nearly 50 and have been feeling so lost and confused for a long time. I had an arranged marriage at 18. Getting married at that age I lost contact with friends. I moved over 100 miles to live with my husband and his family. My in laws weren't very nice, controlling so I made no friends as I wasn't allowed to go out (I still can't believe how much I allowed them to control me but I was stupid at 18)

I found my freedom, when my in laws passed away. That is a horrible thing to say but it is the truth. I realised in my 40s I am in control of my life.

Me and my husband by this time were sleeping in separate bedrooms. A few years ago I started meeting men online for sex. I missed the intimacy the sex wasn't as important as being close to someone, sharing a bed with someone. And I saw it as a way to make friends.

I wanted a FWB which I made clear. But all these men wanted was sex.
The only time they'd contact me was for sex. No "Hi, how are you?"
Just "I'm horny" etc. And like an idiot I'd respond, meet them. Just to have a few moments of intimacy, feeling close to someone. Have a friend to talk to.

This past year due to covid I've not met anyone. But with restrictions easing I was thinking about getting back on fab.
But I know the cycle of thinking I've found a decent friend, realising I haven't will just be repeated.

I see marriages in my family. The closeness and friendship the couples have. And I am jealous. That I don't have that. The same with friendship groups people in my family have.

Realistically I know at my age making "platonic" friends is difficult. I tried, it didn't work out and that is why I went on fab to find a FWB.

I don't even know how I can miss something me and my husband never had. And I've not had any friends from the age of 18 so why am I feeling like this?
I've got my family/children who should be enough for me.

So here I am, unable to sleep. Alone in my bed, wishing I had someone to talk to about what I want. Someone in my life I trusted enough to be totally honest about how I feel instead of putting on an act. Someone I can tell "I messed up meeting all those men. I put myself in dangerous situations and am so grateful I am still here. That I am very lucky I wasn't raped, beaten or murdered"

This is longer than I wanted but it feels good to be able to "tell" someone how I am really feeling.
Very cathartic

So sorry that you went through this. Are you at all religious as You may find someone of like mind there who would be willing to have just a friendship with you. Or do you have general interests, hobbies as this may help also. Thinking of you.

Is there/are there reasons why you haven't divorced your husband? You can have a new beginning if you want to.

Have you tried ALL the dating sites? Meetup.com?

Either way, chat away You're not the only lonely woman on here at this time of night!

Why not find a therapist and just unpack some of this. Friends are everywhere but it takes time and trial and error. You don't have to offer sex to have intimacy with someone.

Friends are everywhere? Where is everywhere can I have the address?

I am not religious. My family are but I just don't believe anymore.

I haven't divorced my husband because I wouldn't be able to afford to rent a house on my own. I would have to move away as where I live is full of judgemental, narrow minded people and a woman who leaves her husband is seen as dishonorable. I work in a low paid job. I need a career change, something better paid.

I live in a small town and there are not any local meet up groups.

I am thinking about speaking to a therapist. Try and change my mindset. I know meeting random men for sex isn't the answer.

Thank you all for taking time to reply.

I think a therapist would be great.

You are loveable and you deserve a life you are content with. I feel like you never got the chance to know yourself and understand what you want. I'm sorry you haven't been better supported and I can understand how good it must have felt to be wanted. It's possible though to build that life. Good luck

@lilmishap haha there are no shortcuts but friends are out there

Op, why would you leave the marriage with nothing? Are there any marital assets? If you divorced, if there's a house or savings or pensions, even if in your husband's name, you would have a claim on a share of them all.

Going to a therapist sounds like a good first step. I would make some long-term plans for yourself: new job/career, maybe move away somewhere you'd love to live?, start building a social network for yourself, ways to make life fulfilling.

Surely multiple affairs are just as dishonourable? If you've already been living this double life so long then you've already checked out of the marriage, so why would it matter what other people thought about divorce now? You seem strong enough not to be concerned at the dishonour of infidelity. Anything must be better that the sadness you describe.