How to argue better?

[abcsd]

Obviously the dream is not to argue at all but I’m trying to be realistic here!!

I feel like me & DH are in a cycle we need to break… we have two young kids, job stresses etc - love each other but I’m struggling with the arguments

I will start off trying to defend myself/putting my point across but end up apologising to try and get it to stop because he just goes on and on

It always starts over something minor then escalates

Does anyone have any tips on how to stop arguments or manage disagreements in a more loving way?!

Your husband sounds like his method is to bully you and beat you down until you cave. It's not possible to have a reasonable disagreement with someone like that. Has he always been like this?

Defense is very destructive. If he says 'You did the washing up badly', then 'No I didn't' is the worst response. It immediately creates a 'You are wrong and I am right' situation.

Even if you think you did the washing up in an A* way, 'What do you mean?' or 'I'm listening, go on?' will save the dynamic.

What are you arguing over? Who starts the arguments? Is it all a bit one sided with you saying DH goes on and on and on?

I suppose you have to ask yourself is it worth arguing over in the first place. But there is not point you just doing it on your own. You need to go to DH and say you want both of you to stop arguing and both of you to be willing to call a truce. It's very important here not to apportion blame, but accept you've both plated a part in it.

@TheFoundations this is really useful advice - I can definitely get defensive - which in my head at the time I think is fair enough because I think I’m in the right, but can totally see how that escalates things

@Hissysnake good idea on asking for a truce… I prefer to just try and forget about the arguments once they blow over and go back to having a nice time again but actually I think it needs resolving when it’s not in the heat of the moment

They tend to be about boring domestic stuff… we’ve got a young baby so are quite sleep deprived which doesn’t help

Eg he decides to leave the house to do XX chore half an hour before dinner time/bedtime and I get stressed because I don’t want to juggle two kids on my own, but he is worried we’ll have no time to do the chore if he doesn’t go before the shop shuts
Ridiculous stuff that then escalates!

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Might be helpful.

"They tend to be about boring domestic stuff… we’ve got a young baby so are quite sleep deprived which doesn’t help

Eg he decides to leave the house to do XX chore half an hour before dinner time/bedtime and I get stressed because I don’t want to juggle two kids on my own, but he is worried we’ll have no time to do the chore if he doesn’t go before the shop shuts
Ridiculous stuff that then escalates!"

I couldve written this myself! Dinner time is the worst! Some stuff he gets some stuff we argue about again and again. Sleep deprivation definitely makes things worse, really feel for you OP. Sorry I'm not much help but just saying I know how you feel and hope things improve for you ! flowers]

@TheFoundations

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Might be helpful.

Thanks this is v useful… I definitely recognise the criticism/defensiveness pattern here!

@Ripley1977

"They tend to be about boring domestic stuff… we’ve got a young baby so are quite sleep deprived which doesn’t help

Eg he decides to leave the house to do XX chore half an hour before dinner time/bedtime and I get stressed because I don’t want to juggle two kids on my own, but he is worried we’ll have no time to do the chore if he doesn’t go before the shop shuts
Ridiculous stuff that then escalates!"

I couldve written this myself! Dinner time is the worst! Some stuff he gets some stuff we argue about again and again. Sleep deprivation definitely makes things worse, really feel for you OP. Sorry I'm not much help but just saying I know how you feel and hope things improve for you ! flowers]

Thank you - it’s good to know we are not alone! Xx